Moving back to U.K.

[flippetty]

How on earth do people decide whether to stay abroad indefinitely or move back to the U.K.? It feels like either way we will regret things.

We moved abroad supposedly for 2 years but that was 8 years ago. It wasn't meant to be a permanent move and I always assumed we'd be back for secondary education of our children. But now that time is nearly here and because we ended up staying longer our lives are intertwined here. We're in Europe and there are many benefits to where we are over the U.K., but equally I can't imagine never going back to live in the place I feel is home. There are pros and cons for the kids and work is flexible.

It feels like a huge decision whichever we do - if we move back and life is harder, we won't be able to reverse the decision. If we don't, it feels like I've spent my adult life in a way I never asked for or necessarily wanted.

How does one decide when there isn't a strong external force? The main pulls to U.K. are family, perhaps secondary schooling, and the fact that it is home. The main pulls here are quality of life, not uprooting everyone. Help.

I moved back to the uk after 15 years in a European country in time for my kids to start primary school in the uk.

I had mixed feelings about it at the time, and still have mixed feelings now.

It’s been good for me professionally to be working in my first language again, and I’ve found a niche for myself that has a much better work-life balance and better money than my previous role. But I’ve found it a big adjustment to uk working culture.

It’s been invaluable for the kids schooling. My youngest has additional needs and I think that with two languages/me being foreign/differences I’m schooling and culture we would have really struggled to get any support for him in place. It isn’t perfect in the uk but better than it would have been.

I was suprised that I found uk culture quite foreign when I first moved back, despite having grown up here and visiting regularly. Even now 4 years on I find some aspects like class expectations; focus on money; ways people socialise, processed food etc challenging.

It’s probably more area than country but I also feel that my life in the uk is duller / more routine than when I lived abroad. Friends here are just friends whereas in the expat community where I lived they felt more like family and I would have turned to them for support more.

On the plus side it’s been nice to be closer to my sister and to have more in common, to reconnect with lots of friends who I had missed seeing, to be able to support my parents a bit more. I’m loving having theatre and cinema in English and being able to get a curry.

Come and visit for a couple of weeks. That will put you off moving back.

😂 we will be at Christmas! I know the uk has lots of problems. That's why I am nervous.

However, I miss being able to communicate properly/fluently and the secondary school options here are not great... my work would be slightly easier in the U.K. but I agree, I will definitely miss my expat friends, we do treat each other more like family you're right. I worry about making friends/a support network back in the uk (we have close friends but they're spread about). My life actually somehow feels smaller in Europe - im just in my small town almost all the time unless I'm travelling to the U.K. In the uk I tend to do more, visit friends, go to London, attend work things etc. But the culture here is nicer, more innocent for the kids. I just don't know what to do.

I’d say if on the fence stay where you are but the quality of secondary schools is a big deal for me, and you say the options where you are ‘aren’t great’ . Similar in many places in the UK but presumably if moving to UK you’d rent somewhere very near a popular comprehensive school before the main entry point and applications deadline!

We are a bit different in that we never had explicit intentions to move back to the UK; we just knew we could, if that was what we wanted to do. The thing that really did it for us was having children with special needs. It isn't that the NHS wouldn't take care of them, but moving between health and school systems is very difficult and we suddenly found ourselves at a point where we realised the ship had sailed and going back would be hugely disruptive as we would have to start over with all that. I know someone who suddenly decided to move back this summer because she decided Trump was definitely going to get elected, and her oldest was going into (UK) Yr12. Good luck to her but I think she took a really massive chance; eldest was in the American school system and went right into an English sixth form.

Granted, mine involved a bit of special circumstances! I do think there comes a make or break point where if you want to do it it's got to happen now and not risk that sort of emergency last minute move.

I never thought i would say this, but I'd move out of the UK in a heartbeat if I were able to. It has been shit for a long while, but economy is on its knees due to Brexshit, the Trussterfuck and other factors. Brexshit has made the UK a far less welcoming place, and I am stunned at someone the opinions of friends. The health service is in tatters, policing is in tatters, you have to book in to see a GP three weeks in advance, and you can forget an NHS dentist.

Most local authorities are broke, so public services are rubbish. Ours has taken away all the bottle banks as the public were misusing them, so now we have a collection every two weeks and that's it.

Everything is creaking. The new government have a mountain to climb although most problems will require multi year strategies, and governments of any party only focus on their term. The health service will take longer to fix.

At least we still have a moderate climate. Oh, hang on a moment......

I would only come back if you can afford a lot of services (private health, dentist etc).

I'd put heavy weighting on the fact that if you stay where you are while the kids are at high school, they will consider that their home country. Whilst of course they may live anywhere in the world as adults, they are most likely to settle in their home country. If you want to be near them, you'll never ever be able to return to the UK.

I moved back last December. PM me if you want any advice. Good decision for me

Thank you for all your replies so far. I appreciate your perspectives. Yes we anticipate needing to be able to afford private healthcare. I suppose I worry about making my kids’ lives worse because I personally would prefer to come back. It will be a hard transition for them even if the education is better in the U.K. and I would hate them to resent me long term.

Unless you go private, would you be living in the uk in the catchment area for a good senior school - they are hard to find.

Yes this is a consideration. Our old area is grammar which has its pluses and minuses. Not sure if the kids would manage so maybe private. The private schools where we will currently are far out of reach financially but in the uk we might be able to do it for secondary. We may also move to a different area so would have to investigate state secondaries

Have dmed you - hoping for a positive story!

We came back in 2019, and so glad we did. Yes, life isn't perfect, but as a low-middle income professional we can afford a 3 bed semi in an area with decent (comp) secondaries, including SEN support for DD. Yes, budgets are under pressure, but the streets are clean and safe, we have local services such as libraries and a leisure centre. NHS also does what is needed.

I have found plenty of local friends by getting a dog and walking in the local.park, doing voluntary work etc

Loved my time overseas but in the end it wasn't home.

Love being back.in the UK.

On the whole there are positives and negatives anywhere. The UK still has a decent safety net, and that is a relief compared to needing e.g. earn enough for medical insurance etc

We moved back to the uk after a decade. This is where I want to be whether it's 'better' or not.

Are you not able to apply for citizenship wherever you are so you have dual citizenship and could reverse the decision - if not, why? My old friend's son is now a German citizen through length of time in Germany. He is not German by heritage and nobody in his family is German by heritage.

Not sure where you are @flippetty but we made the plunge back when DC wanted to go to university in the UK.

We had very much "had our time abroad" and the desire for older DC to return coincided with ours.

Ten years in we have not regretted that - DC are settled here but have very good links with their adopted country. They are bilingual and that has opened up doors and opportunities educatio/friendship and work wise.

In all honesty it has gone better than we expected and we do go back to where we lived but find that live for those we left behind is just as exciting and unpredictable too!

@GranPepper yes we are applying but it apparent takes several years to come through and we may need to leave before we get it in order to be back before secondary.

@vimtovibes that's great to hear. Did you move back just for 6th form or whole of secondary?

I worry that the kids will resent me for making the choice as there will be a lot they will miss. It's hard isn't it, we just can't know what is the best decision.

It sounds as if your heart is telling you to stay. This is the kids' home now and going forward. Moving anywhere, let alone abroad ie back home, is a massive upheaval and everyone has to be engaged with the decision. What does your DH / partner say?

@flippetty - they moved back after taking A level equivalents and then went to university straight afterwards. The only issue - not one really - was that year entry in school abroad was Jan to Dec so when one DC started university they were still 17 for a few months (still managed to enjoy Freshers Week though!)

I was a secondary teacher in the uk. I definitely wouldn't move back for the education!

Ive lived abroad for many years in different countries returning to the UK for a few years at times

I would think long and hard about returning. I hate living in the UK its decline is considerable. Remove your rose tinted specs.

You miss your family obviously but you can visit easily. Yhe opportunities for your childrem are considerably better where you are

One factor to consider as your kids hit secondary is where they will go to Uni, you need to be resident for 3 years in the UK for home fees (caveat being some Unis are more flexible than others on residency, but it's not a given and the financial difference is big).

When we reached that point, we had already planned for overseas fees, so ultimately, we decided to stay abroad. We're glad we did. DS applied this year and has looked much more broadly at Uni options because the UK didn't seem like it was the "automatic" choice. He may still end up there, but then, he may end up in a different country.

Equally, when I look at their secondary schooling (DD has SEN), we'd have struggled to replicate the level of support of their international school if we'd been in the UK. In that respect, it was absolutely the right decision to stay abroad despite missing family.

We moved back to the UK after six years away. For us we moved back to be closer to family after Covid travel disruptions, and subsequent hikes in travel costs, brought home the distance, and for career reasons; there are far more opportunities here than there were where we lived. We also had the benefit of moving back from somewhere with a higher cost of living.

We did miss those 'expat' friendships keenly. Socialising here is less frequent, and more superficial. But we also have a lot more to do, far more places we can go to easily, the kids see family much more and we have childcare available for weekends away as a couple. We live in a house we couldn't afford where we came from, and we deliberately moved to a place with great state secondaries. The SEN provision here, while stretched like so many things, is better than where we were living.

I can't say that the general state of public services isn't a big challenge. We do have private health care through work luckily and we use it, although partly because we had something similar abroad so got used to a level of care that the NHS hasn't provided since I was child, never mind recently. But in all other areas we are facing the same issues that everyone is and worrying about the political capability to address is (more optimistic with the current lot than the last). But we moved from somewhere with equally dysfunctional politics!

I'm overall glad we moved back as it feels like home, for better or worse. Our eldest child was furious with us but does have a lot more opportunity here. The move coincided with the move to secondary (deliberately) but it meant a LOT of change in a year. We had to do it, and our other child adapted very quickly at a slightly earlier age, but I think I'd have moved back sooner to minimise that impact.

I think if you don't have any pressing need or overwhelming homesickness that means that you really WANT to move back to the UK, you should choose the place that gives you the best quality of life. That will be entirely personal and depend on where you live and what is most important to you.

All countries have their challenges and I would say that the UK is going through a pretty torrid time in its history right now, but for most of us it's background noise that doesn't impact day-to-day. There's been a lot of focus recently on how crap the NHS is, but in my area I have found that the NHS works pretty well - certainly no worse than pre-Covid. When my elderly DF needed urgent medical treatment last year he got it immediately. When my DC are ill they get same-day appointments at the GP. We have an NHS dentist (although we registered in 2010 - I know it's harder to find one now).

My advice would be to draw up a list of pros and cons, and then rank them according to importance. Do some research about housing and schools in the area that you'd move back to. Look at the costs and see what impact they would have on your quality of life. Compare the weather. If you're in northern Europe it may well be no better/worse than the UK, but I can tell you right now in December in southern England that I'm sick to death of grey skies and rain, which is all we seem to have had for the last few weeks. If I could live somewhere in southern Europe - or at least spend the winter there - I probably would!

Thank you for all these helpful points and views.

My heart says go home my head says stay here.

Unfortunately we can't afford international schools here - if we could I think we would stay.

But yes I am homesick. I worry that we will miss the healthcare and the air quality! And yes the friendships too.

Hi , we are moving back to uk from Spain . How have you found it ?