DD is so sad, please come and reassure me that I am not ruining her life...

[MmeLindt]

... and give me some tips on helping her cope.

We moved to the French-speaking area of Switzerland 6 weeks ago. The DCs started local school one week later. DS (4yo) is a sunny boy, nothing fazes him.

DD is a different story. She is quite sensitive and in the past few days has been quiet and sad. She has cried a few times. She misses her friends, she hated not being able to just go out in the courtyard and nip over to her friends house. She does not understand anything.

She is getting extra French lessons in a different school, once a day either am or pm. The other children in the class are at different stages, the impression I have is that she is the only absolute beginner.

Added to this is the fact that her normal teacher was ill for the first 3 weeks so she has had 3 different teachers at her regular school. Today, at the French lesson it was another different teacher, also the 3rd teacher in that school. So she has had 6 different teachers, some of whom she does not even know their name.

I know that the first couple of months are going to be the hardest but she is so sad and unhappy

Do you have any ideas of strategies for helping her cope? We have arranged for some new friends (ones that speak English) to come and visit.

Oh, your poor poor DD.

I sounds like you're doing lots to help her cope.

I suppose just letting her know and reassuring her that this will pass, that she will understand more and more, and that she will make friends soon could help her.

Is she still in touch with her friends in Germany. Could she keep this going by email / msn/ skype etc?

She is not really in touch with friends in Germany, tbh I don't know if that would make it worse. She cannot read and write yet, and neither can her friends in Germany (they are only 6yo and they don't start school till 6 in Germany), and I cant see her phoning and chatting.

I don't know whether to let her keep in touch or if that is going to make her homesickness worse.

She cried when I left her at her French lesson today, and clung to me.

I told her I would give her something of mine that she could hold, but did not have anything. When I left she was clutching my stash of arnica

Poor dd, I know what it must be like mmelindt. Had it with dd too. It's so heartbreaking isn't it.

When we left south Germany dd had exactly 1 week of school so she couldn't write either. She tried to keep i touch with her 2 best friends - so about 6 months later they exchanged their firts letters but then it stopped and she can't even remember them now. She pines for her best friend from Berlin now but they are still too young to keep visiting and still aren't into chatting on the phone. Sounds like your dd has had especially bad luck with so many different teachers too. Are you allowed to sit in on school lessons? Might help if you ask to sit in one morning and go round with her at break time, speak to the dc with her, your French is better than hers so she might feel better if you could talk for her? I know that helped my dd whenever I could help out at school or join in.

Oh, Admylin, my French is almost non-existant, so I am no help to her there.

I just phoned and made an appointment to speak to her teacher tomorrow, I don't know what I hope to achieve except to make the teacher aware of the fact that DD is unhappy at present.

I cannot see her keeping in touch with her friends in Germany, they are just too young. It does make me think twice about what will happen when we move again (which is inevitable).

How are your two settling in, Admylin?

Hi ML, sorry to hear this.

What age do dc start school in Switzerland?

My thoughts are : can you take her out of school for a while, keep her home and attending fun things like clubs in French (brownies, sport, Sunday school) and getting private tutoring for 6 months to bring her French up to standard and then try re-inserting her into the school system or would she be miles behind? You could gently in that time introduce her to maths and reading in her first language.

The transfer from reading in one language to 2-3 goes heaps more smoothly than mastering the initial decoding activity that is reading and building up stamina IME. You know dd readsin 3 languages and German was slow to get started with, after that English took no time, ditto Russian.

That would make a HUGE difference I think. Give her a chance to get her bearings. If that is not on the cards there, I can only think of getting a private tutor instead of these additional French lessons in a school and giving her a pet of her own to care for. (I realise travelling so much this is difficult, so if you can find someone/someplace to care for the pet whilst you're on holiday).

actually just remembered Cadmum lives in Switzerland and she is home-schooling one of her children so it is possible. THey have some monitoring system she mentioned I know that. I know it may not be something you want to do but perhaps for a certain time it would take the pressure off dd.

ZZZen
School is compulsory from age 6 so unfortunately that is not an option. I don't think that the school is the problem, she was ok till she started the French lessons. They really seem to have unsettled her.

She goes Monday pm, Tuesday am, Thursday pm, Friday pm. I cannot remember that, I have to keep looking at my list so no wonder she is confused and unsettled.

One of my neighbours with a child in her class mentioned horse riding, she has been harping on about that for a while so I might see if she can go there.

I don't know about a pet, we are away a lot. Our neighbours have a dog and 2 cats and they spend a lot of time wiht them. Perhaps I can do more with them, taking the dog for walks etc.

She adores my neighbours, the woman is an artist and has started doing art lessons with DD.

Would be nicer to just have an older school girl come round and play with her in French 4 x a week than go to those lessons by the sound of it. Sort of bigger sister.

Hmm, I don't know if the lessons are compulsory. I will ask the teacher tomorrow. Perhaps she could go just two mornings for a couple of weeks until she is more settled.

I thought about getting a babysitter who would speak a bit of French with her. She generally loves older girls. Good idea. I will ask my neighbour.

We moved to France when dd was 4 years old. She started school not speaking any French and at first it was a complete nightmare. Every morning she would be in tears, begging me not to leave her. One horrible, horrible morning they had to prise her fingers off me and I heard her screaming for me, I fled the classroom and just wept and wept. I noticed this dad pointing me out to the teacher who came after me and tried to calm me down. Even now I'm having to take deep breaths as I relive that. She had her school photo taken that day and her face on that photo betrays her feelings, it is the saddest photo we have.

But then one day, coming back from school, I noticed a little boy outside his house which was opposite ours. dd said he was in her class so I approached him and said hello. The dad came up and it turned out that he was the same dad who'd seen me that day in the school (I only found this out months later). The little boy was also new, he'd moved from Paris. He and dd started playing together and he really took her under his wing, they were inseparable. She stopped crying in the mornings, she spent all of her time with him and she started to speak French.

So don't lose heart. He was the best friend dd ever had and despite her sad start, she would now move back to France like a shot if she could (as would I), she loved it there and made many many more friends.

Ask her teacher if she can be paired up with a buddy in school, someone who lives nearby ideally. Organise playdates with her classmates. Can you bring her home for lunch every now and then, just to break the day up a little?

It will pass, as soon as she learns the language she will start to settle in. If you like, CAT me and I'll arrange for her to speak to my dd who's now 8.

I think if you told the teacher she was enjoying school but these French lessons have thrown her back and you feel since the classes are made up of dc of differing ability, she would advance faster with 1-1 lessons so you would prefer to organise individual tutoring for her; I really don't see what objection they could have to that.

Only problem I can think of is that they wouldn't know what she was covering in private tuition but surely that could be discussed. You could ask for their advice on what to ask the tutor to cover for instance. Actually all I think she needs is babysitting in French, stressfree, fun and with a person she likes.

Rhubarb
I just blubbed, reading your post. What a lovely, heartwarming story. Thank you so much for the offer of letting your DD speak to DD, I will ask her.

There is a girl who lives 3 doors down but she is not interested in DD. Her sister is but she is younger than DD. There is noone else nearby her age, but there are a few girls in the village. I am quite happy to take her down to the village to meet other kids.

What do you think of the idea of having a housewarming party where she (and DS) could invite some of their classmates?

You moved around the same time as us and we haven't settled yet either so it might just be a question of time and she'll settle as soon as she finds a friend as rhubarb says.

How many more moves can we cope with eh? Is Geneva for a set time?

A housewarming party is a lovely idea!

In France they didn't go to school on Weds, is that the same in Switzerland? Many kids would go to clubs on these days, so perhaps you could sign up your dd to go horse-riding? Then she'll have something in common with the other children.

They probably find it hard to relate to her too, it's difficult to strike up a friendship with someone who doesn't understand you. Don't force the language thing, she is being bombarded with French every day and to have it after school too might be too much. She will learn faster than you. It took dd 3 months before she started understanding everything that was being said to her. It took her longer to speak, mainly because of a lack of confidence, but she did get there and by the time we left, 2 years later, she was fluent.

It's a slow process, all you can do is to encourage her, praise her and ensure she is given plenty of chill-out time after school.

Hi Mme Lindt, congratulations on your move ...

Sorry your little girl is finding it such tough going at the moment ... it must be tough on you too ... and the frequent changes in teaching staff can't help.

For what it's worth just wanted to say that I've witnessed this situation fairly often with children in dd's class and with friends and colleagues (live in Bxls) and it honestly DOES get better!

In some cases, it takes about one year for the child to adjust but by that stage they are usually fluent. I know it's being cruel to be kind but I would invite French-speaking (not English-speaking) children over regularly. The best way to learn is through playing ..and they really do learn very fast (particularly when doing something they enjoy) .and I'd keep up the extra French lessons too...

A party sounds like a great idea! (As does having a word with the headmistress) Good luck with it all! Hopefully, with it being Christmas soon, your dd will have some fun things happening at school that will help to cheer her up too ...

So Rhubarb would you safely say we aren't ruining our sensitive dc's lives with all this travelling and moving? Sounds as if your dd came out of it OK? What was the move after France like?

We go to the American Womens Club on Wednesdays, they have a childrens club so she has children there who speak English.

I think you are right, Rhubarb, more French lessons would just frustrate her, she needs to have fun with French. I will see if I can find a fun young girl to spend some time with her.

ZZZen
I don't know if I would be allowed to organise individual tutoring, she would have to go into her normal class if she were not in the French lesson. So tutoring would then be after school, which wont work. We are already finding it difficult to fit 2 lots of homework into the week (from each school)

oh I see the extra French lessons are during regular schooltime, I assumed they were before school began and after it finished. Sorry!

You know wht I also think, she is just not yet used to school. It's a big change from German KG and the free playing that goes on there all day. I know my dd needed about 3 months to adjust to the whole structured sit-down and pay attention thing which is school. Maybe that's part of it too.

School is very tiring for the dc at first and they need time to adjust to it, even in a language they have already mastered. Just imagine you or I were out at work all day in a foreign language environment and we were struggling all day to make sense of what was being said to us. We wouldn't be all that happy and also not up to much at the end of it.

Poor little thing, I hope when she comes back fresh after the Christmas break, things will be a lot easier for her.

No you are not ruining their lives! We moved from Preston to France, then to Carlisle and around 3 months ago we moved here to Wiltshire.

My dd was always a sensitive child too, but moving to France, going through all of that actually did her good, her confidence hit the roof! The move to Carlisle was a mistake, but she seems happy and settled here, has had no probs making friends.

I think that if they face problems in childhood, and are helped to overcome those problems with loving, supporting and encouraging parents, it helps their development. They mature and are more likely to be able to deal with problems as they get older. You are doing them a favour by giving them life experiences.

Yes, instead of going to her normal class, she goes to a different school (in the next village as there are only 2 DCs from our village) for the French lessons.

That is a good point, school is so different to kindergarten.

She comes home at lunchtime so has some timeout during the day.

Sympathies it is hard moving around. My father worked in the oil industry and as a child we moved every couple of years or so all over the world. From 9 onwards I was at boarding school in the UK but prior to that I attended several schools. The language barrier is surprisingly quickly overcome by children, so I agree with others not to bombard her with stuctured french lessons, at that age they seem to learn it by osmosis!

Hope things settle soon for you all.

Rhubarb your story made we well up too.

If the extra French lessons are the straw breaking DD's back then could you not ask the school to back off and take it a little more slowly for a while? It seems to me that the need to spend time with her 'real' class and settle is more pressing than the need for extra lessons right now

French speaking babysitter/ pseudo big sister sounds like a great idea

I was born in Carlisle rhubarb! Grew up in the Lake district so you can imagine why I soemtimes wonder if I should go back there and let my dc live a nice peacefull, stable life with constant schooling.