Have your kids adjusted to living overseas?

[eroberts77]

Hi all, we are currently living overseas (in Asia) but our kids have done a lot of international moves. We are originally Australian but they have lived in the UK, in various locations in Australia and now in Asia. We have moved for work reasons (largely with my company). They are now 12 and almost 15 and I don't think I could move them again. This move was particularly difficult for my daughter who was 11 when we moved. She has taken 7 months to settle into school and find her friendship group. She now has a tight knit group of friends at school plus also there is a group of girls in our housing complex and they are all friends, running into each others' houses all the time. She seems very happy but she still says 'when we go home at the end of the year', when there isn't any plan for us to go home. She initially struggled with the school here as it's in the British system which is harder than the Australian system, it's much larger and it's co-ed. But again, she seems to be much happier. My son just now wants to stay put and complete his IGSCEs, then do his IB. He wants stability to focus on his academics. I worry that I have damaged their childhood with the multiple moves and I worry my daughter will want to return home and my son will want to stay here. Life here is great - lower tax, we have live-in help, it's clean, organised, no crime. I think the kids have a brilliant life here.

I just wanted to see if others have felt pulled in different directions and whether their kids ultimately settled in a location or is there always the pull home?

Thanks!

I think you're asking a different question -- this isn't just one move. You've moved your children many times, to the point where they are continually semi-consciously expecting another one, even when one isn't scheduled. Yes, I think this is damaging, even if the moves were inevitable.

DS (now 13) has had two international moves in his life, and while he adjusted, it wasn't quick or straightforward, particularly the one that happened during Covid, and he would have preferred not to. I think it's insane to think any child (or adult) would have settled in a school in a new country after a mere seven months -- the fact that she's still talking about going 'home' (which is where for her?) at the end of the year suggests she hasn't fully settled.

I think all you can do now is to reassure them that you will all stay put for the rest of their schooldays (we are doing the same), and try to encourage them to think beyond the end of the year. You can't ensure they're going to stay in the same country as adults, and shouldn't try..

Thanks for your perspective. Don't get me wrong - I am not expecting her to settle after 7 months - I just wanted to hear other people's experiences and how they have tackled international moves. I am very happy to stay here until they finish their schooling, if that is what they want. However, I think she will want to return home, which is our last home in Australia. They still see themselves as Australian and have family and friends there. Whereas my son is more focused on his academics and wants to buckle down and stay put to finish his schooling. It's just hard being an expat. It's very common in my company - many of my colleagues have moved multiple times, internationally and interstate. But everyone recognises when the kids get to a certain age, you often choose to stay put.

@eroberts77 We moved when two were older ages and one younger. The older two are back in home country one at boarding school and one at Uni. Entirely their choice. One wants to come back to where we live to gain citizenship although. Not necessarily live here and the other at the moment does not want to gain citizenship. My husbands work is here for now and the younger child settled for now (although they talk about wanting to move on at some point) so we are split across continents for now,

The eldest is likely to work overseas somewhere - he is a nomadic soul - that’s his wish anyway and says at the moment he isn’t looking to live in our home country nor where we are now.

Middle one is staying in home country for now. And I guess time will tell where he ends up.

We are not sure where we will be yet long term for work, But we might be scattered going forward as we can’t plan where we will end up as adult kids will make their own choices best for them.

iIt is difficult but also part of having lived overseas and having experienced different cultures and countries. It’s so personality driven. You could have never moved from Australia and they left to work overseas.

Just enjoy the time now although I feel the separation from my older two acutely at the moment (separation quite fresh). But by knowing they are carving their own futures and making their own decisions that is best for them is the goal. Wherever you all end up.

We’re Australian too and spent a year in the U.K. when my kids were 10 and 12 and they never settled and were very keen to come home. We came home two years ago. It’s funny you say the British system is harder - mine both found the school much easier than Australia, my eldest especially but I think it was more to do with the teaching style which suited him (Australia at the time was doing the insane student led teaching).

You have a tricky choice - we were lucky because we only went to one place and honestly none of us liked it, so we were all on the same page about returning. I guess you just have to make the decision for them. You haven’t ruined their life, I’m sure they’re resilient. I know my eldest boy who hated it most said that with hindsight it was great for him as he now knows he can face a really hard time and has the skills to get through it.

But, realistically, no one is going to have settled after a year.

They might not be settled, but they might at least like it a bit.
A year is a long time in a kid’s life.

It is, but no one, adult or child, will have settled in a new place by the end of a single year. I imagine that the unhappiness of the adults in the family didn't help the children feel this was somewhere worth investing in, either. Fine, obviously, if you had all decided this was a mistake.

Well you have an idea whether you’re going to like it or not. Basically our life in Aus is significantly better than the British option and it was pretty clear from quite early on that this was the case.

Anyway, we’ve been back a couple of years, we’re all happier and the kids had some great experiences and enjoyed bits of it, and actually my older son has said he’ll work overseas. He liked the U.K. and Europe, it was just the school he disliked. Always an issue when you come in half way through year 8.

I did many international moves as a child. Age 10 and 11 was always a tricky move, regardless of where we went. It must be something about that age and development. She'll settle eventually. And I wouldn't move your eldest. Hes right to stay and work through 1 system for final school exams.
For my DC I've actively planned to not move them ages 12 to 18, it just makes everything easier.

I’ve moved my kids twice but settled “back home” by secondary school. I am also the product of lots of international moves and eventually boarding school.

I think that teens find it harder than primary school aged kids hence our decision to settle in the Uk before secondary school (boarding schools were out of our price range) I think it would be fairest to guarantee your kids some stability at their educational age. Where that should be is a different question / it sounds like your Ds thinks of Australia as home.

I think you’ve given them a great life showing them the world and I wish I could move back to Asia to get live in help! Enjoy it! But don’t move again until they’re 18 at least if you can avoid it

When I was a child we moved every 2 to 3 years. Yes it was a great 'life' experience but it was utterly crap having to make friends only to have to leave them again. At the age of 10 I was given the option to keep moving or go to boarding school for my secondary education and I chose boarding school! (I went to 7 primary schools.)

Thank you for sharing this — I can completely relate to what you’re feeling. Moving abroad can be such an incredible opportunity, but it’s also emotionally complex, especially when kids are involved. It’s natural to worry about how the changes affect them, but from what you’ve described, it sounds like both your daughter and son are showing a lot of resilience. Your daughter’s ability to eventually find her group of friends is a huge positive, and your son’s focus on stability and academics makes perfect sense at his age.
From talking with other expat families, I’ve seen a common theme: kids often take longer to adjust, but in the long run they gain skills that are hard to teach otherwise — adaptability, empathy, and a global perspective. Even if they sometimes express the desire to ‘go home,’ it doesn’t mean they aren’t happy where they are now; it’s just their way of keeping a sense of identity while everything around them changes.
If it helps, you’re definitely not alone in these worries. Many parents in expat communities share the same concerns, and some have even written about it to support others. A community I’m part of, Life Abroad Hero (www.lifeabroadhero.com), has been collecting real experiences from expats and families going through similar situations. Reading other stories (or even sharing your own) can be really reassuring.
You’re doing your best to balance stability, opportunity, and family happiness — and that in itself shows how much you’re giving your kids. From my perspective, that’s something to be proud of, not something to feel guilty about.

My first had done 4 different countries by the time he was 16. He is now in his last year of university in Australia and doesn't feel damaged by any of the moves.
We have always gone back home at least once a year, often twice except the COVID years of course. He plans to study his Master degree in Europe. In many of these countries, I didn't put them in international schools even if DH's work pays for it. They went local school schools and blended with local kids, not just the expat community even if we had ties because of work events or colleagues. They learnt language and habits. And funnily enough, the children speak the local language when talking to each other. Then will switch to a new language after a couple of years in new country.
It is hard to change countries often because you are always the new kid and have to adapt to new languages and curriculum, but their life is so much richer than their friends' back home.
The only risk is that one might want to stay in one of these countries. DD doesn't want to study in Europe like DS1 and DS2, and this means, I am stuck between two continents.

Home for them is Europe, not a specific country in Europe, maybe because we spend time visiting both families at two opposite sides of Europe, Monaco for me, Sweden for DH. And then sometimes, visiting friends from one country who have moved to another country as a new posting.

The bond all the siblings have is immense and I love it. They had to rely on each other so much though the moves and struggles, because there were struggles. Friendships is what makes a move successful and a lot of my time in every move, was taken into helping them building friendships.

You haven't done any damage. They have experienced the world, even with the pink glasses of expat life. Spend time on any MN education board and there are plenty of kids devoured by anxiety who have never left their street. Maybe you are startling to feel the pull to be in one place.

The question is where in the future. Where will they settle? Is it the same place you will want to settle.

they still see themselves as Australian

Well of course they will, because that's where they are from and have lived. Children do not see the advantages of tax free life and live in help, or a "global experience". They want stability and a close network. You haven't messed them up of course, but do not be shocked if they want something different from what you see as a fantastic opportunity.

After a nomadic childhood I still don't feel settled or integrated 30 years after I was old enough to not move. My friendship group is transient based on where I am. I find it really difficult to have anything other than superficial relationships... I can't get past the feeling that it will not last so why put the effort in. The people I meet with similar childhood moves report feeling the same.

I would love to go "home" to experience that sense of belonging but I have no idea where that is. It used to be where my family and work is but one parent is dead, my kids are leaving home & I am retiring so I am adrift again.

Don't underestimate how difficult it is for your kids. I looked like I was settling but it was social masking so I didn't stick out any more than I already did.