When the grass isn't greener...

[Flowerflump]

Hi,

I need some advice as to what you would do if you were me. Long story but here is the short version...

Me, my husband and my 2 primary school aged kids moved from the UK to an NZ beach town in September this year for the lifestyle. We were here for 2years temporarily in covid times whilst I was on maternity leave but returned to our home in the UK. I struggled being indoors with the kids and love being outside walking and running. 3.5 years later we made the decision to give it a go in NZ more permanently. Quit our decent jobs and sold our home (it was only a 2 bed anyway and we had outgrown it so it was a good time to move). Husband got a job in NZ prior to moving and we secured a long-term term rental for 12 months. This started in Sept 25. I spent a lot of money on a visa to get here and it was pretty much an 18month process. We packed up, sold our furniture- we only came here with a suitcase of clothes each feeling ready to start a new life. Saying goodbye to family was so hard as I am very very close to my family. The compromise was that every 2 to 3 years we would all try to meet up whether its Nz, the UK or half way.

Literally a couple of weeks after we arrived I have had such a strong feeling we have really messed up and made a huge mistake. Im seeing NZ completely differently this time. Its an absolutely beautiful place where we are, right by the sea etc but I can't help but feel that's all there is and I am trapped. Trapped because the cost of living is utterly ridiculous ( you pay an extortionate amount for rent, food, health, hairdressers etc) and there is such a lack of opportunities here job wise. Ive come from a job in the public sector with 10 years experience and a 1st class degree and I have applied for 40plus jobs in all areas and just faced rejection. I feel like i have to be grateful at the moment to get an interview for a part time supermarket job or cafe. Its completely shocked me and my husband too and just how much the cost of living here has gone up since 2022. One wage at the moment just about covers things but there is nothing left over. We don't have the money to do anything extra like treat the kids to an ice cream or even buying a Christmas tree this year is out of the question. We have some savings from our house sale but these are for the next house we buy and we don't want to be living beyond what my husband earns at the moment.meeting up with family or even going anywhere else other than this beach town is out of the question.

I know its only been a couple of months but I am struggling with doing nothing through the day whilst Husband is at work at the kids are at school other than searching for jobs. It doesn't help that in comparison there are loads of jobs going in my field back in the uk. Husband isnt overly impressed by his job. There is no other jobs my husband could do in Nz at the moment either, he was lucky to get the job he did because he knew someone. I can't even meet friends for a coffee as I don't have the money. We are making the most of free things like parks, beach and walks etc but its not enough for me.

I had really strong support networks back home and whilst my husband does have family here they are a lot older than my parents and just not as involved. I know my husband is enjoying spending time with his parents and enjoys it here. But he understands that its tough just off his wage. We were significantly better off in the UK in terms of feeling supported and financially. We just lived within our means but had money left over to enjoy life like a meal out every now and again, a holiday once a year etc. Here i feel I'm letting my kids down. My son asked for a glass of milk today and I had to say no as we have no money left to buy anymore.

I broke down this week and told me husband that I don't think there is enough here in NZ for me. Its too remote and lacks opportunities and is so expensive. Even if I secure work I don't know if its going to be enough to ever see more of the world or match our UK life. Ive always worked full time and just want the best life for my children and I'm worried that the longer I'm unemployed that there is a gap in my history/not gettinga pension etc.

Husband said let's give it a year or 2 but Im just not sure I can handle that or if then he doesnt want to leave. Im willingto be here for another 6.months and see if anything changes but I can't stand how I feel. My husband's family have never left NZ so don't really understand.

I guess its taken a move back here to realise that its not for me and the reality is very different from the dream we had. I have a feeling that we are going to have a harder life here and I don't know if a.job would change things. The transport system here is non existent so traveling elsewhere for work isn't an option and there just isn't anything remote wise.

Would you wait it out and hope things get better or go with your gut and return earlier?

That sounds really tough OP. I am sorry.
I’ve lived in a few countries and what has always held true has been that the 3 month mark has always been brutal. 6 months it’s easier and then after that, apart from waves of homesickness every few months everything is ok. This time we are on year 8 and I am generally at home and can’t imagine going back.
I think the key issues here are money and opportunity. And it’s hard to feel ok anywhere when you have no money and feel lacking in opportunities. While you are comparing life to back home, it will always seem bleak. I would mentally put a cap on it, say 1 year, that way it is not endless but you have more time for things to settle. 1 year is always doable. You are more capable than you realise and in terms of work 1 year out is not drastic for your career or your pension (you can buy back up to 5 years I believe). Frame it as an adventure (good or bad) and there will be learnings from it. Have you found friends?

The first year is incredibly tough. It is very different to being somewhere temporarily and as you’re finding, the honeymoon wears off quickly and the culture shock sets in.

You have to give it time. Your DH is right that a year or two is about right to see if it will work. I’ve moved countries a couple of times and it’s always terrible the first year, better the second, good the third.

Work as hard as you can to try to get work. Volunteer as well.

Moving around is a big project alone let alone with a husband. Choose wisely.

I Do think you need to give it longer. I moved to Australia 18 months ago and have faced some similar challenges and starting again can feel and is very difficult! I give it at least another 12 months - I really don’t think the UK is a great place at the moment and I think will get considerably worse and genuinely believe your kids are growing up in a better place and will have more opportunities in the long run.

Nz is not a great place to be at the moment so you’ve come at a tough time. There are no jobs and everything is expensive. Can you give me a clue which beach town you’re in?

I have ping ponged between both countries but even moving over to an incredible place (also a beach town) a few years ago, took me a year to settle and feel better. I was so homesick at first and had already lived in Nz for 5 years during a previous time period.

I am so glad I didn’t do anything drastic because my DCs live a dream life here. I’m not saying you’re wrong but it takes time even at the best of times. Happy for you to dm me!

I really appreciate all of your responses. Thank you.

I will see how it goes for the time. I just can't shake the feeling that here in NZ where we are is more of a place to come on holiday and the reality of living here is quite hard. The UK has its downsides for sure but we lived in the lake district before and it was pretty good. I guess over there we have the option of coming to NZ as a holiday destination every couple of years but here there is zero chance of being able to see the rest of the world as you can't save as everything is expensive. Even flights to the south island for 2 adults and 2 children are about £800 to £1000. Im just not sure the lifestyle here is enough to keep us here. Financially we need to fund the lifestyle. Im worried about the opportunities for my children down the line too. Its not great when you hear about lots of people are packing up and moving to OZ or businesses unable to pay their employees.

When you get a job, and I know that’s hard, it will get easier financially. And once you do, places that are really expensive from the UK become more affordable. I had a little look on Google Explore and there are cheaper flights. Jetstar comes up as low cost. And if I was in NZ, I’d be looking at driving around, not flying. Camping with the family. Just the North Island is full of things to do and places to go.

You have to adjust a bit when you move to a country like NZ. In the UK we’re so used to cheap package holidays, and dirt cheap flights. It’s not the same in a country like NZ. It’s all buying a paddle board or a tent and doing the same outdoor activities over again. Tramping, camping, that sort of thing. I know it’s hard, I missed just being able to pop to Paris for 50 quid when I moved countries. But you can and do adjust. You do have to stop comparing things that are great in the UK though. Find the great things there.

Hi, I'm in a similar position. I'm sorry to hear you're finding it so tough.

We moved from the UK to NZ in July. My husband secured a job before we moved, but unfortunately I haven't been able to find a job yet. I'm trying to view this time positively, as I've been able to settle our two primary aged children into school and life here. But, it is hard and I also struggle with what to do whilst they're at school, as I feel guilty not working.

Undoubtedly all of the current negative media about living in NZ doesn't help, so I'd really avoid reading that.

I'd definitely give it longer to allow things to settle. Focus on the positives here and try not to compare to the UK (easier said than done I know).

Its very hard to see past the $3 ive had in my bank account here for a few days now vs the $3000+ we had in our joint bank account in the UK left over each month after paying bills, mortgage, food etc.

Im not bothered about spending money on myself but I want the best life for my kids and think about the opportunities they could have because we would be financially better off in the UK. We could save $36,000 a year in UK v $0 in NZ.

I'd go back tomorrow if DH agreed

Re jobs, have you tried signing up with a temp agency?

OP - please don't think I'm being unkind but could this be a case of "wherever I go, there I am ..."

So the problem isn't living in the UK or NZ, it's you. Bear with me! You left what sounds like a lovely life in the UK - living in Lake District, secure employment, financial stability and a close and supportive family because "I struggled being indoors with the kids and love being outside walking and running."

Now I love the Lakes and know it's rains a lot but it's still a place to have a great outdoor lifestyle, you just have to accept that sometimes you'll be stuck indoors for a while. But you had a job and family to even things out.

I have no desire to live in NZ but I do know that the cost of living is incredibly high. It sounds like you didn't do your research on that or where you're living - you just want to GET OUT AND GO!

And what happens if you return to dear grey, rainy England? I love living here so I'm not disparaging it but you'll still be you and might start pining for NZ.

Like I said, I wasn't being unkind - I just realised some time ago that I was the problem, not the place. I think you should commit to a few more months in NZ and work on yourself. Get outside, walking and running. Read, do yoga, cook nutritious meals. Learn to be at peace with yourself.

Then you and your DH can decide where you want to live and, remain or return, you'll make a go of it because you'll be happy in yourself.

Sorry if that sounds like pop psychology but give it a go.

Best of luck.

the 3-6 month mark after relocating is tough, the realisation sets in that this is it, you can’t live like you are on holiday, but you haven’t made friends nor found work. Carry on job hunting as this will make a huge difference both financially and making friends hopefully.

Have you thought of volunteering? Whilst it might not bring in any $$ it may offer working opportunities just by getting to know other volunteers plus looks good on cv.

That is tough

I'd try and reframe it as an experiment (sometimes they work, sometimes they don't) rather than a mistake.

I'd put a cap on it - review after one year with a plan to be back in the UK 6 months after that if it hasn't worked out.

NZ is stunning and outdoorsy, but there's no getting over there aren't the job opportunities, or layers of culture, or diversity, or general stuff going on that there is in the UK.

In the meantime I think PP above is right re volunteering - being stuck in the house wouldn't do you any good anywhere.