So when, and how, did it get easier? Please come share your tales of integration. Kick my butt, if needed

[ItsMyPartyAndICryIfIWantTo]

Hello everyone.

We moved to a new country in January. I had amazing friends, a great job, and i felt like I belonged. Sure it probably all looks a bit rosier than it actually was in hindsight, but I was happy and moving here was really hard. We did it for DH's job and because it made sense as a family to pursue the best possible career prospects he could get.

So it has been six months now. He's happy. The DCs are happy. And I just can't be. I have been looking for work relentlessly, and nothing- nothing- has come up. Not even an interview, despite sending several dozens of cvs and networking as much as I can. I have a postgraduate degree and have worked for 10 years in highly regarded institutions. It hurts that I am back to nothing, that I am dependent on DH without ever wanting to be, and it's not good for my self esteem.

This wouldn't even matter if I had made friends and felt I could enjoy the other things in life. But I haven't met a single person I can see myself becoming friends with, and yes, I have tried: school gates, playgroups with the little one, networking events, calling friends of friends etc. It's all very nice and superficial, but I can't say I have clicked with anyone. Here it's all very expaty and glitzy and big cars and big money... not my scene. And everyone I meet loves being here.

I feel like suddenly I am supposed to be the dutiful, well-coiffed, grateful expat wife who does luncheons and dinners and shuts up in social settings: twice now we've been invited to parties where all the men congregate to talk about work and the markets and politics and the women share recipes and talk about how hard it is to find reliable help.

Somedays I just want to kick and scream. Or cry all day.

This is not my life, I don't want to be here, and I keep thinking that it's all my fault for not trying hard enough... I used to be self confident, intellectually curious, outgoing, fun, and now I am just this boring, uninteresting, needy and lonely person.

How do I get out of this? Is it me, or is it the circumstances?

do you mind telling which country you have moved to?

I have been in Australia for 10 months now. The first 4 were hard but busy with getting the house ready, plus I was working on a text book so that occupied a lot of my time. I have a (now) 2.6yo DS, so he occupied most of the rest of it.

I started to think about working when I got here but since we were TTC, I stopped bothering as, at the time, there were no maternity pay systems anyway.

I got depressed, grumpy, fed up with everything and very snappy with DH - his fault we're here, he's Aussie and wanted to come home - some days it was hard work just getting dressed.

In November I found a playgroup to join, and then another one a few weeks later - just in time for the long holiday. But I am lucky, I am sure - because I have met a few mums who I do get on well with, have exchanged phone numbers, been to their houses and/or they've been to mine; I've even been on a hen party.

I am not the most socially outgoing type - but the one thing I have noticed about all of them is that they have a connection to the UK.

However - you are in an expat community, by the sounds of it - a different ball game entirely. You seem to be surrounded by people who are "Not your Type", which will of course make you feel more isolated.

But - 6m isn't that long. I went back to England in Jan for 3w, had to be done - and when I got back afterwards, I felt homesick and depressed all over again .

What is the local language, and can you speak it? If so, go forth to the markets and the little shops - talk to the locals rather than the expats - find places to go and things to see and do that will interest you and see how you go. Do you have your own car? If not, get one - that way you have your independence and can go out and about.

Can't say too much more without knowing more about where you are, but am happy to help if poss.

sounds like you need a job. Any chance of getting one via contacts? Could you imagine doing voluntary work for 6months - 1 year to get back into the swing of things maybe?

All I can say is I hear you.

6 months in and I think I'm starting to find people I click with but they haven't come through DHs work or any social function we've attended.

Working helped a little and I'm hoping that my new job in September will help some more. The perceived loss of identity is the killer I think - I don't feel like me here.

I have found MN to be a great help, actually - it has helped provide me with a level of continuity in my life, and having a few MN "friends" made a big difference too.

Possible word of warning - my friends in the UK are pretty bad at remembering to keep in touch - I email them far more than they do me, and they don't always reply when I do email them - this is not for any reason other than that they don't understand how isolated you can feel. So - tell them you are feeling isolated and need contact from home to keep you sane. It might help a bit - help you remember who you are, who your friends like, that kind of thing.

On a bad day, I could have written a lot of this post. Facebook and MN are lifelines for me.

Where I am, it seems very difficult to walk into a job unless you have years of experience in a very similar role in the same industry. I have qualifications but they apparently count for nothing. I've realised that freelancing is probably the only way to go and this is now working well for my dh. Is freelancing or consulting a possibility for you?

Are there any international universities or communities or anything near you, other than the expats? I tend to find other people who feel slightly displaced too to be the best bet for friends.

I don't know where you are so hard to say. This is like the grass is greener thread - it's hard living away from the UK sometimes but then I don't particularly want to go back there either.

Hmm - sounds to me you are hoping to replicate your former life (as much as possible) in a completely new setting.....and it isn't happening (or not yet), and that is upsetting (understandably).

What if you stopped trying to replicate your old life, and put time/effort into making a different sort of life for yourself?

Think about something you've always wanted to learn how to do, or something you wish you had the time to get better at. That something (or things) can give your life some focus/purpose, and bring you into contact with different sorts of people with whom you have a shared interest.

For example - I had a single friend who moved to a new country. She worked and came home and didn't know anyone outside her work colleagues. She was socially isolated. She had always wanted to learn how to cook really well, but had never had the time when she was busy 'back home'. So, she bought recipe books, pored over them, planned meals, went food shopping, and cooked herself increasingly wonderful meals every night. She came 'home' eventually, and is a top notch cook.

Eventually, she got to know people in the bookstore, in the cooking store, took a few classes, went to some wine tastings, and slowly found kindred spirits based on their shared interest/passion.

Be patient with yourself, and be kind to yourself. It will take awhile, and you will feel isolated for a bit (personally, it takes me about 2 years to feel 'settled' and 'at home' in a new place). But see this as a time for you to do/learn about something you'd like - something you might never have time for 'back home' where there are so many other things competing for your attention.

End of sermon. . Good luck, and let us know how you get on.

Six months really isn't all that long to have been in a country. I've been living abroad for ten years now and have felt more at home in some places than others, but it always takes a while to adjust to a new country.

I work freelance so would be very isolated if it weren't for the DC; I've made virtually all my friends through them (playgroups, school etc.) But it took a while; I've been here for seven years now and most of my closest friends are people I've only met over the last 2-3 years. I did know and socialise with people before that, but it took a while to start finding people I really clicked with.

It's only over the last couple of years that I've realised we have a much better life here and are probably happier than we would be in the UK. Three or four years ago, I would have given anything to move back; now, I can't imagine moving back to Britain.

I've also found MN and FB great - MN as a way to "meet" other people, often in the same boat, and FB more to keep in touch with friends back "home". It's obviously not the same as having a RL conversation but I've found it helps me feel less isolated.

I'm glad it's not just me who find expat wives a pain in the butt. They have a cleaner to clean the house and a cook to cook the meals then what do they do?? Swan around bitching and complaining about their staff!!

They can't all be like that though cos I was one for 6 years!! in two countries and have lived in the ME in the past.

I am in the uk now and kicking myself for not
offering to help the locals improve their english to fill my time when I was abroad. I was in China - they would give their right arm to improve their spoken english -- no one else was doing it so it just didn't occur to me. My son in the UK was complaining about the new engineering lecturers at his uni, all Chinese, it would have been so interesting to meet and speak to these people and explain a bit about the country they were coming to. ... too late now.

One problem is if you are lonely and miserable you give off lonely and miserable vibes and people don't know how to react to you. I read Louise Hay's book and this helped but it is a bit flowery.

-In the US there is a volunteer food delivery service to poor folks.
-What about learning the local language or another language. French? Spanish? That's a great but relaxed way to meet people.... and impresses people no end (the fact that you are learning one I mean- it's irrelevant whether you're any good or not!!)
In the US and some other countries the work hours are loooong so doing something else might be better.
I did an OU degree course.
I am now reading books to learn investing in stocks and wondering why the hell I didn't do that with all the spare time I had abroad?? (probably because all I wanted was a friend and not an investment account)

Please try to be yourself - not a glitzy expat wife. Best of luck, you WILL get there in the end.

I felt something similar when we moved to the States. I hadn't realised how much of my identity was tied up in my work, and even though I was previously feeling a bit fed up with things getting a bit stale, which is one of the reasons we moved on I really didn't expect to dislike being a SAHM quite so much.

I doubt that you feeling miserable is your fault. You sound as if you have culture shock, and that you can't imagine being happy in your environment. However misery begets misery, and I assume going back to the UK isn't an option in the short term.

So you need to think about what you could do that would feel a bit more worthwhile, and that would use some of the skills that you have. I suspect you need some validation that you are a person in your own right (well, that's what I felt anyway). So charities or education might be potential avenues? Something less hedonistic perhaps?

thanks everyone for your helpful responses. I'd rather not say where I am, because it is a place that people usually love, and I don't want anyone to be offended.... in fact this is one of my problems, I feel so disconnected from people for whom this is a dream come true... And yeah I probably give off misery vibes, but then perhaps people don't want to befriend me because I am somewhat frumpy and I don't have designer clothes or manicures. I just don't know. I feel so insecure about myself, and that's just new for me, or rather, not new, it makes me feel 16 all over again and it's not a pretty feeling

I agree with whoever said I am trying to replicate my former life, but that's because I loved my former life, and when someone asks me what my dream job is, I always think of my old job. I am probably lacking in imagination and creativity but it's hard to feel creative when you are a bit depressed (whcih I think I am). I am keeping myself busy with bits and pieces of pro-bono work, however it's for lack of actual paid work so don't feel I am doing anything worthy, it doesn't make me feel proud of myself, in fact the opposite...

I already speak the local language fairly well, so can't take that as my project. In fact I have taken up running as my challenge, it seems to me that my physical fitness is the only thing I have control over for the time being.

I try telling myself that I have to give myself time, but I feel my life is slipping away and the longer I am here the more disconnected I feel. Also I am terrified that if I stay out of the workplace too long I will become unemployable.

I think of my lovely friends back in the UK whom I could talk to about everything, of the support network, of my sense of identity and how people (male and female) took me seriously and were interested in my opinion on anything from the best schools to the financial crisis ad I feel like such a loser.

I don't know. I really struggle to find the positives... thanks for listening, anyway.

are you due to be there indefinitely, or for a set 'tour'?

It is good that you are taking up running, but that is an isolated activity unless you can become part of a running group/club.

Could you take some courses at a local university?

What about doing some consulting work or freelance independent projects for your old industry?

Could you do any OU or long distance learning that would enhance your qualifications related to your profession?

Hi
We are about 10 months into our posting, but we have decided to cut it short and are due to return to the UK next December. This has made life a lot easier as I know, however bad it is, I don't have long to go.

I don't have a huge amount of advice, except do try and meet up with some of the other people you have met, eg the mums or whatever. Sometimes you meet someone you click with in the strangest of places or circumstances and the more "out there" you get, the more likely you are to meet them.

Depending on where you are, volunteering is also another good way to get to know people - and a whole new set of people, especially locals rather than expats. Ok, they might not become your closest buddies (in my experience it's usually very difficult to get close to locals unless you are married to one and/or live somewhere a long time) but you will get another perspective on life.

I am writing to keep myself sane. I have always wanted to write a novel and living here has actually given me the chance to do that. That, and the fact that the dc's are learning to swim, had made this whole experience worthwhile.

Oh, and having enough money for decent holidays!

.

" I am keeping myself busy with bits and pieces of pro-bono work, however it's for lack of actual paid work so don't feel I am doing anything worthy, it doesn't make me feel proud of myself, in fact the opposite..."

This is a bit telling and does suggest that you need to look within and have a bit of an attitude adjust. You are defining your worth on the basis of being paid, probably on how much you're being paid. There is nothing shameful about pro bono work (shame being the opposite of proud) and you should be proud that you have the ability and the time to do it! You are benefiting people who otherwise would not be able to access your services - where is the shame in that??

OK, so you don't want to be a "lady wot lunches" and has little else to talk about apart from their hair, nails and home-matters - no reason why you should. You could take a correspondence course or you could see if there is any work you can do online. You could get involved in a local 'cause' that needs your services.

Getting fit? Great idea - but widen your activities - join a racquet sport club, or go swimming, make it a social sport.

You have not "lost" you - you have an opportunity to develop some other facets of you - and although you probably are a bit depressed, I would strongly recommend you don't wallow in it because that will just set up a negative mind-set to everything (it sounds a bit like that already, tbh) and, depending on how long you are there for, that is going to make you very unhappy longterm.

How long are you going to be where you are or is this a permanent move?

I probably sound a but harsh in this post but from your response I do think you need the "kick up the butt" you mentioned earlier!

Remember, your job does not define you unless you choose to let it - it is just what you choose to do, not who you are.

Again I hear you with the pro-bono work thing. Sometimes it doesn't feel like 'real' work if you're not being paid, no matter how worthy it is. Plus financial dependency bites.

I'm also somewhere people swoon about, would kill to be and all too often they've either a) been here on holiday, b) were here 5 years ago and have forgotten how bloody awful the beginning of anything is or c) have been here for yonks and are totally integrated. There's nothing wrong with you for not liking it. If it's people back home giving you a hard time then they have no idea and if it's people out there then either they've forgotten what it's like to arrive or they're the type of person who thrives.

The OU is my saviour, except when I'm sittung up at 3am local time trying to do a TMA!

Are there any MNers where you are?

Poor you, I feel for you, I really do. It's just not easy at the beginning. You really need to give it 18mths, normally it's just at the point when you have to leave that you feel settled.

However you need to realise that noone is going to come along and 'rescue' you, you are not going to find that perfect job straight away and you are not going to find that perfect friend straight away. Sitting around waiting for it all to fit into place is NOT going to make it happen.

I think it is fantastic you are doing pro-bono work, please don't undermine the fact you are doing it. You are in such a privileged position to be able to do so. I do understand the need also for you to feel that having some kind of paid work will help you with your sense of identity. But it's not the be all and end all.

You need to accept that your life has changed and you need to move on and create a 'new' you. Don't dismiss the expat wives, keep an open mind and get to know a few of them better. Some will have fantastic contacts and may be able to point you in the direction of a fantastic job opportunity when it arises. You need to keep an open mind.

I think the running is an excellent option, it certainly will help you with your state of mind. Try to find a local Hash House Harriers to join to keep you company. Again they may not be 'your kind of people' but you need to start relationships with all kinds of people now.

I also second the doing a course, either online or if they have good institutions where you are, join a class.

Are there any clubs you can join where you could go to lectures/film days etc?

Embrace the change and it will embrace you.

I know who you are OP so I know where you are.

It's no good looking down on "expat wives" and inferring from the fact that they are groomed and lead outwardly polished existences that their heads are empty and they have nothing more to talk about than their domestic lives. In England, where you have been living, there is a strong tendency to equate not caring about those things with intellectual superiority. You are not in England now, though, and that rule no longer holds.

Bite the bullet, get your act together and look the part - and you will find it easier to get closer to more people, which will give you more choice of potential friends.

um bonsoir, if you really do know the OP, woudnt it be much nicer to speak to her in RL instead of be a bit bitchy and condescending on here?

and OP, it is difficult to move. sometimes it helps to just cut yourself some slack. it will get better and you will meet nice people eventually. think of it like this, you sepnt the last 20 years (or whatever) building up your last pool of friends, so 6 months is not that long to find some good new ones.

and yes, places like mn are great for us that live somewhat isolated lives, as long as the internet connection is good! (eyeing dial up nervously)

good luck, im sure things will feel better soon

I don't know her in real life, I know who she is on here.

She asked for a kick up the butt!

ah i see. that makes much more sense!

and yes, i suppose she did........