Do you ask overseas visitors to contribute?

[RedLeaves]

Hi. We have moved overseas and will have a visitor soon and hopefully over the years, who knows who will come.

My question is, if someone has spent hundreds of £££ coming to see you, how do you ask them to contribute to the weekly shopping?!

We are just about making ends meet and find the food shopping quite an expense already with 3 DCs. I'm not so concerned with our first visitor, (I'm paranoid about being outed so can't give details) but it's just one female who probably won't eat much but what about say a couple come for a month or something?

If we go out and about, any entry fees etc I am not worried about, I feel that would be easier to deal with but the food issue I have worried about.

What have been your experiences? If we were in the same country it would seem fine to ask for a contribution but as I said, they've already spent loads to get here!

Ooh, a very pertinent question, we have visitors arriving tomorrow for 3 weeks and another lot arriving for a month in a couple of weeks (though they won't be staying with us the whole time, are travelling round too).

We are pretty skint at mo but no, we won't ask them to contribute to food. I imagine they will prob go out and buy booze quite a lot so will contribute that way. Booze not much good for me as pg but dh will enjoy my share too. Just can't ask them for food money - seems wrong somehow. They have spent thousands coming to see us and I don't think we'll be able to afford to go back to UK to see them for aaaages.

Planning on lots of cheap barbie meals - meat plus salads plus nice bread and lots of cheap in-season fruit (strawberries and watermelons espec good value at mo - yum). So hot in middle of day will just do snack-y lunches (crackers, cheese, fruit, salads etc)

I live outside my own country. We are not struggling for money so I wouldn't ask visitors to give us money to contribute to food, but they generally buy and cook the odd meal and get some wine in. Basically, people will not spend a lot of money to get somewhere they don't want to go. So if people come to visit you, it's at least 50% because they want to visit wherever-you-are and they will benefit from free accommodation. So if you need them to contribute to food costs then just say so.

The exception is your mum and dad, who may come just to see you, and if they love you enough to come and see you they will love you enough to buy some food too.

And if anyone comes for a month, charge them rent!

I'd love to see the look on my mil's face if I tried to charge her rent

I'm just delighted to be visited. I can't imagine asking for money for the privilege of having my friends and/or family trek all the way to where we have chosen to live (and in fact only my parents can afford to visit, so the point is slightly moot). But I wouldn't expect a visitor to stay for more than a week or two. If your finances are really tight, I think you should just tell your putative visitors up front. I wouldn't expect to ask any visitor for money, but we've generally been the guests prior to our move to North America, never stayed for more than a week or two, and never been asked or provided cash (but have brought booze, chocolates etc).

It's really a difficult one. We have asked on occasions for a contribution especially if they come with dc. I have found that people actually don't mind being asked to contribute.

Mostly we don't ask and in return a lot of the booze is paid for by them and they take us out somewhere for a slap up meal to say thanks.

If we then, say, go camping all together, then the costs get evenly distributed.

Interesting to see the different scenarios so far. Our first visitor is staying three weeks and I would imagine some would stay 3-4 weeks as it is such a long way from the UK.

As you've suggested, each situation is different but I am finding it useful to hear your experiences. Thank you.

Have never asked for a contribution unless we go on a trip away together. But there is usuallly a lot of generosity with presents and the gift of a meal out.

It is a very big deal having visitors when overseas: quite often it can take up a holiday when you might have gone away: you can end up showing people the sights you've already seen fifty times: and sometimes they might be there to see the country rather than you, in which case it's a nice cheapish holiday for them! It's a big deal the other way round too, if you live somewhere off the beaten track and they are bringing children.

I don't think asking for a contribution for food is a good idea. But my experience is that every visitor is generous with booze, pressies from the UK (mm Galaxy bars) and never ever less than grateful. So I think that asking would change the tone of everything.

I think it depends on how close you are go them and whether you expect them to reciprocate the hospitality when/if you go back to your home country.

For our families I would never ask for money towards food but then they (thankfully!) only come for a few days at a time. MIL often cooks a meal when she is here and goes shopping for the ingredients if I don't have what she needs in. Also people often offer to take us out for a meal or get a takeaway. But equally if it is close family it should be easier to ask for a contribution for food if you really need it.

Different situation if it is a friend & their family who is basically using you as free accomodation for their holiday. I would then cook for them maybe on the first & last night for sure but if it is for several weeks you need to spell out that you can't provide meals every day but they are welcome to use the kitchen? If it is one person on their own though is it really worth making a fuss for one extra person to feed?

I would absolutely not ask for a contribution towards food. But I would 'take' them with me and hope they would offer to contribute/pay for one lot or so. I guess it depends on the type of person they are.

We have family abroad who come to visit and outstay their welcome and also we go to visit them too. We always split the shopping, unless they insist/we insist on buying dinner that evening. It is only courteous to do so imo.

Like you said though, one person would be no hassle, so i would insist that person did not contribute at all, they could treat us another way by buying a take away, or paying for entrance fees one time, or buying the kids an ice cream or whatever, but their choice.

Oh, and as mentioned already, even when we split the shopping, we never ask and nor do they when we are there. It is a sort of presumption that this happens, we automatically ask how much it costs and pay half, or go and buy the shopping with them, and vice versa.

I think you will be surprised. I have never asked visitors for a contribution, but if anything have found that they are too generous (i.e. forcing me to let them pay for the weekly shop when they are with me, bringing us a load of duty free and treating us to dinners etc). Worst one was when I had some friends of my parents to stay (I'd never met them) - they had already been really generous during their visit and then when i went to change the beds they had left me an envelope with equiv of £100 in it as a contribution to the wine as they hadnt realised there were no offies in Dubai and felt guilty drinking our stash.

I live outside the UK and we often have visitors. I think I am not as far as you so the fare to get here is cheaper and people rarely stay longer than 2 weeks, if that.

We tend to find that things work themselves out because everybody is appreciative of being put up and most people we know seem to be generous and sensitive to money issues.

I don't think anyone has ever actually given us money (which I would find hard to accept) but they tend to do shopping of their own accord, buy booze, pay for a takeaway, etc.

Our house guests always seem to be nice and thoughtful, but if we ever have anybody who isn't like that I think I would suggest a communal shopping trip.

One summer we had nonstop guests for 6 weeks on the trot where I would go to the airport to drop off one lot and pick up the new arrivals. IIRC DH and I fell out terribly at the end of it all, seemed to put a leetle bit of strain on our marriage. I was about 6 months pregnant too. God we were mad to have said 'yes' to everybody!

I wouldn't ask them. But I'd be bloody surprised and miffed if they didn't offer to take us out and pay or summat.

In fact, an ex-friend (go figure) is the only one who came out, would go to the supermarket while I was at work and leave me the receipt on the kitchen table for reimbursement when I got back.

As I said, an ex-friend.

The last time my Mum came she bought me a microwave.

I think it depends on the type of relationship and purpose of holiday. We are going to stay with a cousin in Zurich. Not too close. So we will not be eating their food mostly. Crashing there and doing tourist stuff during the week days and on weekends we will probably go eat out together and treat (in turns) or split the bill.

My neice came and stayed with me for a month - school going, close realtionship. Didn't charge, didn't offer.
MIL etc - will not charge but will expect them to chip in as and when possible.

My dad was mean. He used to take his brothers shopping and when they offered, he would let them pay it all. My mum had to finally ask my uncle to stop offering!!

Also depends on how much money they have and the sort of exchange rates between the 2 countries. If they will be spending a small fortune on a loaf of bread then not worth them doing it.

For the sites too. We don't always pay for everyone. Some, we hand them the tube map and tell them how to buy tickets and where to go. Otherwise, we go and hang around outside and pay for them to visit Tussauds etc but I don't want to see it a million times! A few - we show them around and go with them the whole hog (my sister etc) Someone whose company I enjoy and am close too.

We'll be buying booze etc for the cousin in Zurich. (In case I sounded very un-appreciative of using his house as a free hotel.)

In my experience, most people offer, or at least pay for a meal out or a takeaway. I would never ask, but would probably be a bit miffed if nothing was forthcoming.

If that's for me and my cousin in Zurich... we do usually treat out and take stuff too.
The cousin in question is a bachelor and we will probably be taking him tons of stuff (cooked in my from my house as his kitchen is sure to be questionable) and I will probably be cleaning out his kitchen while I am there too!

I don't think he will be put off if we take him to dinner once and he takes us to dinner another day or we split.

As others have said, most people do offer to contribute. Take them shopping with you, it is always interesting to see what other countries offer in their supermarkets.

If you are really going to struggle, and you have guests coming for more than two weeks, then you could mention beforehand that since money is tight, you wont be able to do any expensive steak meals, but if they don't mind pasta and less expensive meals, then they are welcome to visit.

Well, thank you everyone, it was interesting and useful to see how you all handle it. I completely agree that each situation is different and it totally depends on who the visitors are.

We've lived abroad before and it was no problem, it is just that as we are further away this time, the people visiting us here, will no doubt stay for weeks at a time and that is what triggered my worry.

We are quite assertive and no doubt our guests will be utterly lovely and generous so I am sure it will be all fine in the end. Thank you all again.

We have non-stop visitors here in Switzerland, which I really appreciate (our last posting was far away in a war-torn African country that NOBODY was ever going to come to).

Financial contributions, as people say: I wouldn't ask explicitly, but I'd be annoyed if visitors didn't contribute. The cost of food here is high.

What I normally do with typical weekend guests is: pick up at airport and cook for them on arrival on Friday night, Saturday morning take them to one of the many Swiss/French farmer's markets for a trip out - we inevitably end up buying the food and wine for the rest of the weekend, it's a pleasure shopping around the market, and they always insist on buying the stuff.

I also plan a couple of lunches out, which are easier than constantly catering for big group in our house three times a day.

For longer staying guests (a week to three weeks so far) we always go to the supermarket en masse, and they always, without fail, split the bill. I obviously don't let them buy day-to-day things I'd be buying anyway, but booze, meat for the evening meal, cakes, chocolate etc they usually pay for. Our parents usually end up buying us (and esp dd) presents for the duration of the stay. I'd also expect long-staying visitors who are close to, to do some cooking if we're all eating together, during their stay.

Following on from this, I'd be interested to know whether people ask guests to contribute to housework, or if they just play the whole 'running a hotel thing' for visits?
For example, in a couple of weeks we have six, very good friends, staying for a long, party-filled/skiing weekend. I'll be asking them to strip their beds at the end of the stay and chuck the linen in the washing room. Otherwise it'll take me days to get round washing and making up three double beds (got an 11mo dd). I wouldn't be adverse to asking them to mop or hoover for 2 mins when the floor is muddy, if I'm busy. Also I encourage guests to walk our young dog (we live in the countryside, so there's a picturesque 30 min circuit you can do from our house with him). And it gives me/dh time to cook for everyone or whatever. Is this rude?