Thought we were moving, now not and feel deflated

[limitedwarranty]

Hello

I am living in Belgium and have done for almost 2 years. I do not feel we have settled at all - it is ok I have other mothers I meet up with but we have no friends as a family and see no one in the evenings or weekends. Some of this is sheer exhaustion - we have 2 under 2 and have spent most of the last 9 months or so shattered and weekends have been hard to motivate ourselves. But I feel a failure - I feel everyone around me has a social life and I have wanted to move and have a fresh start - we have thought for the last 6 months we would move so I have given up to an extent. Now it looks like my husband will get another job with the company here and I don't know how to pick myself up and start again.

oh poor you - you have my sympathy.

does your DH know how you feel? since my DW gave birth a couple of months ago I've felt it's been my responsibility to make sure she still has a social life without knackering her out. but I understand how hard it can be...

is inviting other families round for sunday lunch not an option?

Yes he does know - he feels this way himself to some extent but his work needs to change so if that means staying where we are then so be it. I guess I can't invite people round after 18 months of knowing some of them - the time has passed. I just don't have any confidence now here and I guess we need to find new people and break out of the circle I am in.
we did have one couple round but they never reciprocated (i think her husband is not very friendly or he didn't like one or both of us. I was a bit annoyed in a way but I guess it is honest - why bother if everyone does not want to do it?

Can't give much advice really as i'm more or less in the same position but you have my sympathy.

It does take alot of energy and organising to have a social life when you move somewhere but won't it be just as difficult if you move again away from Belgium? I knew a woman who was new in town but she had a big house and garden and she threw garden party after garden party inviting loads of her dc's friends and parents and she ended up with a great social life but she had all the hard work of organising the parties etc.

Any occasion was used for a get together so we went to birthdays, halloweens, barbecues, St Patrick days (even though she was Australien!) you name it she celebrated it!

That does sound hard... Just a thought about inviting people you have known for 18 months already - I would try and have individual conversations with the mums you know where you say something like 'we've been so shattered since the kids were born (especially having them so close together) that we haven't been up for socialising, but we're starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and were wondering whether you'd like to come for Sunday lunch'. If they do like you then I'm sure they'll be pleased, and if not then you haven't lost anything anyway.

It's really hard when you get rejected to keep on going, but I guess you somehow have to find the energy to make a new start where you are, maybe invite some of the people you already know, maybe try to find new ones through clubs or whatever. I always find it hard to get over that hurdle of inviting people to do stuff at the weekend, but I think if you're unhappy with your situation you have to put lots of energy into doing the inviting and eventually you'll get something back.

Are there any expat groups you can join? At least you would be with people who understand how difficult it can be to make new friends.

I'm in Sydney and a lot of people who have been here for years had never discovered the expat groups, but joined once they found them. Nobody finds it odd that they haven't done it before.

Tbh with 2 under 2 give yourself a break. Once life gets a bit less chaotic you will have more energy to get out and about and make new friends.

hi limited

there are a lot of Belgian based mners here ..if only you had put Belgium in yr thread title ..anyway they are having a meet up soon.. can you get in touch with them?

don't feel a failure.. but as your children get older you will be able to take a breath and plan more

you are quite fortunate in one way -- you don't have to go down the international school route.. your children can have total immersion if that's what you want.. they are young enough

good luck limited, I hope some Belgian mners come over to give advice, if not then do start a thread with Belgium in the title. they all sound lovely x

ps as do you!

Agree with probono, there are loads of Belgian MNetters around, give them a shout and they might be able to help.

I think that you are putting yourself under too much pressure, tbh.

You have two DC under 2yo? I had absolutely NO social life when mine were that age, we were living in Hannover and I hated it. We moved when our eldest DC was 3yo and it was much better, but that was as much to do with DD starting kindergarten so I was getting out of the house more.

I did not have a real proper social life until we moved to Geneva, when DD was 6yo, and I found other expats interested in meeting new folk. I joined the Women's Club here and it has been good for meeting new people, is there anything like that in your area?

Give yourself some time, don't put yourself under so much pressure. How old is your youngest?

Belgian MNetter here! Whereabouts are you? We are indeed planning a meet up in a couple of weeks, plus maybe an evening out. And a few of us have done trips to the cinema etc. We are of course all lovely!

I do know exactly how you feel! I was probably the same the first 2 years we were here. Knackered with work and the school run and dd and shocked that no matter how nice my Belgian work colleagues were they just DON'T socialise with each other! I felt very homesick and put off going back to UK as I was worried I wouldn't want to come back.

Since dd got a big bigger things have improved. I met a few more people, she goes to things like Rainbows and dance class/little gym, so it forces me out the house and means I get to meet other people. Even if it is only for a chat. Are you a member of the BCT?

Please CAT me or email me on [email protected] and I can get you added to our local email list.....

limitedwarranty, another Belgian Mnetter here (waves to Portofino). The Belgians are much more reserved than the Brits and as a result are much more difficult to get to know. However, there are a bunch of us here so please get in contact with Portofino to join in the next get-together.

I second joining the BCT. It was a life-saver for me when my DSs were small.