Family won’t visit us abroad

sahra1234 · 2025-11-03T19:45:43+00:00

I’ve been abroad outside the uk in various countries for going on 20 years. My father flat out refuses to get on a plane so he has never visited me and shows absolutely zero interest in my life abroad. He missed my wedding. My mum visits each country once for which I am very very grateful as they are not traditional ‘holiday hotspots’. I am about to have my second child and just know that I have to go back to the UK to do it or he will never see the children. He has always been healthy for his age but won’t even discuss it. He would rather never see me or the grandchildren ever again than even talk about addressing his phobia. I have horrible ill pregnancies but coming out to help or keep me company is a laughable option for my parents. I am exhausted from years of flying back and forward and with two kids on the horizon…coming back home to visit is going to get harder. It’s hard not to feel angry with him, even though I also detest flying and know how horrible flying phobia is. How do others keep doing the visits and overcome these feelings? (I know I chose to leave so it is really my fault and obligation to visit/move home) Husband’s family is from a poor country and are more elderly with health issues so again, more travelling for us constantly to see them. It is probably pregnancy messing with my mind again, but I am just exhausted from this expat life of having zero back up from family. (Door to door journey to get home is 24 hours by two planes and I usually have to do it alone without husband due to visa/time off issues)

Maddy70 · 03/11/2025 19:55

It's entirely up to them. It took my parents a long time to relent and visit me too. I'm fact it was only when I became seriously ill they did y siblings have never visited. That's the gamble you take when you move abroad. I'm ok with that but if they wanted a stronger relationship with you and your children they would enable it

Sillysoggyspaniel · 03/11/2025 20:22

My family never came out to visit me either when I lived abroad (although I was only abroad for three years).

NConthe · 03/11/2025 20:24

You can’t emigrate and then complain that your fear of flying phobia dad won’t get on the plane! You must’ve been aware already and it’s a choice you made.

SirChenjins · 03/11/2025 20:30

I can understand your disappointment, but a move abroad does mean that you make it difficult and expensive for your family to visit you. If your dad has a fear of flying then it's a lot to ask of him. Our DS and his gf lives in Australia and while we are delighted he's having a great experience, the impact on both families here as a result of their choices shouldn't be underestimated.

NellieElephantine · 03/11/2025 20:34

How far are you and how much are flights? Can they stay with you? What made you move? Your job or are you a trailing spouse?

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 03/11/2025 20:38

I am just exhausted from this expat life of having zero back up from family.
Surely that is the known impact of moving abroad. It isnt your dad’s fault. Of course you suck up the cost and inconvenience of flying.

Candlesandmatches · 03/11/2025 20:42

Hello, 👋 fellow living abroad person here. Have been here 15 years.
I would gently suggest this might not be about you and where you are but rather your Dad and where his interests arrives.
To put this on context when we were in the Uk with young children our PILs would rarely come and see us - it was 1 hour 15 mins around the M25. They didn’t like the M25. When we one we would regularly go ?
visit - it was the expectation. When pregnant with DS2 I said I wouldn’t be doing this anymore. DH could go if he wanted but I wouldn’t. They still rarely came to see us.
Since we have been abroad it’s been similar.
Ive come to realise this is their choice to make. It’s upsetting. But there are also upsides. We had the privilege to bring your children up alone and the strength to do so. We are close as a family with our DC. They still love to come home as late teens/early 20s.
When they were younger I would go back to the Uk for 2 weeks in the summer holidays with DC and see PIL. But for a day or two. Not the whole 2 weeks.
It’s ok to mourn the relationship you hoped you would have and that the DC would have with their GP.
But also Crack on. Make your own life. He’s making this choice and unfortunately he is the one losing out - even if he doesn’t realise it.
My FIL has bad OCD. It’s never discussed or challenged. Has got worse as he has got older and dictates his life. He won’t visit this Christmas because I mentioned that we may go out for Christmas lunch. Instead it’s claimed that they can’t find convenient flights (which in a airport with about 6 flights a day from Heathrow is a patent untruth. Truly therapy can help with this kind of situation. When a parents chooses their phobia over love for their child.
Im sorry. It is hard.

Original poster

sahra1234 · 03/11/2025 20:52

Candlesandmatches · 03/11/2025 20:42

Hello, 👋 fellow living abroad person here. Have been here 15 years.
I would gently suggest this might not be about you and where you are but rather your Dad and where his interests arrives.
To put this on context when we were in the Uk with young children our PILs would rarely come and see us - it was 1 hour 15 mins around the M25. They didn’t like the M25. When we one we would regularly go ?
visit - it was the expectation. When pregnant with DS2 I said I wouldn’t be doing this anymore. DH could go if he wanted but I wouldn’t. They still rarely came to see us.
Since we have been abroad it’s been similar.
Ive come to realise this is their choice to make. It’s upsetting. But there are also upsides. We had the privilege to bring your children up alone and the strength to do so. We are close as a family with our DC. They still love to come home as late teens/early 20s.
When they were younger I would go back to the Uk for 2 weeks in the summer holidays with DC and see PIL. But for a day or two. Not the whole 2 weeks.
It’s ok to mourn the relationship you hoped you would have and that the DC would have with their GP.
But also Crack on. Make your own life. He’s making this choice and unfortunately he is the one losing out - even if he doesn’t realise it.
My FIL has bad OCD. It’s never discussed or challenged. Has got worse as he has got older and dictates his life. He won’t visit this Christmas because I mentioned that we may go out for Christmas lunch. Instead it’s claimed that they can’t find convenient flights (which in a airport with about 6 flights a day from Heathrow is a patent untruth. Truly therapy can help with this kind of situation. When a parents chooses their phobia over love for their child.
Im sorry. It is hard.

Thanks. I think you understand. It is just now I have children, the idea I would not try therapy, medication or even talking about it to even try to see them blows my mind. But I am from a different generation.

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