Stressing out about friend coming to visit (very long, sorry!)

[sunnydelight]

An old friend is supposed to be coming to stay next week for a month. She texted to say "I'm thinking of coming, would x-x be ok" which I took to mean she wanted to stay with us. I said fine, but warned her that we live in a very quiet, suburban area with crap transport and she doesn't drive so said she would probably want to be more central for at least some of her stay. She has other friends here.

She is the same age as me (mid 40s) but in a totally different place. She's single, no kids, is extremely egocentric and quite frankly unless she has changed massively I know she will expect me to drop everything for her. I have 3 kids and am manically busy with the end of the school year, etc. I have told her this but she has never responded. In the year before we left for Sydney I probably saw her once, most plans got cancelled last minute on a "something better came up" basis. She is godmother to my daughter but has never so much as sent her a birthday card. Anyway, last week I started getting a bit anxious as my calander is filling up. It also turned out that DDs kindy orientation session is 9am the morning she arrives so I can't pick her up from the airport. We only have one car so DH can't do it either as I need it. Bearing in mind it's Sydney, I know it's nice to be collected but it really isn't a bit deal to get a cab. So, I e-mailed her telling her this, and also outlining a few commitments I have which means I won't be around. I did re-interate the fact that I was looking forward to seeing her, and suggested some things we could do together like a trip to the Hunter Valley etc. I made it clear that when the kids break up from school on the 4th December (giving 2 weeks before she leaves) I would be much more available. I was kind of hoping for a "don't worry, I'm a grown up I can sort myself out and I'll fit in with you guys" kind of response!

If you're still with me so far you're doing well!! Anyway, she hasn't responded to my e-mail BUT she's started posting on facebook about "panicking about my trip", "I don't think they want me", "I'll have to sleep in the airport" etc. I am FURIOUS. She knows I go on facebook so I can only presume I'm now supposed to grovel saying "I'll make it all right". Tbh I feel like responding on facebook with the phone number of a hostel, but of course I wont. I did NOT invite her to stay, I am happy for her to stay but I need her to be a bit independent so I can get on with my life, at least until the kids break up from school. Am I being a total cow?

Of course you're not being a cow.

Her posts on Facebook are extremely rude and immature imo.

No way should you have to pander to her every whim while she is in Sydney. You clearly have a busy life of your own. She doesn't sound like a fantastic friend (or godmother).

I have no advice on how to deal with her though as I am Mrs Non-confrontational I'm afraid. But good luck!

Echo Whatshesaid!

Could you find out about a convenient hotel and let her knwo the details?

And jeez, if I was in Sydney on holiday, childfree, I'd be able to find plenty to do on my own initiative! Sounds like she has let you down a fair bit in the past so why does she expect you to put her life on hold for her?

sunnydelight - send her the number for the wentworth we stayed there when childfree - close to the gardens/harbour/city/darling harbour circular quay.

No way are you being a total cow. She needs to be independent - you are not a tour guide fgs.

She sounds very childish and selfish!
to be honest, even though you used to be better friends I dont think thats worth putting yourself through the stress that this visit will be without being honest with your friend about how she is making you feel.
If you dont say anything you'll probably end up falling out anyway or resenting her for making you run around after her.

If it was me I'd email her and tell her that you are very upset by the comments on facebook that she must have known you'd see. Tell her if she was worried that you'd rather she had spoken to you like a grown up!
Re-iterate that you are looking forward to seeing her and spending some time with her in the last 2 weeks she will be with you and that she is also very welcome to use your hosue as a base for the beginning o her trip.
I'd ask her what on earth is making her feel unwelcome as you feel you have made a real effort to put her up, fit time for her in your manic life and made an effort to keep her up to date with what will be going on at that time.

Ungrateful cow!!

she is being totally out of order. post on facebook about your immature friend being selfish - see how she likes that.

Thanks. I've managed to stress it about it so much it's hard to put things in perspective so the reassurance is welcome!

Are you going to confront her about it when she gets there?

Out her on Facebook. Comment onher comments making it clear what a twat she's being.

That is unbelievably rude!!

Email her and tell her how upset you are. Say how after this you'll quite understand if she doesn't want to stay and tell her you can recommend some hotels. Reiterate that public transport is ropy, that you live in the burbs, that you cannot act as taxi driver. You would love to see her but you hae a life and you can't drop everything for her.

If she doesn't like it, then really too bad. At a certain point friendships have to give. This is one of them

Don't sink to her level by starting a Facebook argument. Either call her now, or wait until she gets here and talk to her about it.

You clearly need to deal with this but Facebook is not the way forward...I agree with the others, just email her and (gently) explain that you've seen her comments and that of course she's welcome etc etc but that she's a big girl and will have lots to do and that you've got 3 young children and ongoing commitments. Maybe suggest again that she spends some time staying with you and some in a hotel?

IMO long visits from child free friends and relatives are always a bit stresful. I have to date always been lucky. She sounds a bit immature tbh. I think you've been upfront. She cannot reasonably expect you to drop everything (like children!!) for a month. I've had a few visitors for that duration and always suggested, which they've taken up, that they head off on their own after about 10 days or so. I'm meeting my child free, girl about sister in Q'land with dh and boys next April. She has pre-booked on some trip that would be too long for the boys, has been warned I will probably not be up past 10pm , it's the 6am starts!!! and definately will not be drinking myself stupid in bars night after night. She on the other hand has said she will and will find others who want to drink with her!!!

Your 'friend' needs to grow up and start planning. Was she jsut expecting free accomodation and transport?!?!?

I think that's exactly what she's expecting Sibble - free accommodation and transport. I also know from past experience that she thinks that as DH has a good job we can afford to pay for her all the way. She doesn't quite get the fact that one fairly reasonable salary for one person with no mortgage leaves you better off than one good salary with 5 people to support!

I've actually just had some not great news from the doctor today and I'm feeling pretty low, so I resent even continuing to give it headspace. I think I'm going to e-mail along the lines of "as I haven't heard from you I'm assuming you've made other arrangements, phone me if you want to meet up for a coffee"!

she sounds like a bit of a nightmare tbh.
Def send e-mail re: hope you've found a nice hotel, would you like to come for Sunday lunch next week?

It is not worth it - hope you are OK btw. wrt news from doctor.

My sympathies are with you, sunnydelight.
Since moving abroad I've realised the trials involved when friends and family want to visit.
What a lot of them don't 'get' is that this is your life - not a holiday. They may be on holiday but you are not, and life, family, commitments still have to take precedence.
And the two aren't particularly compatible.
I think you've done the best you can in a difficult situation - the email sounds like a fair comment. Maybe she'll get the hint or it'll at least provide a forum for adult discussion. She sounds very selfish and immature, though, so brace yourself for more stupid comments and try and let it ride over you.
I'm really sorry that your health is not good - put yourself first in every respect.

Whoa! Your friend is terribly out of order.

Think you did the right thing nipping it in the bud before she turned up at Arrivals waiting for the SunnyD Taxi and Flunky Service.

Perhaps a polite prod in the direction of The Apartment Service (lots of great flats in interesting, central areas like Darlinghurst and Bondi) and let the friendship fizzle out.

If she stays with you, you'll be ready to disembowel her and stick the remains in the nearest storm drain by the end of the second week. Just don't you go sweetly suggesting a Sydney meet-up and fobbing her off on us, woman!

I think your plan is very sensible sunnyd, stay dignified

Sorry you've had bad news. Take care.

Ok I've done it - e-mailed her that is! I said how pissed off I was that she had chosen to ignore my e-mail while complaining on facebook. I re-iterated that I was only trying to make sure her trip worked for both of us, and was sorry that she had taken obviously taken offence at the fact that I couldn't stop my life for a month. I also said that I assume she's made arrangements for somewhere else to stay. I FEEL SO RELIEVED!

Thank you all so much for your support - it was really helpful to know that I wasn't the one acting unreasonably.

Califrau - I remember you posting about your uninvited guests. Sounds like it wasn't too bad in the end, I'm glad! I know I responded, probably something along the lines of "be assertive". Well I took my own advice in the end Now it's time to arrange a Sydney meet up!!!!

Well done sunny

Please let us know how she replies ... if she does!

Well she did finally respond last Sunday, she said she thinks I owe her an apology!!!!! The comments on facebook were apparantly a "flippant remark" and she "mightn't come now because I had her in tears". She says she feels she deserves to be welcomed having travelled around the world, after all I've had her dates since July. I could pretty much see her stamping her feet and holding her breath until she turns blue ........

Oh dear Sunny.

Well, I suppose it's preferable for her to have her tantrum nice and far away from you rather than when she's staying with you. But please, the woman is a toddler!

You know you've done the right thing, you've set it out like an adult and you have to stick to your guns.

IFIWY I'd reply in a nice sunny tone, restating your commitments but saying again that you'd be happy to do stuff in the final two weeks. And she can take it or leave it.

And she expects you to rearrange your child starting kindergarten? And your family's lives around her.

She does sound rather immature to me.

She is completely crazy and self centered, I would be tempted to say you are busy in the second two weeks as well, as she is only going to be punishing you for not being available the whole time.