Meeting like minds

[huffinpuffinmuffin]

Hi,

I moved to Bristol from Australia early this year. I'm half Asian and grew up in Asia. I have a 2 year old son who is, unfortunately, diabetic. In the last 5 years, I have been moving from country to country for my husband's work. Now that we're here, I would just like to feel that I could "belong" somewhere.

I come from a relatively middle class background, went to a posh girls school, had very posh friends prior to meeting my English husband, had a very social and exciting pr career, and traveled a bit. I was also in the music industry - performed live and on tv, all that stuff. I am not a celebrity, but I had an interesting single life. I grew up with maids in the house, a driver, and not having to worry about any practical or household matters for the first 27 years of my existence. I am not brilliant or anything like that at all..in fact, I think I am just a simple woman who used to have a fabulous life. But since meeting my husband and leaving what was "home," I've had to readjust and re-learn a lot of things. I've had to learn how to cook, clean, shop for food, and all the usual stuff that most people don't even think about having to learn to do. I get nervous about taking the bus or riding the train by myself, and especially if I have to take my son in the buggy on public transport. I feel sad that I'm only learning these practical things at such a mature age, and that I never thought about it before. It's like a handicap for me, as I tend to think slower in practical situations, where others would just act.

I feel so different, that I don't know if I'll ever fit in. I feel like I'm having to "catch up" all the time - catch up on the practical stuff, catch up on the culture, catch up on parenting, etc. Am I alone in this? Do people, especially new immigrants, new mums, or those in a mixed race relationship feel anything like this?

I've recently gone back to studying and have met some lovely ladies in class. Saying that, I still haven't found someone that I can be totally comfortable with, without fear of being misunderstood. Funny enough, there was a 60+ year old magistrate who I was sat next to in class, and I thought I could talk to him more than anyone else there (strangely, he said the same thing to me). It turns out he comes from a similar background, was raised in Asia, and is quite well traveled, competitive, and adventurous.

I miss having friends. And it makes me feel sad. My life is so different now. Unfortunately, I cannot go back to work as yet since my son has diabetes and needs constant looking after. We could not give the responsibility of insulin injections to nursery staff. I'll have to wait till he's 3 before I can even consider part-time work.

I have resolved to look ahead to the future and not think about what I've left behind. Just move on, move forward. But it sure is a lonely process.

Just saw this post and didn't want to leave it unanswered. It's not surprising that you feel a bit dislocated and unsure how you can fit in, and adjust to your new way of life, but lots of people feel the same, for all sorts of different reasons. You've just got more ways to feel 'different' at the moment than a lot of people - nationality, culture, your son's illness etc. I've known a lot of expat women in other countries who really struggle with it.

I grew up in Bristol but went to a school where I was a bit of an outsider (it was mainly boarding, so very international and lots of very wealthy girls; I was there because my mother was a teacher there). Since leaving school I've lived, worked and studied all over the world (Europe, Asia, Australia) before moving back to the UK.

As a result, I often find I feel most immediately at home with other 'international' people, who have lived overseas or grew up elsewhere, but the longer I am back here, the more I find that I can build on other common interests to get to know new people.

The class you are going to sounds like a good idea. It's a shame your DS isn't going to nursery/preschool yet, as that can be a good way for both him and you to meet new people. When I moved back here I had one school-age and one nursery-age child, and at least half of my current local friends are people I met through them.

Do you go to any playgroups/toddler classes? And which part of Bristol do you live in? I chose to move to an area close to the university, as there are lot more international families with similar backgrounds sending their children to the local schools.

What part of Bristol are you in? Have you found any good toddler groups for you both to attend?

What about some groups for you in the evenings? A choir/performing arts group if you miss the performing part of your previous life? Or something like a cooking course or book club?

I guess it takes time to feel comfortable around new people, I struggle with this and push myself to keep chatting to people that I see (started in a new job a yr ago and felt like a complete outsider for quite a while, but now I have 3 really good friends that I see outside of work every wk.) my next challenge for myself is to talk to the mums at the school gate....much more scary for me as I don't want to embarass my dd!

Thanks so much for replying, exexpat and Acceptableintheeighties. :) It's good to have a good moan sometimes, and know that someone bothered to listen.

We live in Henleaze. It's lovely here and I have made a few acquaintances. I guess friendship takes time, and I will have to be patient. But Henleaze is also predominantly an Anglo Saxon community, or so I think..

Exexpat, are you able to recommend playgroups that have a good participation of international families? Someone told me that the Alma Church in Clifton have a Saturday playgroup, which I'll be checking out. Wondering if you know of any around the University area close to where you live?

My DS goes to nursery 2x a week. He loves it, and they have been great w diabetes support. I'm happy about that. It gives me time to focus on studies and have a proper coffee break..

Thanks, again. :)

Hi Acceptableintheeighties! Good luck on the school gate chat! ;) I guess you can always talk about the weather for starters. :D I've noticed that most people here use that as an opening line all the time. I am totally hopeless at improvising in conversations, and have begun to use that as my "pick up line," too!

I considered joining a community choir or theatre group. But have decided against it for the moment since the study load for school is quite heavy. A musician whom I once recorded with has come back to live in Bristol, He's setting up a small business, and is focused on that. But I'm hoping we can have time to play some music, even it's totally just for fun, and we're not playing for anyone.

I have my low days when I really really wish I had friends to meet up with for a drink or lunch or best of all, a night out dancing. And then I move on the next day remembering that there's tons of stuff that I need to do. Thank God for ipods and audiobooks. They have been my friends when I needed to hear someone" talking to me." 8ecky Bloomwood, Sophie Kinsella's heroin in the Shopaholic series, has become my best companion.

In class, there are some women who have the gift of the gab. They're so witty, and always know the right thing to say. I wish I had that skill, and not look like I'm dying of embarrassment all the time. I'd have to go to drama class for a year to achieve half of that. Funny enough, when I was in my teens, it was joining a production of Romeo and Juliet that gave me the confidence which I had later in life. Moving too much has taken that away. Plus, the fact I haven't been earning for 3 years now. I never thought that could affect a woman's self esteem.

Confidence really takes a hit everytime you are thrown into a new group. I'm partly lucky as I've had the same friends for many years, though alot have moved out of the area, we still keep in touch, they keep me sane. I've also got on well with the last batch of work colleagues I had [I've now decided to not return to work and be a woman of domestication :) ] They were all a little similar and a little different in tastes.

It was really hard making friends as a mummy, DD is 14 months, the first step was the hardest and I went with low expectations. I did have to try a dozen different groups to find some that gelled with me and LO, some were just a place for mum's to let there minions run wild and savage, others were focused on mummy socialising, others on baby socialising. I've now found a group that provides a good mix of social for me and LO.

Pre baby I've always been open and approachable, I had a bad experience with people I'd trusted and thought were friends and decided to screw me over, playground style [in an immature and embarrasing way]. As they were all older than me I'd kind of assumed they'd be grown up, but age doesn't change much. I've changed as a person, I have low self esteem and really struggle with making new friends. So my low expecatations are in place to save me the potential agony of loosing people I have grown to respect and trust. It's helping me and DD by getting out and about to different groups, and I am getting better at chatting to new people.

As with regards the housework/cooking/being a mum, so many of us fail in many of these areas. I am on a learning curve with all of them. Housework and cleaning pre baby was shared, it was easier because we didn't have a little person who loves to empty cupboards, boxes etc in record time. Now I do the main of it, while DH is putting in extra hours at work, I loathe it, so I have drawn up a schedule of what to do, it's getting a little easier, I'm less likely to skive if I have a list to work on.

Do you have a childrens' centre near you? They often have some great groups for kids, Messy Play is DD's favourite, she gets really hands on with some messy things that we don't have space at home to do. It's a great way for her to use some energy up. They often have some local parenting magazines, we have them in the Bath area, like Families upon avon or The Bath Parent, both are quite handy for listings of what's on.

As regards your sons diabetes and nursery, it's worth looking at nursuries, my friend works in a local one [not bristol] and she manages a diabetic girl in her room [under 2 years], they have action plans to follow and reports back to parents on a regular basis. It can be very hard to trust someone, but you can introduce over a longer period to build up that trust.

Hi, Kellestar. The chore "list" or schedule does seem like the best way to do it. During my baby shower, one of my aunts told me to make sure I'd wake up earlier than my husband and child, get myself ready for the day, and work through my "to do" list. So far, I've had an organizer for each year since DS was born, and also have a small kitchen white board. No success, since I haven't seriously followed through it. I think I've got to do something about this now. :)

The chores are killing me. IT NEVER ENDS.

And again, to kellestar: thanks for sharing. You seem like a nice person. I'm sorry to hear about your experience with your old "mates." That must've been a tough time for you.

Exexpat was right in saying that mums go through similar things, similar issues, similar worries. I always knew this was the case...but since I don't really know anyone that well here in England, sometimes I just feel soooo alone in this.

"As with regards the housework/cooking/being a mum, so many of us fail in many of these areas. " - That's a relief. :)

The mums I met so far seem like super mums, and I wondered how bad I was doing. One of them has 3 young kids --she has an immaculate house, with an immaculate kitchen, follows meal times to the dot, has time for classes, gym, and friends. And she happily takes on other children to come over to their house for play sessions. That's the kind of wife/mum that I'd like to be. But fear I am still at level 1.

I know the type :) my MiL is a supermum and her house was always immaculate and quiet. It's funny as DH always liked the chaos of my parents house, which was clean but slightly untidy and always busy.

Have you seen the flylady website? It almost had me sobbing, lots of sensible stuff but so serious. There is no way I'm dressing up for a day of houswork, or getting on with the housework before they are up, or after DD's down for the night. The list does help, I spread the load so I'm not doing unpleasantness all day, just an hour a day really, a different room a day. DH is getting better at cleaning up after himself. MiL tut-tuts when she comes around and offers to clean for me, but it's worse having things put away in the wrong place and having your privacy invaded.

Knitting or Crochet is my chill out activity with a great audiobook, even half hour in the evening really calms me down if I've had a cruddy day.

There are always people out there that can do it all, but they sacrifice something else to get that side done. But there are some things I don't want to sacrifice. I also think the more kids you have the more organised you HAVE to be, so first time mums do tend to struggle to adapt more.

I'm glad that I have a few stalwart friends that even though they aren't local are still keeping me sane. I'm slowly working on new friendships, but like I said it's hard to trust people again. Little steps.

The baby group I go to has been a real saviour for me. Most weeks I am there listening to the chatter of what they've been doing, family, HV etc and occasionally join in. They were a real network of support when HV were giving me grief over DD's weight [0.04 centile] and were trying to get me to feed her cake and biscuits to fatten her up, advice was from personal experience and they gave me some ideas on what I can do instead. There are a few there I now trust a little bit more and will ask their advice. I'm also glad that I've been able to give someone BF support to someone as I went through a similar problem with DD. This group gave me the confidence to try a few other groups, though I don't really chat with the mums as much at these, it's good for DD to socialise and play.

Oh and a childminder might be a better option if you are looking for some care for your little lad, they may be able to support his needs better as the number they care for maybe less than a nursery.