New area no friends

[feelingmywayinthedark]

Hello everyone

we moved to a new country 4 years ago. I have 2 kids and work full time remotely. I work late and don’t go out in the week as I’m either with kids or working from home. My husband has lots of friends in the new area and while I like their wives I can’t say I feel like it’s going anywhere. We meet up occasionally all together but mainly only with the husbands. The wives are nice but not that interesting and a lot of the time we talk about plans that never materialize. I find it all a bit depressing. Like we just tease ourselves or plicate ourselves by pretending that we’re going to do something really exciting but it never happens. Almost as soon as I arrived in our new home, I recognizing these women probably weren’t going to be the best of friends for me so I made a huge effort with parents at my kids school And I felt like I was constantly arranging to go for coffee or a walk or drinks on the weekend and giving everyone a chance, meeting them at least three or four times before I Felt to be honest that it was worse spending time with them than it would be just to spend time on my own. I have a really close and strong group of friends that I’ve known for most of my adult life and some from my childhood, and I wish that I could build close friendships here I promise I am trying, but I’m really struggling to know how to build a real friendship as an adult? I’m absolutely open to different characters people from different backgrounds. People who do different things or have different interests, but even when I meet someone that I think could potentially be that great friend, I find it difficult to go Past the initial friendship stage and have a really deeper level friendship. How do you make friends as an adult!? Any advice? Thank you.

Where are you?

Do you have a hobby or sport you can pick back up and try and make friends that way?

On my experience deep friendships take time and arise from a cumulation of shared experiences that can't be rushed. Are you intending to stay there indefinitely? Are all these people you are meeting there long term?

I’m in abu dhabi. I do have a sport I took up tennis, but everyone in the group closest to me -only one I could get to regularly enough because of work and kids- is with women very different, for example grown up kids, ten-fifteen years older and honestly just not very interested in making friends which I understand. They’ve been there done that and lived here for many years

I think we will be here for three years more at least. The people are all expats like me

Sounds miserable. Sorry you’re having a shitty time.

is there a way to socialise with the other wags one on one I rather than a big group. I find big groups too impersonal. But I might say- hey I’ve got to pick up a couple of things at the mall- wnat to meet for a browse and a coffee? Keep it light and up to about 90 mins of socialising. Then make your excuses and leave- this has been great, got to dash to make the school run/meet the gardener/pick up my parcel etc. So you exit and leave them wanting more.

I’ve lived overseas as a trailing spouse and I just couldn’t make friends with other so-called ex pats but I did mane friends with people who just lived there. It’s hard work though, but not doing it is worse. I made a lot of casual arrangements with a lot of people to see if I liked them. Like dating.

” Going to pay a parking ticket, ohhhh I will come along if you don’t mind, I’m bound to get one’. Then if you don’t get on it’s easy to slide off.

Do you have a domestic helper for childcare? Give yourself one morning or evening off a week to do something for you - painting class, photography, sea paddle boarding or swimming, kayaking, Pilates, beach runs etc, there are so many options! Keep at it until you find nice friends

Hi
I felt a bit like this for a long time but more recently (last 2 years) I have been at peace with the fact that I actually enjoy my own company to that of those with whom I have no connection.
I stopped pissing myself off putting myself out there to do things with or for others (volunteering was a bitch-fest and certainly not charitable at all) and now prefer to do my own thing, plan things with friends when I go back to visit and enjoy my time with my husband.

These are all really great suggestions and thank you.
I agree it’s worse doing things with people that you don’t have and can’t find connection with- it makes me feel lonelier! I do have childcare so I could do things here and there. And I love the idea of a finite time like the mall trip for a coffee and a browse- I just find when it comes to it I’m really awkward or nervous and worried about silences, the sorts of things that I would never have done before and now I’m in a rut of second guessing myself! I even find eye contact awkward when I feel uncomfortable !

Problem is that 90% of the population of the UAE are economic migrants ( whatever term you choose to use for them) and the emirati population tends to keep itself to itself so there isn’t a local population to befriend in the same way that there is if you moved to, say, the US or Spain.

I think the OPs main problem here is the intense, remote job because she’s not able to be part of the “trailing spouse” community who will hang out in the day but is also not meeting people through in-person work. Therefore she’s having to meet people in quite limited circumstances ( almost friend dating) which puts pressure on her to make immediate connections rather than letting these things evolve naturally in an environment where they are seeing each other incidentally.

OP, Is there an opportunity to switch jobs and do an in-person role?

I think this comment is very perceptive - work (or not-work) is the place most people meet and form bonds, and by remote working you are unfortunately limiting those ‘low pressure’ situations where you can suss people out.

I have experience of trying to make friends in Abu Dhabi, and it was difficult to start with due to covid. However, there are so many new people moving there now and so many people actively looking out to make friendships! Have you joined the many Abu Dhabi Facebook groups or the WhatsApp group for your local area? If you want, PM me with where you live and perhaps I can point you in the direction of some of them.

In terms of it feeling hard to make deeper connections unfortunately I think only 2 things create them - either time, or an intense shared experience (school, work etc). I would say it took over two years before I had ‘deeper’ friendships but now I’m very happy. Not because I only met them after two years, but because it took time to grow into friendships and relationships. I had people I met up with (either for coffee, or exercise, or play dates, or a walk) and it gradually evolved.

My advice would be to treat this a bit more lightly in your head, aim to have a good time at that coffee rather than ‘make a friend’. Try that class, running meet or book club, and things will look very different in six months.