Oh dear, I just burst into tears at DS's Kindergarten

[thequietone]

It's his second day there. Yesterday they mentioned he's clingy with the teachers, and today they complained he doesn't sit down at story time and just sings and makes noise. I'm devastated - he's the only English child in a German Kindergarten, and it must be so hard for him. I was so angry at them and asked "So what now? Does he have to leave?". I'm exhausted from a 6 week new baby, am on a real downer mysefl today, and this rather unsympathetic lot did it for me. I couldn't stop the tears from falling. I'm still finding it hard now, and need to get through the day...

FFS those teachers are out of order. His SECOND day??? No wonder he's not settled yet. I think you're right to have cried in front of them. Let it out and show them how they've upset you. Don't for heavens sake think about trying to come up with a solution for them - they need to find a way to help him. It's up to the teachers to involve him and they must see it all the time with other kids so must know the tricks of the trade. If not, ask them why not and demand to know what they are going to do about it in the long-term to make him feel accepted.

I am sorry to hear that.
People can be brutally direct sometimes
but please don't worry too much about your little guy:
I was in a similar situation to him when I was little
and I presume at the time it must have been confusing
but I adapted extremely quickly and my memories of that period are largely positive.

He'll be fine

Make sure you look after yourself,
and of course congrats on the new arrival!!!

of course you're exhausted and you're tired. It is hard with a little baby, isn't it? Even without anything else to worry about.

I think it took dd about a week to settle at kg and the first 3 days I was there the whole time she was there, just sitting in a corner and talking to the other new mums. THen they asked me to tell her I was leaving to go shopping and come back in half an hour and at the end of that week I left her there all morning. That's the way the kg wanted it, so I went along with what they said and dd was eased into it quite gently. How long is your ds spending there?

My dd didn't speak any German either but she managed just fine with a bit of time, however I think there will always be hiccups when you leave your dc in someone else's care, whether here or in the UK or anywhere. I hope it goes well. Do none of the carers speak a bit of English?

exhausted and tired
I meant exhausted and stressed

How is ds when you pick him up? Does he seem happy enough? Maybe give it a week for him to settle and then see how it goes. I am afraid that rather uncaring, disinterested manner might be the mask they generally use with dp to keep them at bay. They may be nicer with him than you think from what they say. However I have also seen behaviour in kg that I strongly disapprove of (and in fact I took dd out of one and am very glad I did).

If ds seems unhaopy there, I would consider pulling him out, sooner rather than later. However it is early days yet and you and he both need to adjust to this whole situation generally. Could you envisage sending him to a carer who looks after dc in her home instead? How old is he, I can't remember now?

Hi SSSandy2, Sorry, I couldn't be bothered to elaborate on the last 3 months here on the OP. DS1 has been in another KG since the beginning of the year. Contract was only until September as they're shutting a class an won't have space for him. So, I applied for this new KG for September. Turns out a space came up now, so rather than wait until September to move schools, he's moved now, before he made any strong friendships. So, he's been in a German only KG for 3 months already.
This KG have not offered for me to stay. They did say that he's very happy there, never crying once, which he used to do at the old place. It's just that he's lively. I'm beginning to wonder if they're considering there's something wrong there, as all the other kids in our town are so docile (read: quiet and subdued). I wonder if we were still back in the UK, would he seem so unusual? God, I'm opening another huge can of worms for myself here...

I have found the same since moving to Luxembourg - my ds (3)is at a Luxembourgish/French Nursery and all the other children seem very subdued compared to ds who is very kind and thoughtful but is also very energetic and curious. He is unhappy there and complains all the time (today he was desperate to go out to the garden - but they almost NEVER take the kids outside unless the weather is beaming sunshine)and I am moving him to a Montessori nursery in September (the earliest they can take him), because I think that the approach may be more suitable.

I appreciate that you probably do not want to shuffle your ds from school to school, but have you considered alternative types of schooling? Is there a Montessori school near to you at all?

DS1 is happy to go there, and happy when I pick him up. Yesterday I did what I promised I never would do - I went early to pick him up and saw him playing in the garden. He looked so happy and was playing with 3 other boys, they were teaching him basketball. At the old KG he was forever crying and not wanting to be there so this is a vast improvement. I told this to the new headteacher, who was happy to hear he seems heppy at her place. They just summarised that maybe he needs to be in a smaller class, and is also the youngest there.
I need to give this more time, but today was just all I needed right now.
He's a frighteningly inelligent child who is very affectionate and polite. He just needs to be given a chance.
Damn, Got to go and wake him up now. Am going to give him a huge kiss and cuddle for being such a great kid.

hold on to the fact that he is much happier there and keep an eye on it. At the moment you have no alternative really since you couldn't cope with him at home all day on top of the baby and you didn't like the idea of an aupair/nanny in the house. I think possibly the thing to do here is to make it very clear (as you did) how happy you are with the place and work on getting a definite place from September. I'm not much into greasing people up but it works that way IME; so as far as you're comfortable with it, maybe go down that track.

(madly curious emoticonI just HAVE to know though - boy or girl and did it go ok?

Yes,please tell us -I have wondered how you are

The kindergarten thing sounds awful, but keep reminding yourself how abrupt most Germans can seem-they are so much more direct than Brits by and large(not always a bad thing). It is good that DS seems happy and making friends so I am sure it will improve.

I am still waiting to hear if my DS is allowed to go to German Kindergarten or if I will have to put him in to the Army system. To be honest I am torn as to what is best anyway, especially when i hear what people like you are going through.

Good luck, and congratulations.

My friend lives in France and has done for the last 3yrs and this October she is coming back to the UK and is relieved, because then her DD aged 5 will be starting school in the UK and she will be able to enjoy herself at last.
Lots of countries in Europe seem to have very subdued children, maybe it's because they are very strict and when they have to deal with naturaly happy children they can't deal with it.
I've had it happen to me in the 1970's when my parents lived in Switzerland and school life was VERY strict even compared to the UK in the 70's.
It's just the culture, only see the children but don't hear them.
Maybe, it's changed now so don't want to alarm you.
The teachers should not have been telling YOU off, they should work out a plan and review it in a months time, 2 days is not long enough FFS!
AB

thequietone, I have been wondering about you and hoping everything went well with your new arrival. Congratulations!

Try not to worry too much yet about your ds or read too much into what the teachers are saying. Of course they should have waited at least a few weeks before judging your ds in this way but my guess is that they felt they had to say something and what stuck in their minds was the negative stuff like not sitting still etc.

He sounds wonderful and not unlike my ds who had to go through the same process of moving abroad last year and starting kindergarten here. It wasn't easy (he basically wouldn't talk for the first few months even though he could speak German so they assumed he couldn't understand them) but although we still have our ups and downs he is on the whole quite settled now. I find the carers a lot more brutally honest than in the UK but in some ways that is a good thing as at least you have a better idea of what is going on. You just need to become skilled at recognising whether they are raising a genuine concern or not.

Good luck and keep posting if you feel like you need to rant.

Thanks, everyone. DS1 went to KG this morning - happy as a lark in spring-time. He didn't even kiss me goodbye as he was too busy playing. I got a cursory "Tschuss, bis bald, mama" as he carried on without me. Sob... He's only in there from 8-11am today. We're cutting his hours back to a couple a day until he becomes more settled. Then we can up the hours. He's also complaining of being tired at the moment.

Oh yes, I had another boy! The C section was as marvellous as it could be, although I wasn't prepared for all the tugging! Nearly 100% recovered now, thank god. I've been dying to roll around and play with DS1 for months. When DS2 was asleep yesterday, we lay on our tummies and did jigsaws together for ages. One of those wonderful bonding moments.

Thanks, everyone, for all your help. I was in a right state yesterday, and DH is so wrapped up in a new job that I've only seen him for 1/2 hour a day this week. Not enough time to tell him I'm struggling and sad.

Quiettone, congratulations for the baby and when I read the OP it brought back so many memories. I had exactly the same thing with ds. We had the bad luck that his Erzieherin liked cute little girls more than boys - it was very unprofessional but I wanted him to learn German so it we had to put up with it. It is tough though, hope it gets better.

That's great that he went in happily today. I'm sure he'll be fine and just needs time to settle in. Probably his teachers realise that too and it's a shame they didn't hold back on their comments for at least a few weeks.

I mentioned ds's problems settling in but we also had the same with dd when she started school (y2) here. She sort of clammed up completely in her first weeks at school - wouldn't speak or write anything. The teacher also dealt with it very badly imo, telling her that she didn't belong in the class and should go down a year. In the end she was fine and is doing well now. It's just a shame the teacher didn't think that a little patience and a few encouraging words would be best at the beginning. It would have save a lot of heartache.

Oh wie schön! Dem Kleinen gehts also wieder bestens

I did exactly the same(sat and cried ) in KG here with ds2 when we 1st moved here, I ended up taking him out for a few weeks then he was OK when we went back, but by the sounds of today he sounds settled and happy which is great.

Congratulations on your ds2, I have another 9 weeks to wait for baby#3