Dealing with French assistantes maternelles

[bunnyfrance]

Hi,
I'm looking for advice from people living in France and who have experience with nounous. DS, 8 months, has been with a nounou since the beginning of April. He seems very happy with her, but I'm not.

Her good points are: a good environment (kids in living room, not closed off in a separate room), lots of toys, does activities like going to the library, takes them outside a lot. So far, she's been reliable. All in all, DS is a happy chappie when I go and pick him up.

Bad points: she's not against giving little slaps (une petite tape) when DS "misbehaves" (how an 8-month old can misbehave is beyond me). She is also critical of me breastfeeding DS (he has EBM during the day) and wants to know when I'm going to wean him. She rolled her eyes at the ceiling when I gave her his milk this morning. Don't even talk about BLW - DS isn't allowed to touch the spoon. Basically, I don't have any rapport with her.

Shall I just let it wash over and put it down to cultural differences, or look elsewhere? It was hard to find her, there aren't many nounous around and the other options were worse.

"The other is that, if they're all so adult-focussed, and apparently not particularly interested in their children's needs, how is it that France has the highest birthrate in Europe?"

That's not a contradiction at all - being adult-focused means that you don't have to devote much time to your DCs, so you can have more of them as each one is less labour-intensive!

Maybe your DS' routine is very different to your French counterparts' DCs' routine?

"...one is that nounous and crèches like babies in a strict routine, but DS is the only baby I know of that actually is in a routine! People are surprised that he is in bed by 19h30 and that he has regular naps, in his cot!"

bunny that sounds like us! I panicked so much about how DD was going to be forced into a routine, before she went to the assistante maternelle. I think for my own peace of mind I wanted to know that she wasn't going to be left to cry so I gently tried to encourage sleeping at certain times, in her cot, etc, etc (and she adapted so easily, bless her). However I have noticed that her 'routine' (based around an early bed-time, like yours) is different to the other children who all go to be much later.

My sister always says that there is a collective wail followed by quiet in Paris playgrounds just after 4 pm - l'heure du goûter. Of course, if children are having their goûter at 4 pm, they won't be having their evening meal at 5 pm like English children.

Bunnyfrance, sounds like she wasn't the right one for you DS. Door closing, window opening cliche here. Hopefully this opens the window for a much better nounou.

Has anyone read Secret Life of France? author talks about all these issues, UK v French childrearing, schooling, French friend didn't want to breast feed as breast were her best assets and she didn't want to ruin them, etc.

Interesting piece by Janine di Giovanni about strict, mean French maman

Thanks for the article, rosietoes. But I disagree that French children are well-behaved. The ones in my (admittedly limited) experience are a total nightmare, running about until 11pm, definitely heard and seen! From what I've seen, all the screaming and hitting from the mamans has no effect.

Thanks rosie - will put the book in my next Amazon order.

Interesting article... but I do generally find French children to be better behaved, with much better manners. I do find it irritating if they have to be running around till 11pm (depending on the type of event) but that's really just a cultural difference. Other than that I usually find them more docile, with amazing table manners for their age and also good at greeting adults etc. Mind you, the mamans I hang out with don't go in for too much screaming and hitting (albeit more than my anglo friends)

I'm well acquainted with both Secret Life of France and that Janine di Giovanni article, and both contain a lot of truths.

I think it is hard to draw a conclusion as simple as "better" versus "worse" behaved. I think that French standards of parenting, and expectations of behaviour from children, are higher/harder on some criteria and lower/easier-going on others. The British certainly don't like children hanging around in the evening!

Yes, the greeting adults thing. I remember how desperately shy my brother was - he could barely speak to an adult he didn't know until he was about eight or nine... and just the other day French-FIL was berating someone's four and five year old children (not to their face thankfully) for not saying hello/goodbye to everyone at a party full of strangers.

I so wanted to point out to FIL that he has never once made his bed when he's come to stay with us, which I still find shocking - to find a messy bed every day. He's 60 FGS, not five, he doesn't have an excuse for bad manners, not if he's going to bang on about the importance of instilling them in children. Just goes to show the difference in culture.

Back to nounous, bunny I was thinking today about other friends who have had problems with nounous. It's really not easy, but lots of people said to me that there is no shame in going through a few at the start, it's probably the most important job you will entrust to anyone, so only expect the best!

Just a quick update - I've found a temporary nounou for DS, until mid-July. She's got loads of experience and I felt really comfortable with her from the start. She didn't seem to think an adaptation period was necessary, which surprised me a bit, but I left him with her this morning and rang her at 11am. All was going well, he'd had a bit of a nap and was smiling and laughing with her! What a relief...although I've still got to find someone permanent for after the summer.

yes the French are cruel parnets its true , but at least their kids sit at the table

bunny that's excellent news, at least that will tide you over for a bit while you try to find something more permanent.

Still no luck finding anyone suitable - some of them sound so grim on the phone before I've even seen them.

DS is doing well at the temporary nounou, except that she says he screams terribly if she goes out of sight and stops the moment he sees her again. He doesn't do that with us at home and she seems to think it's because he suffered some sort of trauma with the previous nounou, like being left alone to cry or something. That makes me feel so and that I've let him down. I will never know what went on there.

Keeping fingers crossed that we find someone good soon.

Sorry to hear that... I guess you have to just keep plugging away, and hopefully you will eventually find the right person.

As you say, you will never know if anything happened with the previous nounou, but i wouldn't have thought so if he was smiling at her etc when he saw her. He may just be a bit unsettled by having changed nounou. Anyway, you can't beat yourself up about it - the important thing is that you recognised there was a problem with the previous one, and you are doing your best to find the best possible care for him.

Well, I've circumvented the whole problem and found a nounou who's Turkish She's lovely and kind. We start in September. What a relief!
Thanks for your advice and support all.