how do you decide if you'll stay 'forever' or return to UK?

[ErnestTheBavarian]

We left UK 8 years ago. I've lived in many places in UK and didn't particularly care for any of them. It was at my suggestion we leave UK, 1st to Switzerland, now in Germany.

Our current house is on a fixed lease - we have to leave in 2.5 years. Having a BIG TAL about future - ds1 also 9, so approaching secondary school age. I would like to be settled by this time.

So talking about if we stay here, or return to UK. If we stay here, dh also need to plan wrt job and actively work towrds this.

OK; We both love it here, the life style is great, in winter can go skiiing every Sunday, drive to France, Czech republic, Italy, Austria etc, Kids have freedom they just wouldn't have in UK, dh has 20 inute drive to work.

If we lived in UK, dh would almost certainly be working in London, looking at 1 hour + commute, loss of the great lifestyle... But training, education & work opportunities would be opened up to me.

There is always that feeling of being an outsider, of not fitting in, I don't know, it seems like such a huge decision.

Plus atm 2 eldest boys currently at private school, paid for (for only 2 years) by dh work. If we stayed, we would probably have to put them into German school, and we're constatntly hearing huge moans about this.

As we're quite new here, we haven't really got any friends here. DH sees now that social life is important. DOn't think we'd find it easier to make frinds in UK, DH disagrees?

It feels like such a HUGE decision. I don't know where to begin. Part of me feels like just saying OK lt's go back to UK, just so the q doesn't keep popping up. I've been away so long, 3 of my 4 children were born outside of UK, we hardly have any family & they're all over the place - Kent, Durham, Lodon & Dorset, so it's not like we've got a home town to return to.

How do you decide? Up till now we've always been quite pasive and responded to circs as they've arisen, not dh thinks we need to decide and actively work towards that. But I don't know how to make that decision.

Wow, what an interesting and thought provoking thread. I don't envy your decision, Ernest. I'm not sure I have anything helpful to add, but since I enjoyed reading about everyone elses' experiences, I didn't think I could leave without adding mine.

We have lived in Spain for almost 5 years - the first year in another city, so coming up to 4 years where we are now. I love it and could not imagine going back. In the UK, we both worked in the City in London and got to the point where we wanted to leave that behind, so even if we did move back to the UK, it would not be to our old life. A different job would mean living somewhere different and having a very different standard of living, which I can't really imagine.

Since coming to Spain, DH retrained as a teacher and now works in the local international school. In that sense, we are very lucky as we don't have the worries about DCs' edcuation. At the moment they are in the local state school, and will transfer to the international one when they go to secondary. In this way, we are hoping they will be grounded in their local culture before being schooled in English / with a different kind of classmate.

I agree with the poster who said home is where you are and are comfortable, not where you were born (pichounette I think?). I feel we are creating a warm and loving home environment for our DC. But it is true that they will always feel different from their peers (school friends here and cousins / children of our friends in the UK). I think children don't like feeling different, but agree that you can put a positive spin on this. I'm sure they will have a different perspective as adults. And being bilingual is an amazing gift they will have for life.

Also interested in the poster's comment about her DD gaining confidence from having overcome the initial hurdles of language etc. I have seen this in DD1. She has a tendency to be shy, but in being thrown into the deep end and finsing out she can swim, has had an amazing confidence boost which never would have been available to her had we not moved here.

Anyway, Ernest, like I said...not much help. I always assumed my gut would tell me where I wanted to be. But I guess that too can pull you in more than one direction. Good luck with your decision and thanks to all contributors for the interesting insights to your lives!

Hi Ernest, I think the dc perhaps being neither truly British nor truly German will be an issue for them. Germany at least (where I lived, dunno about some Kaff in MEcklenberg-Vorpommern) is much more Weltoffen (can't think of the English) than many other countries I can think of . You will have seen too that a lot of the dc are from German-foreigner partnerships or indeed both parents are foreign. I don't know the exact percentages but the ratio of dc in from what they tend to call "migrant backgrounds" is considerable. Thus the experience of your dc will be an experience made by many of their generation.

If I compare Germany to say the US where I think immigrants are expected to want to adopt the American culture, Germany is very liberal and accepting about foreigners not acting/becoming German. In fact perhaps I think they don't truly believe that you CAN become German, however much you might want to.

Not sure, anyway I don't think that is the issue. The issue is if you want to work, can you get a job you will enjoy in Munich? Will you be happy growing old there? Can you imagine it?

Important for me would be where would the dc go to school, would you be happy with the options you have? You have to seriously investigate your options. I would also look into tertiary education. Personally I wouldn't have planned on sending dd through the German university system so the whole thing made little sense for us.

Just an idea - you're a qualified teacher so have you considered teaching at the international or European school in Munich. I believe they offer substantial staff discounts so possibly keeping your dc at such a school would then be an affordable option for you?

eek! meant to say it would NOT be an issue for your dc .... sorry

Ernest,

Wanted to add my experience on the issue of your children's Britishness/'Germanness'.

I am German but have been in the UK for the past 16 years. After finishing my German schooling, I came to the UK for university and have been working/living here since then. My dh is American and we have 2 children (6 and 4) that are being raised bilingually.

Both dh and I are happy are here mainly for work (finance sector) and we are happy here. However, we neither feel English nor want to retire here. As we have no family ties here, we hope to retire in a place that offers, amongst other things, better weather, lower cost of living, better public health care compared to the UK

While our children were born in the UK and go to school here, they feel proud of being not only English but also German and American . We try to spend many as much time as possible in Germany/America so that they can expereince those cultures too. They also go to German Saturday School here where they have a Laternenfest next weekend, for example. We would also encourage our children to go to school/university in Germany/US later on.

What I am trying to say, I guess, is that if you are happy with the quality of life and your family is happy in Germany, you can still give your children a lot of Britishness of which they will be very proud. I went to Uni in England (without much English), so why shouldn't your kids?

In other words, try to get the best of 'both worlds' by living in Germany (which I feel offers a better overall quality of life) and still giving your kids a British/German upbringing.