Did anyone else have an Ex pat upbringing, moving alot&now feel like they don't quite fit in ANYWHERE?

[peasoup]

I moved countries every three years or so my whole childhood till age 18 when I came back to UK. Have moved about abit since then and lived abroad a bit, but can never quite shake the feeling that I don't quite belong anywhere. People I meet seem to have alot of shared history that bonds them, even if they didn't know each other growing up they shared the same type of school system, school experiences, culture, kids TV shows, childhood games and food as they all grew up in the U.K. whereas I can't quite relate to them as I had a bit of this and a bit of that but don't "come" from anywhere,so didn't have a solid background of one particular culture that can link me to one particular "tribe". Always feel a bit of a wierdo. I'm such a mix that there's noone with the same experiences as me that I can bond with. Do others with expat upbringings feel this way? I do feel closer to others who have had this same sort of itinerant childhood, but I don't really meet many grown ups who had an expat childhood. And we weren't in the military or the diplomatic service so don't have a common bond with those who had that upbringing though I'm sure we could relate to some of the same types of feelings. Any other Brits out there who spent much of their life being moved around? How has it affected you do you think? Has it made you want to move around lots with your own famlies or try and create a "hometown" for yourself?

Me and dh were both military kids - different militaries - he's a Brit, I'm not - and I am sure it is one of the things that bonds us.

Our parents both settled (in the same place) when we were about 16 and neither of us particularly felt like we belonged there - of course it doesn't help that every time we open our mouths, someone points out that we're foreign! ("Been here 15 years eh? Still got the accent!") That said, I've recently realised that the one place I really belonged was the university where I did my first couple of degrees - and met dh.

We've moved once as an adult couple, now getting ready to move back. Turns out that, for better or worse, we do belong there after all. It is definitely home now and we really want to put some roots down with ds. I am also secretly laying bets as to how long it takes before one or the other of us - probably me - gets itchy feet again...

Sorry just read OP again and realised, I'm probably not who you were calling out for

Hi peasoup,
well first of all i am not British. You say at some point 'any other brits out there...' but i dont think it makes big difference so am going to reply.
I ve moved around countries when i was young but this was because of war in my country. So my parents did not leave with own choice and therefore there was always a great sadness about it.
However i still think that it has benefit me. Seen your parents moving from country to country and starting new life and new jobs gives you a sense of 'nothing is too dificult in this life'. You know first hand how huge the human strength is. Then you develope a fearless attidute in life.
Also the experience of different cultures makes you to see that there are many different ways to do things (and this is particularily true regarding parenting).
But i do understand what you mean about childhood memories. Many times people were talking about fav tv programes or ads and i didn't know what they are talking about.

Oh my goodness, peasoup. I could have written most of what you did! I, too, moved around a lot as a child. Well, until ten years ago, actually. I attended lots of schools, lived in a fair number of countries, etc. We weren't military or diplomatic corps.

On good days, I feel truly like a citizen of the world, I love the fact that I moved around so much and have seen a lot of the world. On bad days, I'm quite sad that I definitely have no hometown. There is no where that truly feels like home, where lots of people know me.

Ten years ago I made a conscious decision to stop moving (yes I had continued to do so even after leaving my parents). I was sooo tired of not having a permanent base. I would like my children to feel like they do have a hometown. I really really like where we live now but I don't think it will ever feel like home ( we have no relatives here) for me. but hopefully it will for my DC.

Anyways, will stop rambling now. Just had to respond to your message!

Chisigirl,
'citizen of the world' thats how i feel too.

And a question to all of you: do you find that you refer a lot to the countries you lived before and you worry that you annoy people? Because right now i find that when i m with locals i keep saying 'Back in u.k ....' and i know that is very irritating for the locals but i cant help it lol

Dh does the back in the UK bit.. makes me chuckle. we are chalk and cheese, I had a military upbringing and because my dad was an officer we didnt move as a regiment but indepenedently so never kept the same friends. We moved every two years which in alot of ways i loves. At 15 we moved back to the uk where we had allways owned a house but i was allways well felt different to other people and we lived next to the largest army base in europe so probably no reason other tha cultural difernces etc. ( my mum is german and my dad is brirish too!) by 24 i had packed my bags and gone to australia, loved it and still feel at home within the cultural mixing pot! DH lived in the same house for all his childhood, never left the uk till he was 28! and luckily he has settled here in aus too. (not that his mother will ever be happy again and i am the evil cow bag from hell! but here we have both found our comprimise.

As a child, we didn't move around constantly but we did spend a very long period of time abroad, which kind of left me belonging to two countries iyswim. I now live abroad with DH and DS but after 2 years (and all sorts of 'challenges' to our stay here!) I recently concluded that perhaps I will never actually belong anywhere and that spending time in different countries until I feel unsettled again, would be the ideal. Not the ideal for DS though so it's unlikely that that will happen. And actually, not ideal for DH either, who can see himself growing old here and forgetting the UK.

I can relate to a lot of what Peasoup wrote - my family also travelled lots, although we did settle in the UK in my teens, so I do have some (ie 70s/80s) common culture with Brits my age. This fleeting moment of common culture hasn't really helped, though, as since I no longer live in the UK all semblance of "Britishness" has disappeared and I once again feel I'm on the outside looking in and have a sense of not quite "clicking" with fellow Brits.

My itinerant childhood I'm convinced has left me with itchy feet as I couldn't wait to move abroad as soon as I'd graduated. I now live in a different country, but in a way I feel I'm cheating as it's my mother's country of origin even though she didn't really live here herself. I'd love to move elsewhere again but my DP (who is local and has never lived more than 20km from where he was born) is not really the all-travelling, all-integrating-with-new-cultures, all-challenge-embracing type. Plus he's convinced that he's incapable of learning foreign languages, something I never had as was exposed to a myriad of different languages pretty much from birth.

I occasionally have felt envious of people who have friendships going back to nursery school and sometimes wonder whether it would be good for DD to have a stable childhood, but then on the other hand I'd love her to experience all the world's diversity as I did as I feel it has enriched me mentally.

Oops, left a bit off.

I was just saying that I'd love DD to experience what I had but would worry about leaving her feeling as "stateless" as I feel I am. I don't really mind it, have always been different etc., but it is quite a burden sometimes and some personalities might find it quite hard. Is there a happy medium though?

I also feel like this - military upbringing and German mother/British father. I think it's why I live in London because so many people here don't have roots here. I always feel 'foreign' outside London. Both my sisters have settled in Australia.

It also makes me want to move a fair bit - we lived in New York for a couple of years and I'm really getting itchy feet again.

Dh had somewhat of the kind of upbringing you describe, and feels he suffered for it. I grew up in one country until I was 18, then went to uni in the uk. Oddly, because I never did fit in the country I was brought up in, I feel as much of an outsider everywhere as he does.

In the 17 years we've been together since then, we've lived in 4 different places and worked in another 3. We both have massively itchy feet, but do want to provide ds with some semblance of stability. No idea how or where yet, but the issue does worry us.

You are a Third Culture Kid. See here

Am concious of this as we have moved around s I think DS feels a bit lost sometimes. We are doing 3 more years here and then moving back to the UK though.

Couldn't post last nite, the computer kept kicking me out, so I've lost the long response I wrote to all your replies last nite! Am supposed to be getting on with some work now so will try and rewrite my reply later today. Thank you so much for your responses! Buda- that article was fascinating- I can't believe my condition has a name! It says extensive research has been carried out into this phenomenon- can't wait to read it.
Must get on with some work as spent all yesterday mumsnetting when DH was minding DS thinking i was working upstairs ! Will reply later in more depth! Great to hear from all of you!

It's just occurred to me that my parents are similar. My Dad was also from an army family so grew up all over the world and then joined the army and lived all over the world. My Mum and her family lost their homes at the end of the 2nd world war and were refugees. My parents met in Paris!

Phdlife I didn't mean to exclude miliatry kids; just saying I wasn't one so didn't even fit into that particular "gang"
Tiramisu I know what you mean about the fearlessness and "nothing is too difficult" attitude. It is an advantage of that upbringing as I can land anywhere and start up feeling confident with a bunch of people I don't knwo and not be scared to go start a new job in a new country at all. I do also appreciate that i can see how many different ways there are of doing things, though TBH that is what sometimes makes me feel isolated from my peers here; when folks have strong opinions about how things SHOULD be done I just want to yell "NOOOO, don't you know there are SOOO many different ways of doing things" I do feel abit on the outside usually. It would feel more comfortable to be alot more blinkered TBH! Not saying brits are narrow minded at all; I just wish i felt the same as everyone around me; though actually sometimes I'm really glad that don't! [confused emoticon] I shopuld hook up with some more expats as recently it occured to me that my two best friends have also had this same upbringing though not even in the same countries as me, so it must be easier to feel close to those wiht similar backgrounds.
PHD i too felt that my uni town was the first time I had a hometown and I stayed on way past uni even though it was just a funny little town wioth no job prespects because it was the place I felt more at home in than anywhere i'd ever been. I guess it was the first place I chose myself rather than where my folks shifted me to.I still have totally itchy feet but am trying to stay still a while.

Yes and no.

I had an expat upbringing in part - the last 5 years of secondary school - and it certainly marked me hugely.

My daughter is now at an international school and I meet parents who were at the same school as me . I think that "internationalism" is a culture in itself and that you need to look for like minded souls to find belonging and people with a similar background and values to you.

Good morning fellow Third Culture Kids! I wonder how i'll find other "expat brought up adults" in London. It certainly is more relaxing to be around others who've had similar experiences. I just rememeberd that another of my very close friends had an army upbringing; that must have something to do with why I click with him.
I fancy a Third Culture Kid London meetup! The buffet can be very varied

bump

We moved constantly. I was always the new kid, and never once started any school at the beginning of term, let along the start of the school year.

Actually I loved it at the time, but I do feel I missed out on a sense of community and belonging.

We are about to embark on a similar lifestyle and my biggest worry is how it will affect the children.

Broccoli check out Buda's Third Culture link earlier in this thread; does it ring any bells? Do you feel you "belong" now whereever you are? Do you feel close to others around you or always a little bit "different"? Not sure whether we'll stay put with DS age 3, but deffo gonna try and send him to an international school, so he gets the perspective of oher nationalities. Maybe it'll avoid him feeling an oddball if we send him to an interational school but don't actually move around; not sure.
It depended on where we were moving as to whether I liked it as a child; some countries were more appealing than others.

Yes, we moved a lot in my early childhood and then I lived abroad in one place until my late teens before coming back to the UK. I identify myself as being british, but don't quite fit in here either. I gravitate towards people with similar mixed childhoods. My dh is british but also moved around his whole childhood. I think I love living in London so much as it gives me much more opportunity to meet like minded/background people.

I forgot to add that I went to an international school for my last three years of schooling when we moved back to the UK. I like the school system and would definately recommend it (if you have the money!)

Hi IlanaK. Sounds quite similar to my childhood, a few periods in UK and a few abroad in various places. How do you find these "likeminded/background people"? I don't bump into them generally even though I'm in London too.
It never really bothered me not fitting in, but I'm feeling it more so now as am stuck in one place pottering around with DS (age 3) so more in need of "clicking" with the locals so to speak.

I don't "find" them exactly. But where I live (very very central) everyone is from somewhere else and most people are international of some kind. When I chat to people in the park or whatever, I usually find someone who is interesting. Of course, I meet lots of people I don't connect with too.

I moved around with my family all over until I was 11. Although I then stayed in the same town til I left school at 17 and then stayed in the UK another 5 years I don't think that feeling of not quite fitting in ever really goes away.

For me, a lot of it has to do with other people's need to put you in a box. When asked where I am from I say Scotland because I lived there from 11-25 but people don't like that because I have a very english accent (but have never lived in england). It's like they can't process it (LOL) then come the 'but where are your folks from' questions etc etc.

I always felt a real affinity with Spain where I lived from 2-6 yrs old and when I left the UK I came here. It feels the most like home, I have a couple of childhood friends here and my parents even moved out after me! So I feel I have little baby roots kind of starting to grip the soil again . Yes I sometimes feel that I would like to be from somewhere but then I like all the memories and experiences I have and wouldn't change that for the world. I think I've finally realised that where I am from is nowhere and that feeling kind of comfortably foreign is what makes me feel most at home.

For ds I'd like something in the middle, I want him to experience living in the UK, I want him to have a real sense of where he is from and that means my side aswell as dh's (spanish), but I want him to have stability and continuity aswell.

I agree with Anna8888, where you are 'from' is a kind of international community who may not have your exact cultural references but they will certainly be able to understand how it feels when you don't have that

yes and no, I feel like a citizen of many places and carry many different habits from many places. When I go back to Malaysia for a visit, I'll think "I'll go take a hot shower now" and then it will be cold water or I'll be in the UK and take my shoes off before going in a house or the hairdresser, like I did in Bangkok. Certain things are ingrained on my brain and it's hard for me to belong sometimes.

and I ALWAYS do the "In...we do it like this."