Relocation dilemma ... WWYD?

[NightOwlGirl]

Dh has been offered a chance to work in south of France on a major project his company is undertaking with international partners, and he is keen for us all to relocate with him, he is very optimistic and sees that it could be a great opportunity for the children to experience living and learning in another country.
I'm happy for him, he's worked hard for this, and it is a real career boosting opportunity, but I have a lot of reservations. The biggest of these is that is only a 1-year contract, with the possibility of extension. If we all go out, we would probably have to rent our house to cover the mortgage and pay for storage for our belongings. The company would provide furnished rented accommodation. Dh is already convinced an extension is all but certain.

My other big reservation is my job. If we all go out to France, I would have to quit my job. I don't know how easy to get back onto a similar job when we return. The only reason I can do my current job is because we split childcare 50/50. I worry that I will be a SAH mum, isolated in a different country. I speak some French but not fluently.

I've tried to discuss all this with dh, but he just calls me a pessimist, and says I have no sense of adventure and my concerns are out of proportion. If we don't go as a family the alternatives are 1) he turns down this chance, which would be huge disappointment or 2) he goes out alone and we only see him in school holidays.

Kids are 5 & 7, the youngest is a real daddy's boy so he will take it hard if dh goes out alone. I'm really torn up about this, wwyd?

I would go. What an exciting opportunity that might change your life and will be an amazing opportunity for you all. Something will come up job wise when you come home....or it might open up a whole new world of opportunity that you can't even imagine yet.

You and your children will pick up the language so quickly living with it every day. Think of the weather!

Send him on his own. I wouldn’t be financially dependent on anyone.

No way I’d go. What’s the upside for you?

I’d stay and see how things are in a year, spend some of that time improving your french and if he likes the job, gets an extension and you want to go - see in 12 months.

If I had a career then I wouldn’t be relocating and losing my job for a year. It would need to be a longer term contract or a permanent contract for me to consider a relocation.

can you trial it for a few months to see how things go?

This OP.
Also, how much of a financial buffer do you have? Being a LL can be expensive if you end up with bad tenants, void periods etc you also need to have funds to cover any repairs. If the rent just covers the mortgage plus a little extra it's not worth it.

If you're not spending any money on accomodation then I would just carry on paying the mortgage and keep your house so you can come and go?

Presumably there's a financial incentive to the project/move as well, so would that cover you not working?

I would go, even if it's a bit tight financially. But I wouldn't rent out our family home for love nor money.

Is your job one you could do remotely? Or would they give you a one year sabbatical?

kids being primary age is a good time to go if you do decide to give it a try.

I would go,it will be a wonderful opportunity to experience another country, even if it was only for a year. Would your employer allow an unpaid sabbatical for a year?

I wouldn’t go. Not having given up my career too easily to take care of children - I now know how valuable they are!

Ive got a lonely ex pat friend who lives in France too. Its not an easy task to integrate.

At your children's ages I'd take them for a year and see what happens, they could be fluent in that time.

I'd be torn too, if it's a year and you didn't have to work, you could spend the time with the children, studying, learning a new language.

But permanent jobs are so valuable too, it can be tough depending on your industry. Plus the kids might find the moving tough.

I wouldn't go because of the language barrier for myself.

I lived abroad as student and it was fine as we lived with international students and studied in English.

Don't become a trailing spouse unless you can get an official sabbatical with your current job to return to and your husband agrees to turn down an extension unless you have a job lined up in the new location.

An adventure is great but often the trailing spouse takes a hit they can't recover from in terms of killing their career and pension and in doing so loses a lot of themselves (going from an independent equal to a dependent status it's often near impossible to completely bounce back from).

I did what you did 17 years ago and had to completely learn a new language and completely retrain to get back into a "career" job, and at nearly 50 I still earn less than I did at 25 (I used to earn more than my husband, now he earns 3 times more than me although we both work full time) - worse still my pension forecast is 1/3 of his.

Your children are probably just young enough to go into the local school system but not necessarily - people come out with utter naive nonsense about children being fluent in six months but that is the exception, not the rule, if the local language isn't spoken at home and I've known children born in the new country need intensive additional language support for several years and still end up moving to an international school (eye wateringly expensive) because they don't have the language plasticity, as well as children who slot right in to the local school despite moving when they are older. Personality plays a role as well as well as how well parents support local friendships instead of making friends with mainly expat English speakers.

Have a serious talk with your husband - this isn't just about a sense of adventure, its about asking you to sacrifice your financial independence and become his dependent. He needs to appreciate what he's asking you to do for his career and at the least he needs to pay into a private pension for you while your support for his career is preventing you from earning.

I wouldn’t risk losing my job/independence/career. Can you get a sabbatical? I wouldn’t stop his dream either, he will resent you. He can go and see how things go, you can go and visit and he can come as well.

If he goes on his own perhaps you can get an aupair

he just calls me a pessimist, and says I have no sense of adventure and my concerns are out of proportion.

This is worrying as he isn't taking your concerns seriously and they're valid.

Is your marriage as 100% rock solid as anyone can ever know? Asking because if you move and then split after several months you can be left in a situation where he can stop the children leaving France (i.e. if the courts consider the kids are ordinarily resident in France). Appreciate that that is a paranoid approach.

On top of that, I would worry about school for the children if you come back after a year - how hard will it to get their school places back?

I'd say he needs to go on his own initially (and ensure that it's enough of a pay rise to cover the costs of a nanny/aupair - presumably it's a big pay bump if it would be worth you giving up your job!) and then after six months you can review whether the contract is likely to be extended and whether it could be worth a more permanent move plus whether you can get a sabbatical for a shortish period (eg Summer Holidays 2025 + whatever the maximum period is at the end of the school year that you can take off without losing the school places).

I'm confused by why he would only be able to come back in the holidays if you stay at home. It's France not outer Mongolia! Why can't he come back over weekends (maybe not every week) and is it an option for him to agree work from home some days so he can maybe be in the UK from Thursday evening to Sunday evening once a month?

I would go if your finances allow for it. Your kids are not at the age where they have major exams. If it's only for 1 year treat it as an extended holiday and a new experience, I don't think your career will suffer from a one year break. If it's longer than that then you can start looking for alternative work in France, or come back. France is only a short flight away, it'll be easy for your DH to work away.