The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Expat

[Journeywoman]

Hi,

I am a lifelong expat, moved as a child and have constantly moved in my adult life as a trailing spouse. This post is to ask how other expat moms manage to combat the loneliness of expat life. I think I can say that I am really good at making friends, but it's harder and harder to keep them. So many expat friendships seem to be out of sight, out of mind. Everytime I move I have to confront a group of women who have been friends forever, or long-time local residents, and I am always the odd one out who has to try harder. I do try very hard: I have started book clubs, joined baby groups, put myself out there in every way. In a few years time, we plan to return to our home country, but again, most of my friends there have moved away or on, so I anticipate I wil have to begin again anyway.

I am blessed in many ways, but I seem to find it really hard to make the kind of friends you can meet for coffee for no reason, just to chat. And the loneliness of it is killing me, especially as I get older. My husband, like so many men, is happy to be without friends, or meet his friends once a year. Does anyone else feel this way, and do you have any suggestions?

Well, I am a sort of expat wife and was an expat child and I agree with you, which is noe reason I am no longer one.
However, I find that generally, on the expat scene, people make friends quickly and then forget them quickly.

Are you the kind of person who needs really close friends for heart to hearts?
I find that when I am abroad,, keeping in touch by email with sisters and lifelong close friends satisfies that part of me.

Do you work?
Sport?
Music
Drama?
There never seems to be a lack of things to do in expat circles (although I can'tr fathom people who don't work, even if just volunteering.)

Hi Journeywoman

How long do you tend to stay in one place? It must be incredibly disruptive for you. When you move back to your home country will that be it for moving around?

I s'pose I'm and ex-pat too but without the moving around bit - I mean that dh and I moved to Australia from the UK 4 years ago, but we don't intend to move again (for a while at least) so I can think of the friendships made her to be ones that will last a few years at least. I do agree that men and women (generalising wildly) have very different friendship needs - my dh is happy to talk to anyone about footy/beer/politics etc etc but I really miss my old friends. And it is hard to make new ones. Like you I find most women have a set group of mates built up over the past 20 odd years and don't really need new friends. I have found that most of my friendships here in oz are with other ex-pats or Aussies from inter state.

I concur with the out of sight, out of mind experience. Some of my loveliest uk friends have been utterly shit when it came to keeping in touch once I moved. It was very hurtful at the time. But now I kind of think - ho hum that's what people are like.

Not really very helpful, sorry. You do sound like you are doing everything you can . . . I do feel for you xx

I think if you read a number of threads on here you will see that lots of us ex-pats are struggling somewhat with the whole living overseas thing. It isn't an easy life by any means.

Moments are absolutely brilliant but I do think that there is an underlying sadness.

Thanks so much for your replies.

Moondog: I do work, or have worked in many of the countries I have lived in. I have my own business which is mostly relocatable, though sometimes language gets in the way, as when I lived in Tokyo for a couple of years, and then I am miserable! However, I also have lots of interests-reading, theatre, just exploring foreign cultures-- and we travel a LOT as a family. Regardless, I still find myself craving really close friends. I only have one sister who lives in the US, and a few good friends who are very scattered so hard to visit. I am planning to get my mom to visit me for longer periods.

Claudia: We move about every 3 years, which has been hard. This will be our last move. My DH gets a life long pension after this move, so after much pondering we have decided to move one last time. I don't want to whine too much about the expat life as I have done too much of that already! Plus it has brought us financial security of the kind we would never have had in our home country, and a chance to see the world. Its just not as glamorous as some think it is, that's all.

Yes, I made some very good friends on various postings who now no longer answer my emails, and it does hurt. But I suppose I better learn to deal with it.

It's really helpful to know that other people are going through this. I have considered a long distance marriage in the past, and may still do it (mostly for the sake of the children) but I am not sure it's for us.

when dh got the job offer in the US, some people tried to talk me into a long distance marriage, mainly for their benefit, but i really couldn't imagine it. we moved 18 months ago & are just starting to feel settles. all i want for now is just to stay put - i will put up with being miles from family, but i don't think i can face the hassle of another big move, or seeing dd go through the heartache again.

i think claudia schiffer put it brilliantly. where we have ended up is fantastic, a truly lovely place to raise a family, but i have only just got past the stage of being homesick & crying most of the time.

how on earth you've managed every 3 years is amazing.

still, a part of me still wants to travel more & see the world!

I'm an ex-pat.
I do think that a major part of being happy somewhere is knowing that you're going to be there forever, or at least a very long time. YOu have to invest so much of yourself emotionally into a place before you can begin to feel that elusive happiness. Unless you're a complete nomad like a gipsy, but even gypsies travel in communities, not alone IYSWIM.

I live in Japan and am getting there after almost 5 years in the same area. It finally feels good to see the seasons change and come around once again.

BUt I have a good friend here who has been here for 2 years. She has refused point blank to learn the language. One reason is that she's very worried about her children's English and wants them to only speak to her in English. BUt the other reason is because she will not accept that she is here for the long-term. She has also refused to buy a house and has rented the same place for 20 years. She could have paid off a mortgage during that time and she pays the same rent as we pay for our mortgage. She lives in a permanent state of unrest.

I think my point is that when you reach your final destination, you will be okay. I think you will find your little piece of paradise and when you do you'll be able to invest in it properly and find proper friendships.

sorry, my friend has been here for 20 years, not 2!!

journeywoman I could have written your post, that is exactly how I feel.
This is my 5th year in the Middle East and when I first moved out I was very lonely. The compound where we lived was very small and all the women were very good friends and not very welcoming to new residents. We are now on a bigger compound and I think if I'd moved here when I first came out things would have been different. New ladies (and men) arriving now get very warm welcomes and lots of social invitations.

I do have some good friends here but they are not the sort of friends I used to have. I miss my real friends, the sort you can talk to about anything. I always have to remind myself that the friends I have here are the wives of DH's colleagues so things can be difficult sometimes.

As others have said, the friends back home soon forget and the cards and emails dry up which is sad.
I'm now in the process of making a big decision. Do I return to the UK permanently this summer. DD2 is due to start 'big' school out here and I think if I'm going, now is the time. We've just had an offer for a nursery place attached to the local school back in the UK to start September and I have 10 days to decide whether to accept.

Hi - sorry this is probably a bit late but just wanted to add my thoughts. I have also travelled all my life, as a child, as a diplomat and now as a trailing spouse. And it doesn't get any easier. What I am finding is I am just getting tired of making new friends, of being the one who has to put in all the effort, of having to hang out with people I actually don't have much in common with because there isn't anyone else...

...I think a lot of it is because I haven't ever lived anywhere for very long and where we are at the moment we only intend to be for a couple of years. So I don't really think it's worth making the effort. Having said that, I have made some good friends through my dd's but I find the expat population so transient and the local population impossible to infiltrate that sometimes I just think "why bother?"

I am sure when you finally settle somewhere you will make those good friends again as you will want to invest in the friendships. At least, that is what I am hoping!

Coming back to this thread and really glad of all your replies. I see I am not the only one struggling with this.

Sakura: I can't believe your friend hasn't learned Japanese after 20 years there. When I was in Japan I found the language barrier the hardest part of living there, but I was only there for 2 years, which wasn't enough time to learn. Such a beautiful country, though, and I really miss the seasons too!

Stranded: I have been where you are, and still am in that dark place sometimes. But I snapped out of it when I realised that really, the only one I was hurting was myself. I used to wait by the phone to ring and no one ever did, and then I finally realised I was just going to pick up the phone and make the first move.

What I have done wherever I have moved is either started a book club or joined one. I find talking about books helps one get past the polite conversation stage fairly quickly. I am not British or American, but I have joined the American womens clubs in several places. I can't say I have always met with friendly welcomes; one woman actually told me that she thought it was weird that I was joining up when I wasn't American, but they often have the best activities.

Many of my friends do think we are mad, but living standards in my home country ( India) are pretty low, and my expat wages will help enjoy a much better life when we do return. At least I hope so!

journeywoman - totally agree on the bookclub. Unfortunately at the moment with a 2 and a 4-year old daughters I just don't have time to read enough books! But it is something I did before I had children and hopefully something I will be able to do again once we are back home and they are both at school!