Unhappy in Chile. Should I move to the UK?

[Yetigain]

I’m originally from the UK but I have lived abroad for most of the last 15 years. It has mostly been brilliant but I am currently feeling lonely and unsure of what to do next. I have a few friends in different places all over the world but no close friendship group I could go back to anywhere. My relationship ended in November 2022 and I have been single since then too.

February 2023
Ex-DP and I planned to move to Santiago (Chile) in February 2023, but we broke up just before the move and I moved alone. It was supposed to be my dream job but it turned out to be a complete nightmare and I was stuck in an unfulfilling job for several months while I finished the project. As soon as possible, I signed a contract with a different company to do something similar. I handed in my notice at the original job, found a new house in the new part of town and got ready for the move. But 2 weeks before I was due to start, they contacted me to say they had re-evaluated their needs and did not need me afterall. I do not speak good Spanish so my employment options here are limited.

August 2023
I had a bit of a panic and decided to spend a month on holiday in a small surfing town to figure out my life plan. I loved the surfing town, made a couple of friends and found an online job which pays the bills and is relatively easy. I decided to enrol in an Open University course to pivot my career into another direction. All seemed well. It has been hard to make friends here because of my bad Spanish and the massive cultural gap, but I had a couple of friends and I was happy spending my free time surfing. I work about 25 hours per week and spend a lot of time studying for my OU degree and surfing. I live in one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been to.

February 2024
For 3 completely unrelated reasons, my 3 closest friends all left town at the end of February and beginning of March. I now find I’m back to square one with no friends and no community here. I work online and study online and I’m lonely and struggling to meet new people. It is easy to find people to chat to (everyone is very friendly) but it is very very difficult to meet them again. Even when we swap numbers and connect online and make plans to meet a 2nd time, they don’t come. For example, a couple of weeks ago I hosted a big BBQ and invited literally everyone I could think of. 12 people said they would come but only 4 actually turned up. I’ve never struggled to make friends before but here it is extremely difficult. I’ve tried dating here too but it’s been a disaster.

I’m considering moving but I don’t know where I would go. I have family in the UK, but they’re spread out around the country and I don’t have any particular connection to any one place. I could potentially go back to one of the other European countries I have lived in before (where I can speak the language), but I would struggle to work enough to pay my living expenses and have enough time to do my degree, let alone make new friends. I love surfing and that is probably the thing which brings me the most joy at the moment, so I’m reluctant to give that up to go to an ugly city, work full time and study all evening and weekend and still be alone. Any ideas? Is this just what being single in your 30s is like?!

Cornwall? Falmouth is a nice community where it should be fairly easy to make friends if you enjoy surfing.

I was also going to suggest a part of the UK where surfing is popular. Then language barrier will be removed.

Cornwall could be good, but the job market is tough unless you can find WFH role.

South coast (Falmouth side) has surf but not big surf, North coast has bigger surf but more tourists.

But there are villages along the north coast like St Agnes, which is especially lovely, that have a thriving scene all year round with lots of actual residents. You'd just need to explore.

What about Portugal?

Portugal? Big surf scene and loads of digital nomads/ remote workers.

Agree with PP's - Nazare in Portugal?

This sounds miserable. Where feels most like 'home' to you? I would go there.

I'm in my 30s and left the UK around 14 years ago so a similar situation to you. I have been in a Spanish speaking country for 7 years now and feel like integration has pretty much failed. I have a stable job and a stable home and a good school for my child but I have often thought about going back to the UK.

Like you, I'm lonely but struggle to meet people and make connections. There is a lot of immigration here and a big international community but a lot of it seems to be people in their early 20s who are just trying things out and move on after a few years or even a few months. I have found it very hard to establish a solid friendship group.

I have ruled out going back to the UK because I would start off as homeless and unemployed which is not a particularly appealing situation with a child in tow. I think the UK today is very different from the UK that we left 15 years ago and I am unsure how easy it would be to build a life in the current climate in the UK. It's not a place that I would go back to.

A friend recently told me that Australia had raised the upper age limit for a work and travel visa and he applied and took off pretty quickly. I know a lot of people who went the work and travel route and have ended up long term in Australia. If you don't have children and are younger than 35 maybe it could be an option for you.

I have surfing friends in Scarborough. Equally Guatemala surfing is awesome and people speak English there too. But wherever you decide you could work online by day and also in a bar at night for the social interactions....?

Yeah it is miserable! Unfortunately, nowhere feels like home anymore. I have lived in 12 different places (in 7 different countries) in the last 18 years. I am foreign everywhere! I have a few friends in each place I’ve lived, but they all moved on since I left. And I have a few friends who I met in one country but they have now moved on somewhere I’ve never been to. Even my family have all moved out of the village I grew up in. I am truly rootless.

In that case I would come up with a list of what I needed from a place to be happy I.e surfing, small community, whatever it might be, and then do a list of things I needed practically to live for example good transport links, ability to work in financial services, rent under £750 a month etc and see if I could do a Venn diagram to work out where I could live that would meet most of my needs….but based on what you have said I definitely wouldn’t stay put!

I wouldn't consider Australia a step up from the UK. It's better for NHS employees such as doctors (better pay and working conditions) but has a massive housing crisis. In desirable areas, with the potential to make friends which OP wants, not the middle of nowhere obviously. I have family there, quite a few people who recently moved, and it's a nightmare.

OP you need to have a think about the kind of life you actually want. A lot of people would love your life - but they're 'digital nomads. Constantly travelling, meeting people and then moving on. It sounds like you're starting to want to put down roots and have actual friends.

As a PP said can you make a list of what's most important to you? You like surfing, but are 'surfing' places full of community, or people who are more nomadic?

Personally I think cities have lots of 30 somethings who, even if they're not single, don't have kids and so have the free time/bandwidth to make new friends. Failing that, a FT job? It's difficult to say as IMO you have a lot of competing priorities.

I can't really add much to the previous posts, there's some great advice, but one thing crossed my mind about the surfing.

Is it genuinely something you are passionate enough about for it to be central to any new move? Or has it just become such a big part of your life because of the lack of other things you want?

Either way, I think you absolutely should move. You aren't happy where you are, so it seems a no brainer. How have you previously chosen where and when to move? Is there any commonalities between the places you have loved living that can help you choose your next home?

Have a look at Dunbar on the coast near Edinburgh. It has surfing and is said to be a nice place to live, 30 mins on the train to Edinburgh.

You want somewhere where you can surf nearly all the year round, so that would rule out the UK, or most of northern Europe.

What about somewhere in the Canary Islands? They are warm all year, have international people living there, and you could work a s a surf instructor and also keep practicing your Spanish.

Alternatively, the Philippines has some surfing, is very cheap for living expenses, and you could pick up some work teaching, etc.

I think you should just come back to the UK. If you are single, why would you need to work full time to live? If you are happy in a small place or even renting a room in a shared house you could work part time . Have you thought about Bristol? It's lively with lots of work opportunities, not too expensive. Not by the sea, but I think if you go by the sea it will either be costly or remote neither of which are ideal.

Lots of good advice here, OP.

I think moving to the UK would be a good idea for you, but only if that's what you want.
In the UK there will be no language barrier, and you do have relatives in the UK, even if they don't all live in the same area as each other.

(I just wanted to write that I am really impressed by how you've been handling your situation in Chile - you have hade many challenges, but you have really tried to make the best of it, you have been social and you have made friends.)

Is there any particular area/city in the UK that you feel more connected too?

Good luck, I wish you all the best!

It takes time to build lasting friendships and without a partner and kids is more difficult. I am not sure I would go back to the UK in your situation; you don’t seem to have many friends or family there either. Portugal is a good option.

Have you tried joining some other clubs? Improve your Spanish? Go university or a face to face course in Chile? I think you should give yourself at least 2 years in a country.

Loads of good advice here already.

But I would also ask if you have heard of / given the Hash House Harriers a go? It's in pretty much every country and is made up of expats and locals getting together very often to run / walk trails and then drink beer / have dinner.

I was an expat for 10 years in 4 countries and made my best friends (and met my DH) via the Hash.

Depending on the 'culture' of each hash it can be a bit boozy or blokey but I've really loved all the ones I have been in.

But it's awful feeling lonely in a foreign country. xxx

Australia? Great surfing and climate. Lots of people from all over the world. I'm in coastal NSW which is stunning. Have a look at Newcastle or Wollongong - large enough to be somewhat diverse, but quite a bit cheaper than Sydney.

Isle of Tiree!

I have lots of relatives in Chile, although I’ve never been there. It’s a very family centred society and still quite Catholic, from what I gather. Maybe the only way to truly fit in, is to marry in, and even then it’s not a given. It’s also at the other side of the world. I understand your family has left the original village but if you came back to the U.K. you would be a lot closer to them. Maybe give it another year but if things don’t improve look at coming back.