Living apart

[Alaimo]

Has anyone here lived apart from their partner for a longer period as a result of/part of moving overseas?

DH and I have lived in Scandinavia for 2 years, moved here for my job. DH has struggled to get his career going here and has decided to go back to the UK for 1 year to get an additional qualifications which should help him find suitable work here.

Now, we've lived apart before, but never longer than 3 months. Furthermore, whenever this has happened I've always been the one going away and DH the one being left behind so to speak. This is the first time that DH is going away for longer and I'm the one staying behind, continuing my daily life like normal, but without him.

I've always considered myself to be very independent and happy in my own company, but now that DH is about to leave for the UK I do feel a bit sad about the prospect of so much alone-time! This is probably not helped by the fact that making friends here has been challenging, and most of the friends I do have, have families of their own so are also often unavailable to hang out on weekends (DH and I don't have kids).

Just wondering if others have been in this situation and if you did anything in particular to make the time apart more enjoyable/go quicker, or in other ways make the most of this time apart?

I did it for 18 months. I moved back from where we had lived for 14 years with the DC (primary age) at v short notice due to covid/schools where we were. DH stayed there for work and then managed to get transferred. It was ok but not ideal. I think it was easier for me than for him as I had a lot of new stuff to sort out whereas he missed the kids and the time difference made quality catch ups tricky. Therefore he felt like he was missing out on things changing. We met up every holiday- either we went back or we met in the middle (Dubai).

Overall, it was worth it (educational and financial upsides), but it wasn't ideal. It took us a while to get used to each other again- he still works away in the week now though.

I've always quite liked it. Nothing to argue about, always glad to see each other.

The trick is to think up things that are better done without him and go those things. It's not about missing him, more about using your imagination to turn a negative into a positive.

It gets easier. All the best.

I don't have any experience of that situation myself (I am single), but I have a male relative who married a lovely woman 7 years ago. They have never lived together. The first couple of years he lived in North America and she lived in South America. Now they both live in Europe, but in different countries. Somewhat unusual situation, but they seem very happy! They don't have children.

Would DH not do better to get Scandi qualifications? A lot of further/higher education is free and entitles you to student finance.

We live overseas and spend around 1 month apart 3 times a year (one of these occasions is usually 2 months to see family over summer school hols), so apart 4 out of 12. This feels right for us and was our agreement on moving overseas but for family not work purposes. We don’t plan to do longer gaps but if it was some sort of necessity (and temporary) them we would have regular keep in touch calls, send each other photos of our lives and holiday together whenever we could. We would also try to keep very busy! I also like a pillow wall in the bed if I’m sleeping alone.

I think I'd see it as an opportunity to get more involved in your local community and make some new friends. Without your DH there could you maybe try some new things so you're not stuck at home feeling his absence?

For example: running group, yoga class, indoor climbing, language class, Meet-Up group (either social or special interest), book group, cross-country skiing, amateur dramatics, etc. You don't say whether you'd benefit from Swedish lessons or where you are, but if you're in a major city I'm sure there will be plenty of things you could join or get involved with.

Been doing this for over 10 years, DH has a business in another country so is away for 6 months of the year.
The DC were still in school when the opportunity came up (once in a lifetime as it is a very quirky/extreme job) and my career is important (although I could go as it's remote) so we stayed here.
I love it TBH, I get to do what I want with no compromise, I go away with friends on holiday etc.
I can go over whenever or if I want but tend not to as I'm so busy being me 😂
Do miss each other but speak whenever we want and contact is at least once a day, I think we are closer because of it as we are both so independent.

I was in the UK for six years while ex-H lived the bachelor life in the Middle East. He was only home for a couple of weeks twice a year. It was awful. All my couples friends dropped me, assuming that I would be chasing their husbands, but then when he was home, everyone wanted to see us, and he was a social butterfly, so we had very little time just as a family together. I was a single parent for 48 weeks a year, also helping care for his ailing mother.

He lost touch with everything going on in the kids’ lives, to the point that he couldn’t remember which school year they were in. He expected our lives to freeze-frame when he was away, and complained about any changes since he was last home. He’d deliberately disrupt the running of the household, and encourage the kids to misbehave to annoy me. It took weeks to get things back on an even keel when he left.

He had at least one affair while he was away. When I took him on holiday for a weekend alone together without the kids and told him it wasn’t working, he told me it was fine, and if I couldn’t cope I should see a shrink. That was the last straw.

We did it for 14m on our return from Asia.

Bought a house in the UK, and then took just over a year to sort out the move back.

Having done it over that distance, I wouldn't have qualms about doing it over a distance you can fly for a weekend.

However, my view may well be influenced by the fact we met in a long distance relationship - and therefore have dealt with distance from the start.