are you living away from 'home' yet let your children go back

[kiwibella]

my dd(14) has been on about returning to her homeland for a little while but her requests are getting more and more serious. When she first mentioned it a few months ago, she was sorted - planned to live with her grandmother and researched local schools.

We have lived in England for more than six years so she has almost spent as much time here as she did back home. After spending five years in the bright lights of London, we have moved to the countryside where she has a lovely group of friends and is doing exceptionally well at school.

I have talked through all the implications I can think of with her... she has a plan for everything. The end of our conversation this evening was that she could consider this again after her GCSEs (in year 9 now). I don't want her to end up with no qualifications if she moves and interrupts the study in either country... especially if she gets there and decides that she wants to come back in a year.

It's such a tough decision to make! Hoping someone has been through similar. I would love to hear how you handled it.

Sorry, but at that age I think you need to insist she finishes second level education, so A levels, IB or equivalent and then make her move. She is close to being old enough to live where she wants, but not quite.

We moved to Australia when DS1 was 13, he's now 16. The move wasn't all plain sailing as he had to get used to a different culture, school system, new friends etc. I know your daughter is going back to her homeland, but from what you write it looks like she last lived there when she was 8? It could be very different from what she remembers now she's 14 and will be in high school with people who have never left. I am also finding that school-wise parental support has probably never been more important for these crucial last years at school. Someone needs to have enough authority to put some limits on an expanding social life, provide encouragement/a hug/shoulder to cry on when they've had a bad day, make sure they make a revision timetable and (kind of) stick to it, provide healthy food while all this is happening etc.

Does her grandmother really want to take this on? Your daughter might feel all grown up, but how will she cope without her mum for the next few years?

thanks Sunny... you express my concerns so well. Thankfully, when I talked this through with my dh he instantly said it isn't going to happen. I feel more concerned about missing out on all the great teenage things that are going to happen for her and I can't believe that she wants to leave dd2 - who she adores and is only 3.

Yup, Mum would take her. We have briefly talked this through. They are very close as Mum helped out loads with dd1 when she was very young.

You are right that dd1 was only 7 when we came over and I told her similarly to what you said - she can not expect home to be as glorified as she remembers.

There is probably lots of missing comforting things. It all surprises me because she seems so happy (if not at times a typically difficult teen) with a lovely group of friends. We have been very involved in the kiwi community in London and she has several friends her age who think and act like her.

Thanks again Sunny.

That sounds very hard kiwibella! No personal experience i'm afraid, but I live in NZ so thought I'd add my 2 pence worth.

I think it would be fairly straightforward to enter the NZ system at any point, as long as it's the start of the school year (yr 10, 11, 12 or 13). although the exam system has changed drastically in the past few years, as far as i'm aware coursework for exams etc stays within a single year. however, i have friends who left the NZ system to go back to the UK in yrs 11 and 12, and it was a disaster to be honest - one had to go to a special college to take yrs 10 and 11 in a single year. it might be worth pointing out to your daughter (she sounds very mature!) that if it doesn't work out, it could be nearly impossible to return.

Perhaps you could instead push the idea of her coming to uni here? She'd be able to apply for any of them (I assume she's a citizen)? You probably know all about the unis here, they're pretty good and entry for many things is not as competitive as the UK (not saying your daughter wouldn't get in in the UK, but maybe she could save herself a lot of stress waiting for results of exams/interviews!).

thanks whiteflame. I am mostly shocked by how serious she is about this!

I have been looking in to the NZ Secondary system online - it has changed so much since I left. It is helpful to know that it would be straightforward if she were to return home. However, hopefully she will settle. Who knows what is going in her beautiful teenage mind!

I am going to contact university to see what qualifications she would need if she decided to return for Uni.

Hope you are enjoying life in New Zealand .

Yep, enjoying NZ very much thanks

Do you go on regular holidays to NZ? if not, would your DD go for a compromise where she goes to stay with her Grandma for the summmer after her GCSEs? She could use the time to check out the place and the unis, and it's is far enough away timewise for her to get a paper round or something to pay for it (or some of it anyway!).

Maybe she'll find she hates it anyway, problem solved then