Family

[FunnyBunny91]

Hi ladies,

I could really use some advice on how to approach a situation that’s been on my mind. My husband and I recently moved to another continent. We’ve been working hard to settle in, buying new items for our home, and adjusting to our new environment. It’s been a lot of work, but we’re slowly getting there.

We don’t have any kids yet, but we’ve been trying to conceive for a few months without success. Now that we’re starting to feel more settled, we want to focus on expanding our family and exploring next steps if necessary.
I’m quite worried because many of our family members and friends want to visit us over the next few months. His parents, in particular, want to stay for an entire month. While I understand everyone is excited to see our new home, I’m concerned about the added stress of hosting, especially since our previous experiences have left me feeling like the chef and the cleaner.
In the past, no one has offered to help with cooking or cleaning except my husband.

How can we explain to our family and friends that we need time to settle down and focus on building our family, without coming across as harsh or rude? We would love to see them, and they are welcome to visit the country, but we would prefer they stay in a hotel. However, we’re worried this might offend them. Have any of you been in a similar situation before? How did you handle it?

Thank you in advance for your advice.

very expensive to stay in a hotel for a month

The novelty will wear off. Get them visiting sooner rather than later. When they do come find places for them to go independently for a few days to break the stay up.

“Hey family! I think a month would be a bit much - how about a week? Lots to do here so will need everyone to pitch in! Can’t wait to see you.”

Good advice from @OriginalUsername2 .

Do they really want to stay for a whole month?
Even if it might be a long journey to your continent, that is a really long stay. Perhaps they can travel to you, stay with you for a week or two, and then travel to a different country/area of your continent and stay there for a week.

Make sure that you and your husband are on the same page about this, then plan what your are going to say.

@SkaneTos they are not considering anything shorter than a month, unfortunately. They are also not going to go anywhere else to another country to explore or within the city where we are.

Their whole idea of coming to us is to stay at home all the day, so they can hang out with my husband after work and I will have to entertain them whilst he is at work. Then on the weekends, we can take them to places around the city. They are not the type of people who will leave the house to go out and explore alone.

I also think better to get the visits in sooner rather than later, then the novelty will wear off. Better to have them stay before you have kids/pregnant than when you are more tired and want time on your own.
Plan to buy them a weekend in a hotel in the middle of their trip - joint birthday present or something? You can drop them there and pick them up after. Will give each of you a break and they can't refuse if it's a gift! (Only tell them after they've arrived and it's a done deal!)

@Smidge001 I like your idea, but we have tried doing something like this in the past when we used to live in another country as well, and they were annoyed at us. I think it is tricky because they are not the easiest people, and we are both trying to come up with a good suggestion so they don't get annoyed (as they get annoyed easily for the smallest thing)

In terms of them visiting us asap, they are not willing to to visit us for example next month, only when it is convenient for them. We both feel like its almost impossible to accommodate them :(

Family! Gotta love 'em. Do have them to visit sooner rather than later, especially if you are planning to have children.

Ask them to bring favourite recipes and/or ask them to make DH's or your favourites from home? This way they can do some of the cooking (and kitchen clean-up)

If they're coming for a month, that is a LONG time and I say that as someone with relatives abroad who have stayed for up to 2 weeks.

Plan some things you would do alone like meet a friend for the day somewhere else; something they can't join like a class or activity. (actually this could just be you hanging out somewhere else) They could stay at your house or organise something to entertain themselves whilst you were out.

Maybe you can go away alternate weeks during their visit and leave them in your house 🤣

My mother once visited for three weeks (I didn't want such a long visit, nor for her to come alone, nor for her to stay in the house, but there was an immense amount of emotional blackmail and I wasn't at my emotionally strongest when it was arranged at the end of my pregnancy when I'd recently moved abroad, the house wasn't unpacked and was already stressed - no, she didn't help, she expected to be waited on and to monopolise my newborn when he was happy or asleep and only hand him back when I insisted because he was screaming - she never changed a nappy or did anything but hold him so much as made a cup of tea or put her own cup in the dishwasher) and our already shaky relationship never recovered from the additional strain.

When my other children were born I was stronger and insisted she travel with another family member and stay in a hotel. Looking after a new born and two toddlers in a foreign country on my own was easier than the time my mother moved herself in for three weeks.

Letting relatives stay for a month can damage the relationship more than offending them by saying no, one week is all we can do as we have a lot going on. If you want to be here longer you'll have to stay in a hotel. Then no matter what they reply and how often they claim that they'll be no bother and you won't know they're there, or accuse you of being hard hearted or horrible or whatever just repeat the same thing. Though of course as it's your husband's parents "you" here means him, not you...

@Whale80ne I am so sorry that happened to you. It must have been awful at the time. :( Did she not inform you beforehand that she was coming?

The thing about my in-laws is that we have to go along with whatever they want. Based on my past experiences with them, no matter what we decide to do, it’s going to be wrong. For example, if we leave them in our house for a few hours while we have dinner with friends, they lose their minds if we don’t bring them along. They don’t understand the concept of having a few hours to themselves; they want to do literally everything together and can’t be away from us for more than 30 minutes.

I believe my husband will need to have an open conversation with them because everyone else will understand except my in-laws. We are also worried that if we tell them they have to stay in a hotel if they want to stay longer than a week, they will most likely not come at all or create an argument and start being rude and using harsh words.

You have to stop letting “harsh words” control you. They’re happy to make you feel less than happy by doing that, but you are trained to not let them be unhappy. They’re manipulative.

We told them. No more than a long weekend or week as most as we are not on holiday and trying to settle into friendship groups and social circles.

Well, it’s a husband problem, it seems.

Someone on Reddit had a line. “Dear H. We have a binary situation. This card is the details of a marriage counsellor. This other card has the details of a divorce lawyer. You may choose first.”

Or you can take matters into your own hands and just organise the arrangements to suit yourself and take no shit.

I’ve grown into the latter type and it’s a useful skill to have.

It was a very long time ago and I let myself be emotionally blackmailed into it with raging hormones at 8 months pregnant. I knew it would go badly but my father told me she'd be broken hearted if I didn't let her come and "help", she cried down the phone about being so far from her grandchildren, well meaning friends told me I should take any help offered - I knew I'd be better off alone but as I say I was 8 months pregnant and being told from all sides to let her come - of course I was right and it was an utter nightmare. Honestly I haven't even scratched the surface. She did nothing to even look after herself let alone help, she informed me she'd come to bond with her grandchild and wouldn't let me have my own baby unless he was screaming blue murder or had a stinky nappy, she criticised my cooking and cleaning (two weeks after a caesarean) and the set up of our house (which we'd barely moved into - an international move - before the baby was born - she demanded we run around after her. She rang my dad in tears when I challenged her on her behaviour and he rang telling me to apologise to her, and she basically cried every time she didn't get her way. It was awful.

But I learned to be the bad guy and say no and no again and no again and call her out and call her out again and stop being nice and stop being swayed - a hard but essential lesson which I did at least learn before the children were any older.

When you have visitors, can you get someone to come in and help with domestic chores? Where I am, live in maids aren't uncommon, and we don't do that as we're a two adult/1 small dog household who don't need a full time maid, but if I had visitors for an extended period I would get our weekly cleaners to come more often. You could have someone for a few hours a day to keep on top of laundry, cleaning etc. Outsource everything you can!

You need to change your mindset of "we have to go along with whatever they want". Do they control you somehow? If it is just their annoyance that you are fearful of then you might just have to face up to that, it will no doubt get easier after the first time but if you continue the way you are doing you are in for a month of misery.

OP, this dilemma is really one for your DH to lead on and handle, with your support behind the scenes.

As others have said, don’t be afraid of harsh words - better than destroyed relationships long term!

You need to be direct, clear, and positive. “Yes we would love you to visit, and 10 nights would be perfect for us because we’re still settling in - we understand Ida a long flight so how about 6 nights with us, then you take a week at X tourist destination in country, followed by 4 nights with us to wrap up an amazing trip?”