Massive life dilemma: please help

[Journeywoman]

This is my first post here, and I am afraid it's going to be a long one, but I have been lurking for a while and would really appreciate some advice from complete strangers, if you know what I mean.

Basically, we are professional expats and have been travelling the world for the past 12 years. I have two DC of 10 and 5.5. We have moved to 5 countries in the past 12 years. It has been hard, very hard and lonely, but also fun, very well paid and an experience to remember. My DH absolutely hates his job ( long hours, hideous stress, bullying bosses) and would like to start a business of his own, though annoyingly he's not sure exactly what yet. He intended to resign this year, retire to our home country and start his business. The recession has more or less destroyed this dream. Also, his employer has announced a generous pension scheme. If he works another 3 years, then he will be paid a lifelong pension for the rest of his life. It wouldn't amount to much here in the U.K, but would be enough to live on back in our home country ( just about).

My dilemma: Do we move again? We could be moved to any of 150 countries, including some horrible ones. We are looked after well, though with lots of support from his employer.

Pros of moving: (1) Just one: Filthy lucre. Plus my DH has been the main breadwinner for 17 years and I think I owe it to him to let him do something he enjoys. I figure 3 years will go by quickly.

Cons: So many! (1) I lost my father recently and my mother is now living alone in my home country. I have no siblings near her. I will be able to visit her about twice a year, but offer no other support.
(2) So far our children appear unscathed by our lifestyle; they make friends easily and love travelling. But I am worried that my ten year old daughter will not be able to cope with moving wherever and then moving back to our home country as a teen in three years time. I am lonely myself and absolutely dying to put down roots.
(3) I have my own small business and have managed to keep it limping along despite the constant moves, but have no idea if it will survive this one. It means the world to me and I have often been resentful when unable to pursue it.

Would you make these huge changes and move your family for a man who doesn't even know what he wants to do with his life? He has ideas, but thinks it will take time to figure out which ones work. They all seem very vague to me, but he figures he will work them out in three years.

Would so appreciate any advice, as I am really going around in circles on this one.

Could you wait and see where the next move would be to, and then decide? How much difference would it make to you if it was a country that appealed to you? Would that make a difference to whether you can pursue your business?

I'm not sure what to say about your daughter as my own children are much younger... I did move at that age but then home again a year later, so it's different I think. I imagine she would be fine now (especially as she sounds adaptable) but not sure how hard it is at 13.

I think your dilemma is very difficult, as you and your husband essentially have opposing wishes at this point.

We had moved every 4 years (for a whole host of reasons) for the last 15 or so and I too was desperate to put down roots the last time, but in the end we have moved again, this time for my job. In fact it's been ok, especially as this time it's for me and this time it should be permanent.

I guess I think the recession calls for desperate measures, and if you are in a good position and can be assured of lifelong security by sticking it out for one more move then maybe that's worth it. But I think you would have to be fully behind it - obviously I don't know just how fed up you are of the lifestyle, but I guess I would see it as doing this once more with a limited timeframe and thereby purchasing your family's future freedom (at which point you will be able to live in your home country while also giving your husband the chance to do what he wants to do).

Good luck with the decision...

Oh, what a difficult decision to make.

I agree that the next posting is really the deal breaker. If it is somewhere you could imagine yourself living reasonably comfortably (and safely) then it would perhaps be worth the effort.

Problem is, if your DH does not know now, how do you know that he will know in 3 years. He has presumably been thinking for while about this?

What about your business? If you settle back in your home country, would it be viable? Would it be enough to tide you over?

Hi - this is a difficult decision - but really I think if you have survived moving for 12 years (good and bad postings) , and that your husband has only 3 years left before receiving a full pension etc from his company, then logically (and I know it is nnot always logic that drives decisions!!) you should, as a family, stick it out for the final 3 years, and then due to his retirement package, you have some sort of financial freedom to follow both your and his dreams, and also to make an informed decision where to settle down.

I also think your children will be fine - one more move will not be a problem for your 10 year old, and at 13, there is still a number of school years left, so she will have time to settle back into her home country - if that is where you end up - make friends, and do her final exams at school. I think 13 is a perfect age to stop moving children - and that as a teenager she will probably be very happy to find some roots and feel she 'belongs' somewhere! Had she already been 13, then my advice would have been different, as I agree that it is hard to move an older teenage child.

As a complete nomad also, I understand that there comes a point where you wish to stop moving, and perhaps, for you, that point has now arrived. I do think, however, it would be foolish to stop now, when in 3 years your husband would be entitled to full benefits, even if it is not exactlty what you had planned to do. Do you need to move this time - could he extend his contract wherever you are now for another three years there?

HTH and let us know your decision!

Thank you all so much for your replies, and apologies for the late response. I am not sure I know what to do yet, but I feel so much better for venting.

Weta and MMe Lindt: Yes, it is a difficult decision, isn't it? I think expat life is all about making agonising decisions, and never knowing if you have made the right ones! I won't know what the next posting is until June probably, but it is likely to be safe. In any case, my home country ( India) is not particularly safe either!

As for my own business, It will depend on whether the country I move to is an English speaking one. I plan to go back to a full time job once we move back to India, but not sure if I will get one, having been out of the workforce for so long. I think our pension and investments should see us through though.

Shophappy: Most of my friends and family think the way you do. They reason that if my husband has worked 15 years for the same organisation, the least he deserves is a minimum pension and retirement package.

I did talk to my daughter about moving so many times and how she feels about it, and her response was "Oh, I can always make new friends!" I know children often suffer in moves, but my children seem to enjoy the different experiences.

Afraid it is not possible to extend my husband's contract any more.

Think more agonising is coming my way!

if the pension will be enough to live on back home and there is only 3 years to go until he is eligible for it, I think best stick with the current job. It will be much easier to start up a business back home, knowing you have a regular income from whihc you can live if all else fails.

Three years is a good amount of time to research, plan and get the ball rolling for setting this business up. With a concrete goal in mind, perhaps he will be better able to deal with the stress of his current working life. It is one thing to feel stuck in a stressful rut and another to be aware of the bad sides of life but to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel - and to know what you'll be doing then.

I think you should take these last 3 years, and as zzz says take the time to really plan your future once you go back to India. You could, for example, retrain or upgrade your skills in view of your return to the workforce, eg with a degree (even by distance learning), scoot out business opportunities, start networking etc.

you have involved your dd in the decision and i think that's great, my parents moved us when i was 13 and i really resented jsut being told from one day to the next.... she's given you positive feedback, so i wouldn't worry really.

I think it is a bit harsh to say that you would do that for a man who doesn't even know what he wants from his life. If he takes the 3 years, he would be doing it mostly to secure a future for his family and you say yourself he really suffers in his job.

that isn't to say i don't understand your dilemma- we have just moved to Switzerland because of my husband's job and it has put a massive strain on our relationship as i was incredibly reluctant. But, in the end, it was the best course of action and so i went with it.

good luck!

Can you think yourself forward 10 or 15 years, and try to see the decision from that perspective?

IME, it does get harder for the children as they get older....but then again, you'veonly got 3 yrs to go..