Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Living overseas

Whether you're considering emigrating or an expat abroad, you'll find likeminds on this forum.

Original poster

Cancelled NZ opportunity?

22 replies

Shouldistayorshouldigonow85 · 14/01/2024 21:16

Hi
my husband was offered a job with good money and relocation package from uk to nz.
we decided to go for it, and realised that opportunities like these don’t come around very often, but as it became more real and things were starting to take off re organising the move (with three young kids and a dog also) I panicked and thought perhaps I’d miss the uk and the familiarity and the kids schools being disrupted bothered me as well as knowing in my heart that I didn’t want to live permanently on the other side of the world.
we have a lovely house here, mortgaged, the kids are in good schools, we do have some disposable income but not a lot after all the bills are paid etc, we have help with the children, I just can’t shake the feeling that we’ll regret the decision not to go when things get tough or expensive or whatever and perhaps we’ve ultimately made a mistake by not going… I feel so torn, I feel like I’ve let my husband down as he was so keen,
I suppose I’m just after thoughts, reassurance, I don’t know 😫

OP posts:
nottaotter · 14/01/2024 21:21

I would say go for it, these feelings sound like last minute wobbles. Worst case scenario you come back. You will always be thinking what if, if you don't go.

whirlyhead · 15/01/2024 06:51

My parents emigrated to NZ when I was a child and I’m glad they did. I had opportunities I wouldn’t have had in England, plus I now have 2 countries I can live in.

but my mother did find it hard and it took her years to settle down. Nowadays with zoom etc it’s much easier to keep in touch with people but it wouldn’t be an easy move, and it would take you years to acclimatise so I don’t blame you for not going.

Galectable · 15/01/2024 07:11

If the opportunity is still there I'd go! NZ is a great place to bring up children (unless you're in Auckland with a very long daily commute). Don't be a handbrake on your DHs dreams. Your dreams are important too, but sometimes you just need to take a leap of faith. How old are your children? Some settle better than others.

AgentProvocateur · 15/01/2024 07:14

You’re more likely to regret not going than going. Are you planning to sell your house or rent it out? It’s natural to have cold feet, but what an adventure for you all. And NZ is amazing.

rookiemere · 15/01/2024 07:16

Why is your DH so keen to move to NZ?

It sounds like you have a good life here - having 3 DCs settled in good schools is no mean feat.

Cost of living is expensive in NZ I doubt you would be able to save any more than you do here. I believe you did the right thing not going.

Justfinking · 15/01/2024 07:17

Going against the grain. My parents moved cities (not countries) so I was away from family after age 7. I still resent them for that now as I feel I missed out on all that quality time, I have a pining to move back but I've now built my life here and wish we had stayed there with our big, lovely family. As an adult now with a child myslef I'm starting to feel a bit of resentment towards them for being so selfish and not thinking of me and my sister (who was older than me and did move back). In saying that if you think your children will prefer the change then of course go for it.

petticuliar · 15/01/2024 07:24

rookiemere · 15/01/2024 07:16

Why is your DH so keen to move to NZ?

It sounds like you have a good life here - having 3 DCs settled in good schools is no mean feat.

Cost of living is expensive in NZ I doubt you would be able to save any more than you do here. I believe you did the right thing not going.

Depends on the job. Some jobs pay SO much more in NZ than here. And the cost of living in the UK is similar to NZ. Somethings cost more. Some less. One huge thing is the lifestyle. So many options to do things as a family outdoors for free. Not many like that here in the uk. Everything costs here.

OP where in NZ would you be going? Where in the UK do you live? These make a huge difference

petticuliar · 15/01/2024 07:26

Justfinking · 15/01/2024 07:17

Going against the grain. My parents moved cities (not countries) so I was away from family after age 7. I still resent them for that now as I feel I missed out on all that quality time, I have a pining to move back but I've now built my life here and wish we had stayed there with our big, lovely family. As an adult now with a child myslef I'm starting to feel a bit of resentment towards them for being so selfish and not thinking of me and my sister (who was older than me and did move back). In saying that if you think your children will prefer the change then of course go for it.

Let it go. Your parents did what they thought was best at the time. You can't hold resentments like this. It harms no one but you.
You are looking at what you lost but not factoring in what you gained. There must be things you gained as you stayed and settled where you are. If it was awful you would have moved.

bluechicky · 15/01/2024 07:28

If you've already cancelled the move then it's done. There's no point dwelling on it.

BendingSpoons · 15/01/2024 07:30

Just because it is offered doesn't mean you have to take it. I would love to visit NZ. I wouldn't relocate there. There are loads of good things about it but for me having family nearby is something I'm not willing to compromise on. My children are having a great childhood and part of that is seeing grandparents and cousins. We are happy with our life now, it doesn't need to change!

Justfinking · 15/01/2024 07:31

petticuliar · 15/01/2024 07:26

Let it go. Your parents did what they thought was best at the time. You can't hold resentments like this. It harms no one but you.
You are looking at what you lost but not factoring in what you gained. There must be things you gained as you stayed and settled where you are. If it was awful you would have moved.

Show quote history

Yeah I get that so trying not to dwell on it, and they're good parents. I'm just trying to offer a different perspective if OP is close with family and they all see each other often, I don't think you can beat that. Also, the only reason I didn't move is I met my DH who doesn't like that city so didn't want to move there, I'm still seriously considering it now although there's aspects that I don't like either but I miss not having my family around and now my DC miss out too. We just went there for Christmas and it confirms to me how much we are missing out on (which other people may not be bothered about)

Lifesd · 15/01/2024 10:41

We are second week into our move to Australia - the stress of it has been unbelievable but now I’m here I feel such immense relief - like we are embarking on a whole new chapter and life.

Original poster
Shouldistayorshouldigonow85 · 16/01/2024 10:54

Thanks for your replies.

we live near the New Forest south of England and we would be moving to Hamilton NZ.
The money for husbands new job is good and would mean I wouldn’t need to work (although I will for my own sanity and independence) but I think I can’t shake that it will be me ultimately that is doing all childcare/school holidays (without any family support) whilst husband is working. Sometimes three children and a dog feels like a lot of work when I am on my own or having one of those days where they’re scrapping or no one is listening. No doubt we will make some friends and could find a paid babysitter so we get time together. But I’m not sure it’s the same as having that immediate support network.

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 16/01/2024 11:17

Shouldistayorshouldigonow85 · 16/01/2024 10:54

Thanks for your replies.

we live near the New Forest south of England and we would be moving to Hamilton NZ.
The money for husbands new job is good and would mean I wouldn’t need to work (although I will for my own sanity and independence) but I think I can’t shake that it will be me ultimately that is doing all childcare/school holidays (without any family support) whilst husband is working. Sometimes three children and a dog feels like a lot of work when I am on my own or having one of those days where they’re scrapping or no one is listening. No doubt we will make some friends and could find a paid babysitter so we get time together. But I’m not sure it’s the same as having that immediate support network.

I was going to encourage you to go until I saw it was Hamilton! I lived there for a while with Dh and our ds who was 7 at the time. It’s a bit of a depressing town (they call it a city I think). Around the lake is ok but bloody hell the town centre 😱
It has quite a deprived air about it. Dh was doing a locum job at the hospital, they begged him to stay permanently but I was very homesick. Also we weren’t impressed with the schools.
We did enjoy getting out at the weekends to the beaches though. We did a lot of travelling around whilst we were in NZ, and we much preferred the South Island.

petticuliar · 16/01/2024 15:42

Oh good grief not Hamilton. That's the place fun went to die.

cheezncrackers · 16/01/2024 15:49

Your fears sound completely justified to me. On MN an overseas move is always seen as being positive, but it's hard moving to a new place where you know no one and have no family and no support. I don't think I'd do it with small kids and a dog. It can be really lonely and that's the thing no one tells you.

Boonmoon · 16/01/2024 15:51

You live in a beautiful area, I wouldn’t leave that for Hamilton no. I love New Zealand for visiting, it’s really beautiful. But for me that’s not a big enough draw for leaving family behind. I guess if this opportunity hadn’t come up, would you have ever considered emigrating? It sounds like you have a lovely life where you are now! On the other hand a year adventure I’d consider, depending on the ages of the kids (if it doesn’t have to be Hamilton!)

Galectable · 22/01/2024 16:44

It is very hard when your husband is so keen but you see the potential problems with losing your network as a mother. Perhaps be willing to consider a move but be very fussy about the destination. Hamilton NZ is not worth it in my opinion. Mumsnet feedback is pretty spot on.

MumUndone · 22/01/2024 16:53

NZ is a fantastic place to visit and extremely beautiful but personally I couldn't live there as not as much to do / going on as here, and I'd get bored. Definitely wouldn't leave a good house/schools/job/life near the New Forest.

MissyB1 · 22/01/2024 17:30

MumUndone · 22/01/2024 16:53

NZ is a fantastic place to visit and extremely beautiful but personally I couldn't live there as not as much to do / going on as here, and I'd get bored. Definitely wouldn't leave a good house/schools/job/life near the New Forest.

Main reason we came back to UK was that we knew we were getting bored in NZ. There’s only so much outdoorsy stuff you want to do.

ElliesMum16 · 22/01/2024 17:33

I think if you're swapping the New Forest for Hamilton you might be disappointed...

Coldupnorth7 · 22/01/2024 17:35

We nearly moved to Canada, cancelled it just before final visa issue, which had taken years.

No regrets. Moved in the UK instead and with everything that's happened since, it was the right thing to do for us.

There are no right or wrong decisions, only different paths in lives. What's for you will not pass you by!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page