Did we miss our chance to leave the UK?

[Huffledor]

DH and I were seriously thinking of moving abroad (to northern/central Europe) after Brexit, but then Covid happened. DC are now 10 and 12 and it feels like it could be a really hard age to move kids.

Both are very bright but they have some mild special needs and don't speak any other languages, but have shown interest in learning languages. Neither has got a big set of friends but they do feel settled and we'd be leaving everything that's familiar to them. Part of me thinks they'd be fine and quickly adapt, but part of me worries they'd be at a massive disadvantage academically.

DH and I have moved around a lot. We loved the UK when we first moved here 15 years ago, but the future seems so much less promising now. But uprooting our children feels so risky. Is it too late for such a big change given that our youngest will start secondary next year?

Go now! Try it for 2 years. Takes 2 years to get used to somewhere anyway. You can always come back for the eldest one to embark on the misery of GCSEs!! Try The Netherlands or Portugal. 12 is a good age… 14 harder….

I'm in a similar situation, similar ages and concerns. But we are swaying towards going too, as PP said, try it for a year or two. I think regretting not doing something is harder to live with. Have you looked into home ed/online ed with part time local school options depending on country? That would support their education until they learn the language and give them some gradual socialisation.

It's not too late.

But I'd look very carefully at where you are going. Some state systems are much better than others at working with kids who don't have the local language and throwing them in at the deep end is unlikely to end well.

I'm assuming you have EU citizenship of some kind? Otherwise much much more paperwork.

Honestly I think you've missed your window. My parents moved myself and my brother overseas when we were 4 and 2 and we were fine. They then moved us to another country again at 11 and 9 and we hated it. It was very difficult to break into established friendship groups, everything was different, clothes, food, TV, I'm 46 now and still live in the area we moved to but still feel like an outsider and we moved to a country that spoke the same language 💐

We see quite a few movers with adolescents at our kids school in France (it's a bilingual school) and unless they already have goodish French or another romance language they find it pretty much impossible to reach a high enough level to do french qualifications even with the schools support - there's always the IB of course so it's not impossible.

The ones who've moved for their parents work are usually pretty resentful at the upheaval - it is more difficult socially at senior school level for sure.

However if you can see a clear path to school qualifications based on English and can find a school with offers a good level of support for movers and your kids actually want to go then why not?

It will make their teenage years a lot more interesting!

Ask your children?

My dad was offered an amazing job in NZ when I was 12. DM and he decided to leave it up to me (with DM thinking I wouldn’t want to go). I jumped at it.
We didn’t end up going as DM was upset she would never see her sisters again. 🤦🏼‍♀️

We are making the move in 4 weeks with an 11 and 13 year old - it is hard but believe it will be worth it!

If you have EU passports and settle status, I would ask the children how they feel about it. If they agree, I'd give it a go in the knowledge that you can come back

I think it's much easier for your DC to make friends and pick up the language when they are small. As they get older it's more difficult to make friends if you don't speak the language. What are the job opportunities in the country you hope to move to? Ex police service friends moved to Portugal when their son was at high school. He's really struggled and works as a waiter now. Think of further education too. Will they want to come back to the UK to study?

My best friend moved to Germany aged 11. Didn't speak the local language at all. Had a little pocket dictionary with her at all times and went to school, clubs etc. Within 6 months she was fluent. Where there's a will, there's a way. As long as you immerse yourself in the local culture and language it's possible and not too late.

My view is, it's easier for kids to make friends when they are presented with a set of people (new class) and forced to spend a lot of time with them. The older they are, the harder it gets... Jump in with both feet. You don't get to go back and do life again, so you may as well give it a shot!

That's the age my 2 were when I moved from UK to Australia. I wouldn't have done it if it meant them having to learn a foreign language though.

Sport helped them settle. As did having extended family. 4 years later they love it here and wouldn't dream of moving anywhere else.

It doesn't sound as though you are necessarily moving 'home' though? And if you are only planning for it to be temporary then you've missed the boat. If you want them to have the opportunity of further education in the UK then they need to have resided for 3 years prior to uni etc to pay local fees. Unless they would count as locals where you move to.

You don't say 8f you have EU passports or not op? It sounds from your post that you moved here (UK) from somewhere else? If this is the case I would all get British passports before you go anywhere just in case you want to come back.

11 would be my cut off. There is some scientific basis, apparently the brain retains the ability to create a ne language centre up to the age of 11, after this the 2 languages need to share the same part of the brain so you are never really truly bi-lingual.

It also coincides in most countries with a move to secondary school. After which trying to learn a new language at the same time as keeping up with lessons becomes very hard.

Obviously some people do it and sometimes it works, but I wouldn't choose it for my DC.

@Frenchfancy hi, as a languages teacher with an interest in bilingualism do you have a link to this research? 🙂

OP - I think this depends on which country and what provision they would have for your childrens special needs. Do you and your DP speak any other languages? Would you be prepared to invest extra time and money in helping your children to learn the language by getting a tutor or learning together?

Thanks for all the replies. It's been a busy month so I'm only catching up now.

Sadly, I think we probably have missed our chance for a number of reasons. I think the upheaval for our two children might be too much. One has been diagnosed with autism and the other is probably autistic too. They're pretty 'high functioning' but change is hard, especially for the older one, who has finally settled into secondary in a very positive way after a turbulent start. We're only beginning to understand what to fight for in terms of support at school and having to start over in a new country with a new language feels daunting, even though both kids have shown an interest in languages and DP and I are always keen to learn a new one.

The point @OrderOfTheKookaburra made, about needing to be in the UK for three years before uni to qualify for local uni fees also gave me pause. Thanks for mentioning that. I'm not sure I want to risk 'trying' a place for a year or two and then, if it doesn't work out, coming back here and not being able to afford university. It might also be hard to get back into our current school given how over subscribed it is.

We have UK and EU passports, so that was never an issue. We were mainly considering countries with newcomer classes to help the kids learn the new language. We know families who have moved to the Netherlands and Norway and had good experiences, but one went when the kids were much younger. The other is doing it with a 13yo but he is a compliant child and doesn't have special needs.

Jobwise, DP is a self-employed consultant, so he'd probably be fine, but I think it would be hard for me to find something as good as I have now. It would possibly introduce a level of uncertainty that I don't have much appetite for right now, unfortunately.

I feel like life in the UK has really deteriorated in the past 8-10 years and I do regret not leaving, but things feel so complicated now and I'm nearly 50 and I think I probably just need to make peace with where we are in life at the moment and make the best of it here. A more local move (from suburb to town) might be possible in a year or two and I think that could make a big difference in how I'm feeling about life here.

It was really helpful to hear everyone's perspectives and think through it all. Thank you!

Octoflob I am interested which country did you move to?
I also think you have missed the window if it for a country with a different language but if you were going to put them in an International school say in Asia, that could work

I moved to the UK at 15, without speaking any English.

I won't lie, it was incredibly hard, lonely, and isolating for the first 2 years. I cried and cried that I wanted to go back to my home country.

After 2 years I was fluent in English, made friends, and let go of the idea of going back.

Now in my 30s, I'm so grateful for my parents that we moved. It was the best decision in my life (that was made for me).

@Huffledor - glad to help. A lot of people forget (or never knew) about the 3 year requirement which is why I mention it on threads like these.

I suspect it would also impact on student loans so would make study impossible for lots of people.

@Huffledor could you do something cool as a family and have a few months or year out of ‘the system’? I know someone who’s been a digital nomad for a year, homeschooled their kids and went travelling. They all loved it, became much closer as a family and built amazing memories.

Where are you both from? Can't you move there and then they will feel at home?

UK to Australia then back again. I've also lived in Japan and even in an international school if you've not been brought up in these environments it would be very difficult for them to fit in at this age. It's a really difficult one. My DH and I were considering a move into Europe next year but with our kids now 5 and 7 and settled in school we've decided against it, should have done it 5 years ago 🤦 if I knew now what I knew then I'd have made the move 🤷‍♀️

Are you back in the UK now? Do you wish your parents had stayed in Aus?

I've been back in the UK for years, I used to wish they had but it's been a long time now and I'm happy overall with how life's turned out 🤷‍♀️

Glad to hear it worked out for you x