To wish I had made different life choices?

[UniqueCoralFox]

First time poster here and looking to hear from people who can relate to my situation.

Eleven yeras ago I moved to the UK from an European country to do a PhD and my partner, now DH, followed me. We were both young and not really making long-term plans but just living day by day. After our PhDs, my DH wanted to go back to our home country but we work in science and there aren't good opportunities in our field over there. So we both found good jobs in the UK and decided to stay. Years have gone by, we bought a nice house and now have a sweet 6 month old baby. We are happy but we don't have any family here and miss them a lot. The idea that my DS won't grow up close to his grandparents and other family members makes me really sad, in addition to the fact that I still feel like I don't belong here but my place is back in my home country.
However, as I said, we cannot just pack and move back because we would struggle to find a well paid job like we have now and we know that the work environment can be very toxic over there as well. Even if we did find a job, it would be unlikely we would be close to family.
We have a good and stable situation here and don't feel like we can risk everything by giving everything up.

Overall, I feel that there is no going back anymore because of the choices we made when we were young (not really planning ahead) and the path we undertook with our careers and wonder how our life could have been if we had made different choices. I know it's a sliding door type of situation and I need to find a way to come to terms with this but I feel like I will never manage to because I will always miss our loved ones.

Yeah, I mourn the life I had “planned”. I feel like I’m living a parallel life to the one I thought I would end up with. It’s saddening but at the same time I wouldn’t change it, does that make sense?

But you haven’t done anything irrevocable. If you’re not happy, change things. Have you seriously investigated job opportunities at home? DH and I both have DPhils and have moved around types of job depending on which country we were living in.

You are right, it's not irrevocable but we are living a good life at the moment and don't feel like I can risk it by giving everything up.
My fear is also that I have a sort of romantic vision of how life back home would be because we left when we where in our mid-twenties but now life as an adult would be very different.

Yes, it does make sense

It might help to keep in mind that you would not have the baby you have now if you had made different decisions in the past.

So, wishing for a different past means wishing for a different baby.

I try to keep this in mind when I start to regret decisions I made in the past.

I do understand your career situation and you have a realistic view that it wouldn't be perfect back home either, but I will say that with your child being so young, there is still time. Now I have a teen and a primary age child, moving back to my DH's home country will be far, far more difficult. They don't feel like that is their home and probably never will. And yet, now he is older and his mother is in bad health, he is even more compelled to return.

I would think about this very carefully. Giving up well paying jobs and a home in the UK for the unknown back home could be a disaster. If you move back but struggle with work, that won’t make you happy. And if you move back and your family aren’t as involved as you want them to be or you end up as a carer, that won’t necessarily make you happy either.
i would work on building your life here. Once your child starts school you will meet lots of other parents at a similar life stage and that can be very bonding. Your child will make friends and most likely thrive in the UK, especially if you have enough money to support their interests.
Is there anything you can do to bring your family over more to see you or you see them? Maybe more frequent visits would help you feel less homesick

Hi OP, I can relate to your situation very well, as I am in a very similar one :) The most important thing to remember is that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. When living abroad, you see your home country very much with rose-tinted glasses, I am speaking of experience. My relationship with all my family massively intensified (in a good way) when I moved abroad as you don't see each other so often and visits become very treasured occasions where you make wonderful memories. Compared to my friends who still live in my home country, I have a much better relationship with my relatives.
Whenever I am in my home country for a few weeks, I tend to also recognise all the positives of living in the UK, the people (which in my opinion- compared to my own home country- are on the whole more open-minded and polite), the vaster choice of work available, etc. Also don't forget that you can always move back to your old home, you can always make it work, but be prepared to accept some downsides as well. Every place has pros and cons to live in. Would it be possible at all to spend some extended periods of time in your home country, a few weeks at a time, and see how you feel? Also, in regards to the title of your thread- please remember that you have no idea how life would have turned out if you would have stayed in your home country. You might very well be mourning the decision to stay there, you might have a lower-paid job, you might not have done the PHD you did in the UK etc. There is no way of knowing!

That's so true. Relationships do intensify because I treasure the little time we have to spend together when visiting and, as you and other have said, I need to remember that my life might have been very different if I had stayed in my home country. I might not have had the husband and baby I now have and that I deeply love and a job that I enjoy doing (almost) every day!
I also tell myself that my baby will have the chance to be exposed to two different cultures and be bilingual and hopeful that will be a benefit for him.
Also it does help to know that there are other people feeling the same way so thank you for sharing your thoughts.

You'll feel better if you life in the moment more. Can you spend holiday in your country or origin so your child gets to know your family well.

Could you aim to one day buy a property in your home country, where you can spend extended holidays but most of all, allow your child to put down roots in their other place of nationality?

To feel like you’re investing in and have a concrete stake in your birthplace.

And also to give you the choice to one day retire there?