Oh god, I could cry.
OK, so going on all the great advice I got here - and some from colleagues, we rolled up to the gemeentehuis on Thursday to get "ongeboren kind erkennen" - which means, we wanted to formally recognise my boyfriend as the father of the child should the worst happen - i.e., I die during childbirth.
First problem was that we were asked to prove that we'd never been married before - to each other - or in fact anyone else. Can't see what this has to do with the parentage tbh... the baby is coming - whether I've an ex-husband or not! n.b., neither of us have been married. Anyway, she took photocopies of our passports.
I rang the UK consulate (in Amsterdam) on Friday and she said we'd have to travel up to Amsterdam (bear in mind I live in South Limburg so it's 3 hrs each way on the train...) - then it's 66 euros for a sworn affidavit to say we've never been married. I said to the woman on the phone "this is rubbish, I've been out of the UK for over a decade - you have no idea what I was doing in Vegas in 1997 for example". She concurred... but apparently the Dutch think we're less likely to lie to the Brit consulate than to them.
Then... this morning I got a phonecall from the gemeentehuis from the woman I spoke to on Thursday asking which nationality we wanted the baby to have? I said "British, he's entitled to British". She says she doesn't know that as she has no proof we were born in the UK and ergo are entitled to British citizenship ourselves. I told her that the passports she photocopied on Thursday quite clearly show "Place of birth" as being UK for the both of us. I suggested that I give her a weblink to something on the British Consulate website attesting to the fact that the baby will be entitled to British citizenship and we've no interest in Dutch citizenship. Again, she's told us we need to go to Amsterdam and get another affidavit!
Does anyone have any advice on how we might handle this? It's proving such an effing pita I'm wondering whether I ought to just drive to blinkin' Calais when I go in to labour.
PS I'm not on an enormous expat salary so when we start talking 350 euros for a day trip to Amsterdam to prove I'm British it's just not funny.