Please help with any advice.. expat family, troubled teen

[crapmumofteenager]

We've been living abroad for about ten years and my eldest son, whose fourteen has moved with us. He's been to about five different schools. This last move seems to have been the final straw. He's not doing any work and seems sometimes to be so utterly recalcitrant we can't get the simplest things done. Today, for example, he just refused to go to the dentist. It's not a big deal, the dentist, but he hasn't got out of bed all day and I think he's been asleep, and I'm worried that he's depressed. It wouldn't surprise me. He can't do any of the normal things teenagers do, he's trapped in the house and has no independence at all. Sometimes he's cross, sometimes he's "I just don't care." He locks the door to his room and just is on his own.

He's a sweet boy and is funny and entertaining and good company, but he seems to be closing up. I've been looking at the possibility of counselling but where we live we are not spoiled for choice and I've had difficulty finding a recommendation.

I feel I am being very inconsistent. I get cross about not doing homework, and ground him from all sorts, then I feel sorry for him as he has such a rotten life and try to over compensate.

His Dad has very little sympathy and thinks he's a bit of a loser. This is a WHOLE OTHER ISSUE and when there is bad feeling I try to keep them apart as I don't want hurtful things said.

The other children have coped well with the moves but I think that just makes ds1 feel even worse, like a complete failure. It's as though he's given up.

Sorry for length. Has anyone with older children any experience or advice to offer? I don't know what to do.

Hi cmot,
it really does sound like your ds needs some counselling and all the support you (and your dh!!!) can give him. Where are you based, if you don't mind me asking?

Why not post this in the Teenagers section of MN? I'm pretty sure there is a good bunch of mn with teenagers who can give you their support.

Have you talked to his school? Is there any way they can help to make him feel more "settled"? I don't have much experience with teenagers (yet), but I would have been heart broken to move at your ds's age. I really think he needs lots of understanding. I moved abroad as an adult, and found it very difficult, tbh.

I wish you all the best

I'm not a parent but I did it as a teen. 50% of this is your son bheing a teenager. Teenagers sleep a lot, they don't want to do things like go to the dentist or homework. Teenagers also need consistency and boundaries - it's a bit like having a toddlers all over again but without the toilet training. Having said that it does sound like there's a bit more to it.

Whereabouts in the world do you live? Are there things for expat children/the international community? Are there any links between his old life and his new one? Why do you say he's trapped and has no independence? Is there a way around that?

It's really difficult to break into a new school at that age unless it's an international one with a very high turnover rate - there children are used to people coming and going and the school usually has some kind of mechanism in place

Stuff that really helped me was: being able to keep in touch with my old friends, having a routine and activities to go to - mine were church and guiding but it got me out the house and my parents giving me space to 'be a teen'. Yes I locked the door on my room sometimes and sulked, I also wrote (terrible!) depressed poetry about how awful my life was, how lonely I was and how I had no friends but it did get better. It just took longer for me to get there than it did my parents or siblings. I have to say though I didn't move schools (I was 'fostered' in the UK instead!) but in some ways that was worse because I was straddling 2 lives.

Best of luck!

thank you both -- limited on comp at mo but coming back to respond

so helpful..will be back x

Thanks again. Franca we live in an Asian country where there's no cycling to a mate's house or walking to school or getting on a bus to town for a film. Even I as an adult have found the lack of privacy and the "trappings of privilege" rather oppressive so I can understand that locking the door is the only way he feels he can control things.

There are not many activities attached to the school and it's quite a small school. But it's the only one that does iGCSE so we're a bit stuck, as we will eventually come home. He hasn't really had a problem making acquaintances but I think that having said goodbye to three sets of friends already he's just thinking what's the point. The school will not help at all. Yes I was thinking of posting in teens because I don't really know if this has anything to do with what our lives are like.

Franni it was very interesting to read how you coped. We too have had the poetry! He's got an fb account which helps a lot, and we're making sure we see a lot of his friends when we go back. Did your parents stick to boundaries or did they relax because they could tell you were finding it hard?

Would you consider boarding school so he feels more settled in terms of both his education and friends?

I moved a lot growing up and my parents sent me to boarding school from age 10 (my brother joined me later on when he was 9). Looking back it was the best thing they could have done, although it was hard for them and, at the beginning, for me. Being at boarding school gave me the stability of friends who were in the same boat as me, with parents living all over the world, and some have remained my good friends to this day. We also had the stability of a continuous education without any moves or different educational systems to disrupt it. We just went home to a new country occasionally instead! (As frannikin pointed out sometimes there just isn't a good expat community or international school where you move to that can help with settling in to a new place.)

I realise the option of boarding school isn't for everyone but it might be an idea to consider. Not all children like it and not all parents like it either (although we found that the children tended to enjoy it more than the parents!), but it's sometimes worth a try or at least a consideration.

Yes, we've considered it Louise and he got into a couple of really good schools but then he didn't want to go. I should have been tougher/more persuasive I think.

My parents stuck to the boundaries fairly consistently. Not sure how I felt about that...in some ways it was good because at least I knew where the boundaries were and I'd have been confused if they were always changing but at the same time they weren't necessarily appropriate to the new lifestyle. Maybe it would have been better to sit down with the whole family and draw up a new set of boundaries etc. I liked (in retrospect) the insistence on family meals and some form of familial activity, in our case church, but I didn't like the existing restrictions on TV/computer etc which were appropriate to our old life, where we were out the house a lot more, but less so for our new life where we didn't really have anything else to do. Homework had to be done, and to a decent standard, but I was only home for holidays so that was less of a challenge. My parents tried the softly-softly approach with my brother - it didn't work but that could be for numerous reasons: I was going back to my old school so in many ways the move had less impact on me, he was only 8 or 9 at the time, he was the youngest, the school was very small and there was only 1 other boy in the class, he had academic difficulties which weren't picked up on...but I do think that he would have benefited from some boundaries to push against.

We also moved to a more restricted environment but not Asia. I definitely found not being able to get on a bus/go round to a friend's house difficult and did retreat to my room. What helped there was that my parents respected my space and my privacy, letting me do what I wanted to it and keeping my siblings out!

Do you know how long you're going to be staying where you are? Will he reconsider moving to boarding school? I think he probably needs to find some kind of stability - either working towards moving schools at the end of the year or knowing that he'll be there until he finishes his schooling. Having moved recently as an adult for what is likely to be a short time (although I don't know, bloody military) I have found it more difficult to settle than when I knew it was going to be my life for the next 5 years.

I do sympathise with him but don't go too easy on him. If he is lashing out/withdrawing then he needs something to lash out at or withdraw from, which is where you come in! It's a difficult balance and I'm really not looking forward to going through the same thing!

That's very interesting, especially about the softly approach not working. And the siblings too.. Thanks for sharing. I am at such a loss. I have found routines increasingly hard to stick to so I think I will need to regenerate some quite sound ones. His siblings are definitely going off to school after the way we have mucked up things for ds1 but I think I have to find stability for him here. And let him know this is where he will be staying so that he can look ahead and KNOW what the next two years will bring.

You're right about the fact that I need to be the person he gets cross with or he won't know where he is! I hadn't really thought of it like that. I buzz between trying to be a strict headmistress, a best friend, a counsellor, a vague neutral background presence I've really lost it.

Do you think you could re-introduce the idea of boarding school?

You know how important it is to fit in when you're a teenager. Having lived in two large chaotic Asian cities for many years myself, I hated that feeling that I could live there all my life and never fit in. And that was in my 20s and 30s.

Notwithstanding its population of 16 million, Shanghai felt like the smallest place I've ever lived. The expat bubble is tiny and you end up seeing the same 1,000 or so faces again and again. Your son may be dealing with the same issues of a teenager in Orkney. Does he speak the language of your host country?

Not at all - I won't say much more on here as obviously I'm just one person and I'm sure others will have more to add but if you want to e-mail to hear more about my experience and stuff that gelped or didn't then you can reach me on englishgoverness at gmail dot com

You haven't lost it, you're just temporarily realigning things, which everyone has to do after a big move, a change in lifestyle and as children change. You've just had all three at once so obviously it's a bit difficult to find your feet again! Also I guess it must be pretty difficult for you working out what are normal 'teenager' issues, what are normal 'expat' issues and what aren't normal.

I do hope it all works out for you.

Or even helped...

Ninedragons I don't think I can. If would be too dramatic a flip flop. But I hadn't been thinking about him fitting in here as such, probably because our tenure has a fuzzy ending.. maybe two years, maybe four..you know. Maybe more effort that way would help. A lot of the children he likes at school are local but no, he doesn't speak the language. English is one of the official languages and all the local children at school speak English.

Franni you are too kind. I have had some success today after a bit of a rethink. I told him the plans for the next two years, including sending off the others, and he took it badly but then recovered, as if it was at least something he could plan for. Also tried to rediscover my normal firm but fair approach without being too scratchy and it was fine. Kind of fine, but fine. He did some homework anyway, and came out of his room for a family meal. That counts as good!

OP, firstly, you are not a crap mum, just a mum of a teenager, which I know is not easy.

Hate to say it but boarding school is the answer. Not to send him away as punishment but to give him stability.
Has he already started studying for his (I)GCSE's? if not, seriously think about getting him moved back to a UK boarding school before the end of the summer.

We are in Saudi and 3 years ago I moved out here with my DS (then 13) and DD (then 10). My DS had just finished his prep school and was offered a place at a really good school for GCSE's/A levels but we (stupidly!) gave him the choice as to whether he wanted to go to the UK boarding school or come with us. After a 3 week visit he decided to come out and now accepts it was the wrong choice, although he does admit it was a good opportunity for him to leave in a different country/experience another culture etc. For the past year or so we've wanted to return to the UK but were unable to as we were effectively tied here until he finished his GCSE's, which he does this summer.
My DD (DH's step-D) didn't settle in too well at school. Even though it is a 'british' school, only 30% of the pupils are in fact british and the school was not a patch on the school she'd gone to in the UK. They didn't bother pushing her and half the time she didn't have homework or had less than she had 2 years ago in the UK. Her behaviour became appalling and she became only interested in make up, nail varnish and boys (not necessarily in that order) her school work suffered and she became a complete bitch (I know it sounds harsh, but true) to live with, constantly verbally abusing both me and my DH who had given her so much.
We theatened boarding school and looked into it last February when on a visit to the UK and she was accepted into the school. We didn't want to have the same issues here with her having the possibility of having to leave halfway through her GCSE's (DH's job very insecure at times) so decided to put her into the school from last September. She has settled in really well and loves it and wished she'd done it sooner.
DS has been accepted into a really good UK college for his A levels and will return in the summer even though the school here has just started a 6th form.

DD is flying out here in a few weeks for easter and we can't wait as she is a much nicer person.

Saudi is not the place for teenagers and I imagine that parts of Asia are like that too. they need to have some stability in their lives and it seems your DS has had a lot of disruption with the constant moves. Can you assure him that he won't be moved again before his IGCSE's. You need to emphasise that the possibility of boarding school is not a punishment, but coudl be in his best interests.

The school my DD goes to is the Royal Alexandra & Albert in Reigate, Surrey. Its perfect for us as only about 20 mins from LGW (and near our UK base) so its perfect for her getting dropped off and put on planes to visit us. There are quite a few foreign boarders at the school and they have a really good social life. Well worth a look.
Good luck

You have been through it too -- everything sounds so familiar. I'm going to come back later and show this whole thread to my dh. He tends to think it's all down to ds1 and not the situation and it's so hard for me to tell him that CANNOT be right.

Just want to say before this drops off everybody's threads I'm on -- thank you very much. Your input and comments have been veyr helpful and provided much food for thought.

xxxxxxxxxx

Its definitely the situation. Teenagers need some normality and stability in their lives which sadly you don't get in a lot of places abroad. Obviously all teenagers can be stroppy too, but from the sounds of it, he needs to be more settled. Hope you manage to resolve it all x

How's it going this week? Hope it's better.