Unsympathetic/empathic spouses

[tootsieroll]

Just felt I had to do a moan (sorry to those who've had it easy). DH patted the dust off his behind and left for Singapore to start his job in March. DS and I will be joining him in June, but before that, it's basically down to me to pack up, put the house up for let, contact all relevant bodies about our move etc...

I'm on track with the packing, but DH seems to think it's a simple 'dump everything in boxes' job, and that I'm making things sound more difficult than they actually are. I'm actually trying to declutter while packing (a leftover job from when we last moved, and took on the 'dump everything into boxes' mindset).

To those wives who have been left behind to do the same, how have you dealt with husbands/partners who haven't been particularly supportive?

he is stressed with the new job and proving himself there in the workplace. Moving and starting new jobs are two of the most stressful things we have to deal with. You are both stressed out.

Play nice music, have someone round to chat to if you can, be positive about it if you can and see what you have achieved rather than what lies ahead. Do you need inventory lists for each box? It is a considerable task all in all, you are right. I think he just doesn't have the energy to tackle it if you complain about it. Don't think it is more sinister than that. HOnestly my dh also thinks compared to his job, anything I do is a piece of cake. So you do have my sympathy.

Thank you. That was actually rather comforting

You have lots of sympathy. Last tine we did this he moved and I was left packing his stuff (from his place), my stuff (from my place) sending what we desperately needed, finding storage for what we didn't, dealing with a sick mother and planning our wedding. Then I arrived and felt like he'd done sod all to set us up. It was tough.

I probably had no sympathy for his job even though I should have but I do have lots for you.

It may not be the best approach but sometimes I had to firmly say to him that it wasn't a good time and if he wanted me to listen to him he had to call back whch saved me feeling like I had to deal with everything. I also put a time limit on whinging in phone calls and had a lot of lists.

Good luck!

Both of you have hard jobs on. Try to find someone else to moan at - you are quite justified in moaning, as decluttering, packing and moving are very hard work, especially with a small DC around, but you don't want to put added stress on your DH or your relationship right now.

Just think how delightful your new life will be with no clutter .

you have my sympathy, I've done it all (packing and unpacking) about 5 times, with a baby in arms, with a toddler, pregnant with a toddler, and finally with a toddler and baby in arms.All within 2 years.
And also flying back to the UK to rent out our place.
I actually passed out one day, fortunately toddler n.1 was napping in his travel cot. The scarriest moment of my life.
VERY hard work.
YES DE-CLUTTER as you go, makes things easier on the receiving end.
That's all I can say.

Declutter and get professional packers in.

And have some sympathy for your DP - that was me moving to Paris last October, with DH and the DCs arriving on Christmas Eve (should have been earlier - bloody Eurostar). I was working long hours, coming back to the flat and unpacking as many of the 167 boxes that had been delivered as I could. Some weekends I didn't go out, just unpacked, as I wanted to be fairly straight for Christmas. And I didn't feel that people were as grateful as they might have been, or appreciated quite how much I had done, so I guess the grass is always greener!

And it's not always the "wives who are left behind!"

Definitely declutter- nothing worse than discovering that you've paid to ship 100 run-out biros and a broken loo seat half way across the world. Spend your energy on the clear out and then get the shippers to pack everything. Means it's all insured properly and sea/long road journeys require good packing.

In particular do a big clear out of junky "only read them once" books and old clothes to charity. Also, focus on "miscellaneous" drawers- the ones with random collections of "might come in useful" items in them, and quickly throw it all out while DH not there to complain.

Being responsible for the move can be stressful but also quite therapeutic. I found it a way of really focusing on the move we were about to make. Also, I think being at the other end and having to live in an empty apartment and deal with the snagging etc is worse tbh.

Hi tootsie,

You have my symapthy!!!

I remeber doing exactly the same thing around 4 years ago and even when I think back to it now, it makes me shudder!
The difference for me was that DH was not going first, he remained at home with absolutely no intrest in the packing! He is also a person who refuses to throw absolutely anything out, so we still haved the same junk lying around in a different country!
Thinking back now though, being "in charge" of the packing does make you feel alot more prepared when you finally move as you will have been in-touch with companines etc in whatever country you are going to. When we finally moved, Dh was wondering wround a foreign country like a lost soul, but I found it quite easy to get information and help with things as I had already dealt with people here.

The best advice I can give if you are finding it hard (like I did) was to hire a removal company who does the packing for you. They are generally very good and the best thing is, you can keep an eye on what they are doing while you declutter as they pack. I didn't do this, but I have told my DH, if we ever move again, no matter how much it costs, thats what we are doing!
Oh...and treat it like a days work...deal with the packing for however many hours you want and then remember to chill out afterwards. It is mind numbingly boring but you will get there eventually!

Good Luck!

Thanks for all the advice!! I made the mistake earlier today of telling DH that I'd thrown an old computer game away, and got hell for it! Well, tough poo if he's not going to be around to stop me from dumping stuff!

Be strong, Be strong!

On the up side, I'm about 60% there, with weekends to go