Did you live overseas as a child, or a parent living overseas with their children ..

[cba]

If so could you give me your opinion on the following:

1. How easy did you / children settle?

1. was it a joint decision?

1. Did the kids / you go to private or local school was your experience?

1. If it was a hot country what was life like once the winter hit?

1. If you were a child what happened when you reached syay 18 or university age?

1. Do you think the county your in have enough to offer a child growing up into a young adult?

1. Do you / child always feel like an outsider?

Sorry for all the questions but I have being pressured severley by my husband to move. Not so simple when he keeps changing his mind where he wants to go and we have three young childre 7, 5 and 3.

He says I am a bad wife if I dont, but, I feel until he knows exactly what he wants then how can he expect me to forsee life in another county? sorry so long

Well we've only been in the States (NYC) for three months so very early days, but dh and dd are pretty settled, ds misses his friends very much (and we worry whether he will make new ones) and I miss working (but not England particularly).
It was a joint decision, but one that has come very hard, including two years of separation
The children go to a state school, which is excellent (but we did have to choose where we lived very carefully)
We have been surprised how hot it is here. I wish it wasn't. We are looking forward to the winter!
Who knows what the future holds
I'm sure there is plenty here for the children as they grow up
7 - too early to say. At the moment it is a nice novelty for the children to be told how nice their accents are all the time!

I think in your position I would be very doubtful. Moving (just the move itself) is very stressful, and then you need to give your children lots of support, and get lots of support yourself. If your dh might not be around that would be very hard I think. Perhaps you could be proactive though and think about where you would choose to go, and what you would need to be happy. Then you can feel some control/input.

I was born in Malaysia (parents are English) and lived there and in Iran for most of my childhood and early teens. Attended schools locally until I was 15 (army run boarding school in Singapore from 11), then back to the UK to boarding school then University. I loved it at the time, but can still remember the total shock of coming back to the cold and greyness of the UK. We lived in some very remote places, and I think my mother found it pretty tough at times, especially once we were at boarding school. They both found coming back to live in the UK on retirement unbelievably difficult, after 30-odd years away.
There are long-term impacts to consider - all my generation has itchy feet to some extent. I have lived in the UK since I graduated, but have a job which involves frequent overseas travel, and my two sisters now live in the US and Australia.
Having had, and very much appreciated, this background, I find I am completely paranoid about providing stability for my own son - while mourning all the wonderful experiences I had as a child which I cannot give him in the UK.
So I guess my answer is, it can be a wonderful opportunity for you all to live somewhere different, and to absorb a new culture and language. However, it can be incredibly disruptive of family structure and ties not just now but when your children are grown up. Of course, if you are actually emigrating that is so much of a consideration.

thank you for all your experiences. Brangelina, pil is greek dh was born here. The trouble is he always says he could not stand to be there all year when he is there.

Yet when he comes home he wants to be back.

I have had a chat with dh and he is happy to move further out of town, not that we live in a major city anyway it is a small market town. Then spend every possible holiday there including winter. I intend to go next Feb half term in the depths of winter to experience it for myself.

Dont worry about your children, kids adapt quick time. its the adults who take longer. I lived in five different countries growing up and I always loved being the new kid. Never had any problems, education wise I was at different stages in different countries but I was exposed to different cultures and I think gained knowledge that I would not have at just one place. it was also great for my social skills and the hot countries certainly made me great at sports. when I came to England I was the fastest runner at school.

I guess it whats important to you.

Education is important to me but not my top priority, to be a happy secure well rounded child is the main thing. we learn alot through experience and people we meet.

i think its a grear opportunity for you and your family.

plus for you i think its important we push ourselves out of our comfort zone throughout our lives, helps you grow as a person and find new interests that you never knew before.

Go for it - you only live once.

If it doesnt work out then come back!

1. How easy did you settle?

• Very well, wherever.

1. was it a joint decision?

• My dad's job

1. Did you go to private or local school was your experience?

• first to local school for a year, then at international school, then we moved when I was about 7, I got miserable wanting to 'go home' and see my friends, and so parents took decision that perhaps best I went to boarding school, where my social life and circle of friends would remain constant wherever they moved. Good decision.

1. If it was a hot country what was life like once the winter hit?

• yup, hot still. No issue.

1. If you were a child what happened when you reached say 18 or university age?

• uni in UK, no issue. Normal.

1. Do you think the country you're in have enough to offer a child growing up into a young adult?

• more than the UK, everywhere I went with my family. Now, as adult living in Holland. Definitely 100 times more. I don't want to bring my own children up in the UK, tbh.

1. Do always feel like an outsider?

• No, not really. Sometimes was fed up in the holidays when I went home and many of my friends all saw each other a lot, went to parties etc... but I never felt an outsider because there were lots of people in the same boat. A lot of people at boarding school are not living the 'normal existence'.

My Dad retired last year and still complains about the UK..... and how cold it is, and bla bla bla..... like neversaydie says, after 30 odd years, it can take quite some time to adapt 'back' I think!

lived and still live abroad as a child and now as a parent.
7 countries so far.
Such a rich experience. Feel like going back home would be the beginning of the end. Groundhog day sort of thing iykwim?

What Califrau said. It's all about your frame of mind.

I lived abroad as a child. In zambia, botswana and south Africa until the age of 4 and then back here till age 9 when we went back to south Africa.

Went to boarding school and initially found the adjustment very hard as it was an Afrikaans speaking school so given I didn't speak afrikaans and they didn't speak much english it was a huge adjustment. Within six months though I had learned the language and my Afrikaans is still better than my English even though I rarely get the opportunity to speak it now.

Winter is winter wherever you go. If you're used to it being 35 degrees in the summer when it drops to only 20 degrees in the winter you'll think it's cold .

Wen I left school at 18 my parents decided to come back to this country for a variety of reasons. At the time I had no job or money so came back with the intention of going back but that was 15 years ago and I'm still here.

Would move abroad again in a heartbeat, but I think living abroad isn't for everyone and it does not make you a bad wife if you don't want to do it.

I lived in Athens as a child (and Canada and Geneva) due to my dad's job. Went to Campion International school from 9-12 years old. I loved Greece even in the winter, great lifestyle, lots of friends. We lived in Kifisia. We moved every 3 years and that I did find hard as I had to keep moving friends behind but being "international" has benefitted me greatly I feel.

Winter in Athens was fine - certainly no worse than the UK. And as a country Greece had lots to offer me as a child.

I moved back to the UK when my parents divorced when I was 12 and did find it very hard to settle - probably for lots of reasons. But Uk children seemed very "young" to me, compared to my international school friends.

I would live abroad again in a heartbeat and think it would be great for my kids but DH's job is UK based.

Moving abroad is a huge decision and it must be much harder when there is a different language to contend with. We have moved to the US with our two dcs 8 and 5 and have had a great experience but it was very much a joint decision and we did a great deal of research beforehand. I think it can be a fab experience for the kids and our dcs are really happy. But Cali is right - if you are not happy, they will not settle. As your dh doesnt have any clear plans I would put it back to him for now and explain that you cant make such a big decision without alot more information.

ok Parents moved us to Spain when i was 12 Im now 29 and still here

1. How easy did you / children settle?

It was hard att first and I didnt waant to go, my sis was smaller and found it easier than me. But eventually we both settled well. It would help if you settle in an area where your childrens peers are as this enables them to meet up more with them. We lived away from the school bout 40 mins and moved so we could be nearer children our age and friends we had made in school

1. was it a joint decision? Yes my mum says it was you have to both be behind the idea i think to give the children the support

1. Did the kids / you go to private or local school was your experience?

my sis went too rivate english schoolbbut there wastoe fo my age so i wet to spanish school. I didnt speeak the language at all so ended up repeating the year It was better that it was me ho went to spanish sch so my mum says cause im themore cofident one, she doesnt think my sis would have adapted so well. You must think bout future though if they go to local school and private school, look at UNI routes afterwards cause i found it hard to continue with higher education studies

1. If it was a hot country what was life like once the winter hit?

NOt sure i understand?? but here not really any winter

1. If you were a child what happened when you reached syay 18 or university age?

This is where i mean be carefl, sis got GCSE and A levels and then went too UNI in UK she wanted to and didnt really remember what Uk was like she left at 8 yrs old

I on the other hand got spanish qualifications, but found the higher levels extremly hard my spanish was good but still not perfect, I didnt want to go back to UK and tried lots of rooutes here
. i eventually decided i wanted to be a teacher and go back to UK but i cant afford the fees. Be careful here If your children go back after the age of 18 they will not be entitled to any grants or loans. As i am now over 18 and have no local LEA and parents dont pay any tax in UK I now qualifay as an internattional student ie not British so do not get same grants etc.

1. Do you think the county your in have enough to offer a child growing up into a young adult? Yes i beleive i had a betterr upbringing heere then i would have done in the uk. But investigate all options before you go

1. Do you / child always feel like an outsider?

Nope not at all but we made sure we integrateed into local society through clubs, bands etc and in the village we lived in , my parents did too which is even better. If you want to fit in 1. learn the laanguage, 2. respect the country and its quirks, traditions and 3. Do NOT purely establish yourself within and around the expat community

Well the UK is "overseas" to me!

1. Moved here pre-kids. Only felt settled when the eldest started school and I got to know more people locally.

1. We both moved here independently and met here so I suppose yes.

1. State school

1. I wish!

1. N/A

1. Yes

1. A bit in the sense that I will never consider myself British but don't intend living anywhere else now....

1. How easy did you / children settle? ds was 3 and took at elast 6 motnhs to settle in. dd was born there

1. was it a joint decision? yes

1. Did the kids / you go to private or local school was your experience? Private inetrnational school and not that impressive for £££ fees, inconsistent curriculum and expectations, high pupil and staff turnover

1. If it was a hot country what was life like once the winter hit? Cold country , pretty bleak November to February

1. If you were a child what happened when you reached syay 18 or university age? n/a

1. Do you think the county your in have enough to offer a child growing up into a young adult? yes

1. Do you / child always feel like an outsider? yes, partly due to opting for english speaking education, not talking the language and being disenfranchised and unable to work.

We only ever envisaged it as temporary(went of roen year , stayed 4!) and the opportunity came when children were young enough to not be hugely disrupted

1. How easy did you / children settle? Takes time, first it feels like a holiday, then homesick, then jaw gritted get on with it, finally you call it home.

2. was it a joint decision? Yes

3. Did the kids / you go to private or local school was your experience? no intl schools and local schools start at age 7 so not relevant yet. This is a big issue for us because the UK system is not compatible with the foreign one, so what happens to our kids if and when we move back to the UK??

4. If it was a hot country what was life like once the winter hit? Boring frankly. Everything is based around the sea and the beach. A cool sun in Jan sounds lovely and it is, but once you've admired it, what exactly do you do in an outdoor destination which is full of tourists in the summer but closed up in the winter?

5. If you were a child what happened when you reached say 18 or university age? n/a

6. Do you think the county your in have enough to offer a child growing up into a young adult? No. Then again it doesn't have knife crime either...

7. Do you / child always feel like an outsider? Yes. In our case we realise we will never belong here and we'll always be defined as Brits living abroad

1. You need to consider what you are leaving behind too! When you live in the UK life seems to change slowly, but once you are away for a few years, the changes add up and there is a question about how easy it would be to adjust to living back in the UK again. I think if you tear up your roots they begin to slowly wither and die.

quinne, you probably have summed up how i imagine in it to be. Can i ask, are in a country in the med?

How long have you been there, how old are your children?

I was a forces brat and lived in Germany at a young age and later in Hong Kong.

1. How easy did you / children settle?

Settled very easily, enjoyed the novelty of living in another country

1. was it a joint decision?

No - Dad was posted there

1. Did the kids / you go to private or local school was your experience?

I was at boarding school in the UK and travelled out to HK for the three long holidays. My brothers were younger and went to the local (army run so British style) primary school

1. If it was a hot country what was life like once the winter hit?

Not much of a winter where we were. There was massive excitement one year when there was a touch of frost on top of the mountain our village was on.

1. If you were a child what happened when you reached syay 18 or university age?

We were back in the UK by then but had that not been the case I would imagine I would have carried on as per school.

1. Do you think the county your in have enough to offer a child growing up into a young adult?

Not really applicable as we were forces so there were UK style schools and plenty of other british children.

1. Do you / child always feel like an outsider?

Within the forces community no, outside of that yes.

Technically not the med (its croatia so the adriatic). We've been here 3 1/4 years - yes I still count the quarters! Our children are almost 6 and 4 1/2.

The people here pride themselves on their mediterranean lifestyles, so its probably v. similar to the coast in Spain, greece, italy etc. That means siestas (no playing outside between 2pm and 5pm) and late nights for the kids - 11pm in summer. It also means people live in extended families and this has been a real problem for us. Children are cared for by their grandparents and they just tag along with the grocery shopping etc. It means that mother and child playgroups don't exist (which made it that much harder for me to make new friends). It also meant finding a nanny was hard work as its basically unheard of.
As for day to day life bureaucracy is a major headache - there is a huge civil service and they think nothing of having you wait in a queue for an hour only to say sorry we haven't got round to stamping this document or that one yet, try again tomorrow! (you begin to miss the UK's internet everything and even the phone numbers where you press buttons and listen to muzac but eventually you get what you need!).
Really though the key to success or failure lies in learning the language and beign willing to accept it all for what it is. We'll never be Croatian, instead we are a British family living in Croatia.

The children are I think more rounded and I am more aware that i really treat people as individuals now. The transition was hard though because we've had to learn to grow up and rely on ourselves because if we don't do it then no one else will! (This includes home educating my son).

quinne, that is so difficult. Are you now fluent in the native tongue? How do stay sane and educate your son?

Would you like to return to the uk?

I barely speak a word of Croatian! Its not for the want of trying either, we've hired two teachers to help us at different times over the years. The last one was a good teacher but she was used to dealing with teenagers (she kept telling us to "settle down"!). Meantime when is she goign to stop telling us her long stories about how she went abroad once for a holiday. So we stopped the lessons and never learned - we were gettign no where anyway. the problem is that we have a company here and everyone speaks English at work. We tried my faltering Croatian but a. it made the locals laugh themselves silly and b. we started making expensive mistakes based on misunderstanding each other.

The home teaching has been hard though. that's why i joined mumsnet - for tips on where to look for help. Reading is good, and numbers are ok but I can't get over the importance of writing when the only things he sees is all the adults around him using PCs. Changed times I guess!

We probably do need to come home. but that's easier said than done as we've got a lot invested in Croatia and no home and no jobs in the UK anymore (plus it looks like a recession is on its way!)

CBA Which country are you moving to (potentially)?

quinne, potentially greece or cyprus. I can imagine your language teacher diversifying from the subject and telling you long story my pil does it all the time.

I can also understand how hard it is to keep the writing going with your son as boys generally do not love to write anyway and seeing everyone round him use computers all the time will be hard. You could encourage him to keep a diary each day or write letters to grandparents.

mathswhizz.com is an excellent website for maths and follows the national curriculum and allows incremental progression through the topics.

I know you say that you should come home, why do you feel you should come home?

Could you leave the business in the hands of an appointed manager and travel back for a week every two months or so?

kama, do you intend to return to the uk at around the age of 10 for your daugher? Are you norweigan or your parents?

I think we should come home so that my sons can be educated. DS1 is six this week and in England he would have been in school for two years by now. DS2 would have been entering the reception year this September had we stayed in the Uk.
Instead they have both been at home and will continue to be for the next year. Then DS1 will be 7 which is the time that Croatian schools accept children. However Croatian schools are quite different from British schools in 2008 - more like 1950's in teaching style. I notice the difference when i employ staff here - they have probably read most of the classics of literature - all the heavyweight stuff and they can quote facts and figures all day long, but thinking of solutions to problems or even just thinking ahead is something that I have to teach my staff. It is little things like they would send an email to a lawyer to ask them to do something but would not think to ask if the lawyer is able and willing to do it, or how much he would charge or how long he would take. So for all its faults I prefer the British method of education.
However even if I did prefer the outcome of the Croatian system, my sons would still be disadvanted because the lessons are given in Croatian (which will always be a 2nd language for them) and worse, there is only 3 hours of teaching a day with a further 3 hours of homework (much of which is new material rather than revision). The mother is expected to help with the homework but its in Croatian and I don't speak it! I've got a degree in maths but I bet I wouldn't even be able to help with the first terms maths homework if the instructions were in writing!
Unlike Britain, Croatia is a poor country (as is Greece and I suspect Cyprus!), so there is no way that the state could provide additional support for my sons to overcome these disadvantages. It would be the equivalent of an immigrant child starting school in a poor area of the UK, where Bangladeshi or similar is the only language spoken at home. I just want something better for my sons if I can possibly provide it.
We've been hoping for an international school but there are not enough families in the area to support such a school, mainly because they hit this hurdle and leave, if it didn't put them off coming here in the first place! There is an international school in Zagreb but its 3 1/2 hours away, so not really a viable school run!

oh qunne, that is really bad for you and your boys. At least in Athens and Cyprus there is a selection of international schools to choose from all following the english curriculum. The only thing with some of them in Cyprus is the school years run differently to they would have to repeat a year. I would not do this as when we came back, which we would, they would be a year behind and most probably that they would not get back in the school they are in now.

After reading everyones experience if dh really wants a move I might suggest something within the Uk, maybe somewhere like Harrogate. It is only about 1.5hr from me now and we already have a couple of friends there.

I dont think you probably need maths whizz with degree in maths! , for your son not you personally.

Could you not bring your company to the uk or is the product specific to the uk?

It is great that you stay so strong with such difficult circumstances.

The maths whizz tip was gratefully received - its exactly the sort of help I need to teach my DS.

I didn't mean to put you off moving abroad! Some people have a great time and would never go back to britain. (You'd be very surprised how grim Britain can look from a distance when you've only got sky news and internet newspapers to tell you about life there).
You are doing the right thing researching the realities of life abroad though because you need to know what you are getting yourself into before you commit.
If understand correctly you would be moving to where your husband comes from?
There are pros and cons:-

• at least one of you knows the culture which helps you learn it faster
• maybe one of you even speaks the language, a huge advantage
• there is a ready supply of social contact

In Croatia its really common (i mean REALLY common!) for wives to move into their parents in law's house when they get married. Sometimes they occupy the spare bedroom but the luckier ones get another floor built on the top of the house as a self contained flat . Then they stay there often for the rest of their lives and bring up their families there. Obviously in that sort of society there are an awful lot of unspeokn expectations about how close you'd be to your in-laws and how you would interact with them. If you were English married to a Croat and moving to his culture in Croatia, you might be well advised to find out exactly what that means!
CBA - if I understood correctly and your in-laws are in greece or cyprus i'd find out what would be expected of you in terms of lifestyle.