Should we go?!

[Teapleasemilknosugar]

DH has an opportunity to move and work abroad (again). Last time, it was just the 2 of us, with no assets and we weren't married. I quit everything to move with him (across the globe) and his expat package supported the both of us. I got a job after about 6w there in a totally different career path. We went out a lot, holidayed a lot, ate out and socialised a lot. Had time to learn the lingo, do cookery classes, whatever we fancied. We had a blast.

This time, we're married, with 2 young children (3 and 7m), I have a permanent part time job I love and we are in the midst of doing up our family home at a cost of many thousands. Both our sets of parents are in aging ill-health and unlikely to travel to visit us like they did and could last time.

This time we'll be closer (1hr time difference instead of 9hr). Cost of living will be cheaper than where we currently live. We don't currently live near family so don't get any help there, but we see them every 4-6weeks, ish.

I'm not keen to quit everything again, especially with kids in tow. Last time we repatriated back to the UK, DH fell into a deep year long depression with suicidal tendencies and it was exhausting for me to care for him then, before kids. I don't want to put the kids through having to live with that although there's no certainty things will repeat themselves as then.

It's the next natural step for DH career within his company. It would be another backwards step for me, again.

I'm so confused what to do for the best for the kids. The 7m won't know any different but the 3yo absolutely will.

WWYD?

If the opportunity was taken away tomorrow would you be relieved or gutted?

I'd be relieved but my DH would be gutted!

Hard to make a judgement without knowing the countries involved.

Oudenaarde in Belgium.
Currently based in South east UK.

It sounds like it could be quite beneficial for your 3yo, get some early exposure to other languages etc, but it's close enough that one option would be for your DH to go and commute home weekly?

I was ready to tell you my story of living abroad with similar age kids until I got to the depression part. For that reason I would say no.
When we came back to the UK, ex had 2 weeks off to move then commuted to the UK office of the same company so it was pretty seamless.

This has also crossed my mind, for us to stay and DH to commute for the week. I'm not sure he'd go for it though.

As an outsider looking in, I’d say no.

You seem like a supportive partner who has already made a number of huge sacrifices to facilitate his career (an international move, supporting his mental health).

Your own job and career is important too- it’s not easy finding a flexible, part time job that you genuinely love.

I think part of DHs trigger last time we repatriated was him having nothing lined up for when we returned so he had no focus and hugely struggled as a result (whereas I'd prepared)! I'm hopeful that he'll have learnt from that experience though....or is that naive thinking?

Could you tell me of your experience with 2 similar aged kids abroad any way?

We went with our 3 and 1 year old to Germany 20 years ago. We lived in a town and ex (my h at the time ) worked.
We didn’t speak German but put the kids in local kindergarten. They picked up the language after 6 months and according to our neighbours even had a local accent when they spoke. The local kindergarten was great, ratios were low and they had great equipment and facilities.
On weekends and holidays we travelled. Lots of outdoor places to explore and easy to pop over the borders to other countries- for example our nearest beach was in the Netherlands. We participated in local festivals and customs like leaving shoes out for St Nicholas and carried on British customs like collecting conkers in the park which often led to questions from the local people.
We returned when the kids were 6,4 and 1 (had a baby there) Going from Kindergarten to year 1 was a bit of a shock but he picked up reading and writing pretty quickly and caught up by year 2. In retrospect I think that age 6 made him developmentally ready to learn reading and writing quickly.

Have you ever been there? What’s it like? Well connected and international or small town and parochial? French speaking (useful) or Flemish speaking (not so much)?

We did the travel expat thing too for 6 years and came home with DC. DH did struggle to settle down. I wouldn’t have done it again with young children as I wanted to settle and I got sick of constantly having to build new relationships.

Also ~ Belgium? Can’t see that has the appeal of weather, culture, food, landscape - happy to be corrected.

@theresnolimits yeah I think that's exactly how I feel about it now, wanting to settle and not have to build relationships over and over. Been there done that kind of feeling, maybe.

Is there is any chance you could live nearer Brussels? Brussels has lots going on for English speakers including potential employment opportunities depending on sector and visa status. Belgium is a fairly good country to live with children as lots of activities, holiday clubs, good healthcare and interesting places to visit. Childcare is more affordable than the U.K. as well.
I think it could be quite tough to live in/near Oudenaarde as there is probably not a large international community whereas Brussels and surroundings can be very diverse. Also living near Brussels would enable access to international schools if that is something you wanted if the posting to Belgium is not long-term.

So we had a good chat about it, including some of the points raised here, and agreed that because the role doesn't have a clearly defined end point (it sounds indefinite, not like a 2y setting up a new branch office or the like), and then subsequently no next step upon returning to the UK, we've decided to forgo it. DH then piped up that he didn't even like the area and wasn't keen on it enough to commute home here to the UK for the weekends. Why he didn't say that initially when he told me about I'll never know 🤦

Thanks for your help 🙏

Each relocation comes with its own set of advantages and disadvantages. Whatever you decide, there will be aspects that bring you joy and others that you may come to regret.

Yes agree. It wouldn't be our first expatriate experience, nor the last I think. But the time and the place and the offering has to be right.

Reverse culture shock is real, and I won't make the move back to the UK again (I live in France) so I'm not surprised your DH found it difficult. My DH lived overseas for years and found our joint stint in the UK incredibly hard.

FWIW I loved Belgium when I lived over the border in the Netherlands. Fantastic food and beer, awesome shopping, fabulous culture, beautiful cities. Bruges, Ghent and Antwerp are all wonderful. I was less keen on Brussels (except for the food) but that's personal taste