When you have to return to the UK on death of parent

[WalkingaroundJardine]

This hasn’t happened yet and mum is pretty healthy for her age (late 80s). But I am close to her and I know it’s going to be difficult when she dies (or becomes very unwell). Realistically because of her age, I am aware it could happen unexpectedly. She has been organising her POA lately with my UK based sibs which has got my mind on the subject.

To cope with this I am writing myself an action plan that I can pull out and follow when it happens, as I assume I will be all over the shop to think clearly at the time. I am in Australia and would have access to both compassionate leave and long service leave. Funerals seem to take awhile to organise in the UK compared to Australia where it seems done and dusted within 1 - 2 weeks. So I am thinking that arriving before the funeral and leaving soon afterwards is the best way to go. I can help the sibs then.

Any tips from expats who have been through it? How long did you stay in the UK? Are long haul direct flights manageable when grieving or did you need a stopover?

Dreading this!

My cousin is also in Australia and my uncle died at 92 last October. He had visited his parents in the summer, so it wasn't that long between his visit and his father passing. The funeral was four weeks after he passed and it took over two weeks before the date was agreed. Once the funeral date was known, he flew over about three days before and stayed for two weeks. I'm also overseas (middle east) and I went to the funeral but only had 1 day compassionate leave (3rd degree relative) so took a night flight, went to the funeral in the afternoon, and worked remotely/flew back the next morning.

My parents are in their late 70s and both in good health, relatively speaking. Dad just bought a new car and they are booking flights to visit me here next March. I'm kind of thinking that as long as they are planning ahead we'll just keep going and hope that terrible moment is a very long time coming. I now work in a school so my reaction would depend on which parent passed first and whether it was term time or not. My sister lives about 10 miles from them.

Thank you @useitorlose. Good point about it taking 2 weeks before the funeral date is set in the UK. So I could use my compassionate leave in the first week or so and see how I go. I am the kind of person who is generally soothed by daily routine and it may be good to return to work for a few days some normality and to keep things ticking over but if I am not coping at all then I could get a medical certificate to extend that time? I rarely take sick leave and have a lot accumulated.

Then LSL for the travel part of it, perhaps arriving the week before the funeral.

Speaking from the other perspective i.e. living in the UK when relative lived in Australia. One thing to consider is when the latter part of your relative's life isn't just one final illness but is a series of events that require attention over a period of perhaps 2-3 years, interspersed with periods of wellness. This is far more difficult to manage as you'd potentially need to fly over several times, or may want to.

If it isn’t sudden but they become ill, how will you manage that?

I'd try and get over before she died, if it looks like she is failing. Forget about the funeral if it's too long after her death to manage the time off. I'd much rather spend the last few days with her alive than worry about afterwards.
My mother was failing and my doctor sister said she thought she'd pass in the next couple weeks. I had young kids and it was Easter break, and we had plans. So I went three days later thinking I still had time. She died while I was in the air. I wish I had gone immediately.
And the flight was fine - as were the few days after. You can compartmentalise things - you get the practical stuff done and then grieve privately later.

@CrunchyCarrot and @crumblingschools thanks good point about falling ill. That will definitely be harder to manage.. I will need to consider this a bit more. I guess because she has been so healthy up until now, still living in her double storey home and walking daily I tend to imagine and hope that the end will be relatively quick.

And yes @mondaytosunday I should make the most of the good times before she falls ill and died. She was travelling to Australia regularly before lockdown hit but can’t face the long journey now, understandably.

Also in Aus and this has happened to two close friends recently. Both flew back to the UK pretty much as soon as they heard with family joining them later for the funeral. I can’t remember exactly how long it took between death and funeral but they were definitely both there a few weeks.

I’m Irish and funerals are super fast (think 2-3 days), when my dad died I was working out if I could get a flight when my sister let me know he was already in the ground which was a bit tough but to be fair I had had three “you need to come now” calls where by the time I arrived he was recovered and sitting up in bed (care home) with a cup of tea so I know my sister was trying to be nice and save me another trip.

@andyourpointiswhat wow, that is very fast! When my mother’s older brother died not unexpectedly last year I think it took something like 5 weeks for the funeral to be held but in that case they also had overseas familles present, so perhaps that was the reason why - waiting for them to come across.

I would need to tell my sibs how fast I can make it over so they can set a day.
My mother would be horrified I am thinking to this level of detail lol!

From having had colleagues in this position, I think that, perhaps even more difficult than long illness, is the close to death stage which can be surprisingly drawn out. I have had two colleagues who have had to dash overseas, one as her parent had had a terrible accident and was in intensive care and the other as her parent who had a long illness hadn't gone downhill and wasn't expected to live much longer. In both cases, the parent stabilised but was still very ill and then there was the dilemma of whether to stay with the parent or travel back to the country they lived in now, knowing there was the risk that their parent could die whilst they were in the air or shortly after they landed. The childfree colleague ended up working remotely in their country of origin for several weeks which, from a work perspective, didn't work that well. The colleague with children travelled back and, within 24 hours of landing, was told that their parent had died. I think the funeral was about 4 weeks later as that tied in with the end of term so it minimised time off school for the children.

I'm aware with my parents that the help siblings need is with the long drawn out and very demanding periods of ill health/ acute health scares which resolve partially but leave a less independent parent and a longer partial recovery period each time. Eventually clearing out 50 years of "treasure"/ stuff from the oversized and run down house they refuse to consider downsizing from will also be a painful and time consuming task.

Unfortunately few people are healthy and independent until abruptly and tidily dying in their sleep at 90. It happens, but for most people who make it to be elderly there are repeated and protected periods of potentially life threatening health issues spread over years.

I'm only a short haul flight away but have also seen friends here go through it and it's difficult for everyone on all sides, including (sometimes especially) for teenagers who are collateral damage when their parent keeps having to do potential end of life dashes to the grandparents, often at times when the teenagers especially need their parents to be around providing stability through exams and general teen storms.

I appreciate that planning for a funeral trip is a coping mechanism but I think it helps siblings more if you (we) try to take some of the strain while they're alive, and it's easier for our own children if we plan trips with fixed dates so they know when we're coming back. I always want to "fix" things and get very frustrated by my parents' resistance to changing things which would make everyone's (especially their own but also the family members they lean really heavily upon for help) life easier when I go over - it's upsetting but I know it's worse for the siblings dealing with it daily.

I'm not sure what the solution is but I'd say do the long trip before she dies, not for the funeral.

Thanks @Whale80ne and @thehousewiththesagegreensofa some more good thoughts to add to the complexity of it all. I should have a chat to the siblings about their thoughts as.well. I agree that doing as much as I can before she died would be well received- with the funeral perhaps more brief in timescale.

What difficult decisions ahead....well done for trying to get some sort of plan in order. If it were me, as an older parent (in my 70s), I would very much appreciate a visit while I'm still aware if that became possible as the funeral will be for those left behind (I'll be the ashes in the urn!). So, if you get enough notice, perhaps fly over when the end is nigh so you have some good memories and then just a quick visit for my funeral to show the rest of the family your support? The important thing for both of us would be that you felt as ok as possible about my passing - no regrets. I hope it all works out, what a thoughtful person you are!

@Lifestooshort71 thanks! Good point about visiting early on in the illness when awareness is greatest. I think that would be a good thing for both of us.

I have had aging parents and my dad has died, and this is one reason why I could never live abroad because it’s not just about the death.

In the last few years of your life your parents become forgetful and need support with little things that you can’t really ask Neighbour to do. So unless you have very patient siblings, you’re gonna find this really hard.

My parent died suddenly. I rang my sibling immediately and she got on the next flight from Australia. Then we trying to hurry up the funeral stage so she could fly home. It made it really hard on us, and I know she didn’t mean it to, but in the UK a funeral takes ages, in our case a month. Especially if a PM is required and so often now it is required.

She wanted to be with me, but really it would have been better to have waited a bit so we weren’t pressured into rushing everything. It was a bit embarrassing to ask the funeral directors/church to hurry up.

She had been over a few months before so had seen our parent, that had used up all her holiday entitlement. So I think she was on compassionate and unpaid leave.

To be honest, I needed the support afterwards and that’s just part of having a sibling abroad. It’s been much harder doing it on my own. There is endless legal stuff to do when someone dies, it’s goes on for months.

The thing is that lots of working age adults don't have time to provide/ just don't provide for whatever reason (multiple, both understandable and less so) all this support to elderly parents and siblings despite living only an hour or a few hours drive away in the same country - and sometimes despite living in the same town.

Indeed this is the case in my family too - multiple siblings in the same country as my parents, some doing far too much for my parents and being taken advantage of (my parents could afford to pay for help but choose to disrupt a local sibling's quite demanding but home office based career demanding constant lifts and so on while she's working and don't appreciate that she isn't delighted at having "something to do"/ being able to help because she won't yet say anything directly to them) whilst another sibling lives a couple of hours motorway drive away but gets stressed easily and spends (a lot ) less time with parents and siblings than me, the overseas sibling as well as requiring support herself when she does visit, choosing to do so without her car (I always hire a car due to the parents living rurally and putting high demand on the most local siblings to be driven about) and require lifts herself and be unable to provide them...

*Passay your answer puts me in mind of sanctimonious posters who have never struggled with weight in their lives who jump onto "looking for fellow travellers in the same boat" threads started by morbidly obese women asking for support from others in the same situation following the same sensible weight loss programme - perhaps they mean well, but they come across as simply wanting to tell others off for not being like them. *

This happened to me. I wasn't as far away as Australia, but far enough and whilst Mum had been ill we weren't expecting her to die suddenly. Fortunately my sibling was on hand as she lived just down the road from Mum and was happy to start making the arrangements. So I didn't fly home immediately, but waited till after the PM when we knew when the funeral would be. This gave time to arrange childcare and for DH to get leave from work. As others have said it is the time before that is more precious than the time afterwards. It also meant that by the time I flew home we had made arrangements to see the solicitor etc. I will always be grateful though for my sister being willing and able to take on a lot of the responsibility for months afterwards when I had to return home but there was still the house/estate etc. to deal with.

My brother is sharing bedside vigil with us for my mum, having dropped everything on Saturday night to catch first available flight from
Sydney. She couldn’t talk by the time he arrived at the hospital but smiled and looked delighted. It was
her last response to
anyone. He did the same thing for my dad who died just before Covid (a blessing for him).

He had been over just three weeks earlier l, just after her aggressive leukaemia was diagnosed.

It’s very expensive and vey stressful for him
and his wife and young son but he needs to be with us

Yes. I feel overwhelmed by what we need to do. I have a huge work project about to come to boiling point. I am lucky to have competent adult children and a kind husband but I still feel as if I’m going to be drowned.

It’s really really tough. I’m supporting my remaining parent. Also working, dealing with a young family, plus other commitments I have. Suddenly I’m in the midst of solicitor emails, understanding probate, arranging a funeral and headstones. It’s a lot. I feel like I’m drowning most of the time to be honest. Set boundaries is my advice.