How do you deal with missing milestone events back home when living overseas?

[Talulah29]

I just wanted to see how others living overseas tend to ‘deal’ with missing milestone events back home, such as weddings or other special events?
We are relatively new to living overseas and have the first few events coming up back home that we can’t attend so that mixed with the homesickness/ what have we done feeling is quite hard to stomach at the moment.
I know in some ways we have to suck it up as we made the decision to move overseas but it’s hard feeling a mixture of guilt/ sadness/ they’re going to have an amazing day regardless of whether we’re there or not/ will they feel differently about us for not being there 😞

I think it depends how far away you are. From Europe it's been easy for me to fly back into the UK for special events (big birthdays, stage performances) if I can. But I don't suffer from FOMO or homesickness as a rule.

It depends on why you moved overseas in the first place. I moved away for many reasons and the main one was issues with my family due to their conservative views.
I love not being expected to attend those events and was absolutely in clover during Lockdown as going to my country of origin is very stressful for me.

Thanks both, interesting to hear other people’s experiences. I hope you are both enjoying life in the new countries you are living in.

For us it was to experience something different, a different type of lifestyle and to try something we have wanted to do for many years. We are in Australia so despite trying to convince ourselves otherwise, we can’t just ‘pop’ back to share in these experiences.

I was the reverse, in the UK with family in Australia.

Luckily for me we didn't have loads of events, but some, like my DSis's wedding, she booked well in advance so that I could get there. Once DC came along it got harder to 1) afford and 2) do it without missing school etc, and I missed out a lot.

In the end I returned home with my DC and they are loving all of the family get togethers that they had missed out on previously.

In the end you have to accept that the distance means that you miss out in the events, and yes, everyone just gets in and had fun without you, and they get more and more used to you not being a part of it, so you won't even hear about some things, just see the photos on social media.

If this move is permanent, you have to make a "replacement" family for yourself, fill your life with friends so that you and your DC don't spend your time feeling sad and regretful.

Thanks @OrderOfTheKookaburra. Some of it is timing which I know can’t be helped. We have only been here a few months and have a wedding happening imminently which sadly we have to miss. There’s nothing else ‘booked’ at the moment apart from a new baby joining the family later in the year.
We could have tried to get back for the wedding (at an eye wateringly expensive cost) however do have a small DC to consider who may have found going ‘home’ so soon confusing and also how do you then decide what to go back for and what not to. It wouldn’t have been possible to go back again in another few months time. It’s not a short journey away that you can make regularly so as you say I think you do have to accept that missing things will be part of it.

I’m not sure if it will be a forever move but do know we should give it a good go and perhaps at least try and get our citizenship in a few years time. It’s a struggle thinking of our DC not growing up around family/ long term friends that we love so I think we just need to see where life takes us and everyone over the next couple of years before deciding.

How long did you stay in the UK for?

FaceTime!

I've been pretty sad this last year missing multiple 'big' family events, including a graduation and my grandparents' anniversary. I watched the graduation on YouTube and FaceTimed the family afetrwards and during my grandparents' party as well.

It's definitely not the same as being there in person but flights are $800-1200 a person back to the UK from here so it'll have to do. Next year I'm planning on being more organized and using my flight miles to attend at least one family event next year!.

But in general it just makes me sad.

Speaking as a child who's parents moved away from family, you should give this consideration if you are close and there are lots of cousins (although if your DC are young then it might not matter as they won't know any different). We moved away when I was 9 from all my cousins who I was close to and grew up with. I really resent my parents as I missed out on so much and now my own DC misses out as the next generation too.

@SoCalLiving sending hugs. How long have you been overseas for?

I feel sad too. Many people say to me about it being early days, which it is, but I don’t know if I’ll ever not feel that sadness.

Flights have increased so much havent they. I looked at us all going back, granted short notice as I wasn’t looking in advance but it was around $4000 each!!

We are in Australia too and I think you just have to accept that you won't be able to attend much, the flights are so expensive. My husband has missed out on more than me as I am an only child, including his brother's wedding and funeral, so its not easy at times. But I think its just something you need to accept when you move so far away, for us its worth it, YMMV.

I totally understand you feeling that way and it is something I think about. Sometimes I wish I could stop thinking 🙈

Our DC is 2 and is the first DC on both sides. The first cousin will be born later this year. We have quite small families but they all love DC and we have some wonderful friends (who are actually like family) with their own DC who we love dearly and they also love our DC.

I don’t know if I want our DC to rarely see these people. I think we do have the benefit at the moment that DC is so young but that won’t be the case forever.

It would be perfect if we could pick everyone up and move them here but that’s not reality is it.

Did you remain where your parents moved you to or did you ever return?

@alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 sorry to hear that for your husband.
You are right about accepting it. We made the choice to move so do have to accept that it is the other side of the world and naturally we are going to miss things.

I suppose it’s either that or don’t accept it and change it.

I’m glad it’s been a good move for you. How long have you been here?

Thank you! And thank you for starting this thread, I mostly feel sorry for myself so it's honestly nice to have these frank conversations with other people that share the same experience.

We have several British friends here who rarely go back, but most of them have SOs that are from here so they have in laws etc close by (not the same but it's better than nothing). In general they don't really talk about missing family etc, so it often feels like I can't talk about this with them!

We've been abroad since 2019. I actually lived in France for a while way back when but it was very easy to pop back to the UK and it wasn't a long-term posting so even when I did miss things it didn't feel like it would be forever! This time abroad it's felt very different!

We love our life here, we don't know if it's permanent yet as we've got 2 years left on our visa and aren't sure if we'll be able to renew, or depends on new work contracts! I don't think we'll ever purposefully choose to return to the UK unless a job offer in unbeatable, but if we can't stay in the US we'll probably head to mainland Europe where at least we'll be a little closer to family!

I'm still so sad about flight price increases! Just before COVID-19 I managed to get a $300 USD flight return to the UK and now i can never get it below $600! :( Nothing in comparison to getting from Aus to the UK though, so you have my sympathies!

I feel like you can accept the situation but still be sad about it. I certainly love my life abroad and do accept I won't always be there for family events, but it still makes me sad when I see the pictures of the whole family together!

Unfortunately I didn't return because then I grew up and married someone who didn't want to move. I've always really missed my family, and cousins and then their kids growing up and now I have one myself I feel we've missed out on so much. I try not to dwell on it, but now I wonder why my parents did this to me (at risk of sounding dramatic). Obviously you've moved for some better opportunities so I think that's really important and if you make good friends that are like family then that might be fine. I think it is an important consideration, just because even as I get older myself I really miss my family and although I have friends, I feel family is different. Blood is thicker than water and all that.

I find when in these situations you have to ask yourself do the benefits of living where you do, overseas from family, outweigh the negatives I.e. missing special occasions sometimes?

In our case despite missing some of these events, they overwhelmingly do but one day there may come a time when they don't, in which case we will have to move closer.

It can be hard to see your family together without you or to feel like you are missing out on the occasions but the ties that bind are still there.

Equally when you do eventually travel back you may feel frustrated that family treat it like you've just popped over from 5 minutes away, not realising you've spent a fair whack and used up your annual leave to do so

I was in the UK for 2 decades. My DC were 8 and 10 when I made the decision to move back - although in fairness life there going to shit helped the decision along.

I was newly single, with absolutely no support and my ex had destroyed me financially so I would have to have moved anyway as I couldn't afford to continue living where I was. I figure if I was moving away from all of my and my DC's friends I may as well go back to Australia and am bloody glad I did.

I’ve lived (very far!) away from my home country with my DH for 13 years, had 2 DC abroad.

I completely understand how you feel. I hate to tell you, but the homesickness never really goes away. It’s not just events, it’s watching your DC grow up not knowing your country or nationality, and being more like the country you live in. That’s been hard for me.

However, I don’t have the same family situation. Our siblings and their DC are scattered abroad, and the parents are all very mobile and visit often. So I don’t feel like my DC are missing out of relationships with their cousins, because no one is located in one place.

For events, I agree with PP about FaceTime. We’ve face timed into many events over the years. We get dressed up, make a drink at home, and try to participate as much as possible.

Whats also helped us is making really good friends here. I have so many people in my life that I love, so most of the events (weddings, babies, birthdays etc.) happen here for us now. E.g. our best friends just had their first baby and we’ll be going to meet him in a few days.

Good luck to you OP. ❤️

I have been in Australia for 15 yrs.
I have missed some events due to timing, cost other commitments here e.g. had a final exam for my masters when my dad 70th was. We delayed the party for a week until I could arrive

Other things you do have to suck up and miss. You can have a "mirror" event e.g. a friends wedding I couldn't go to I went out for a nice dinner with friends and celebrated that way. I think the pandemic has made the access to technology so much easier and normal to have involved at events to live stream for people who can't attend.

Oh yeah I forgot about that 'timing' is always the awful thing.

Many a time I've gotten up at 5am etc. and pretended I wasn't in my PJs or exhausted to participate in family events aha!

I'm in the UK but hundreds of miles from my family, who mostly still live within 5 miles of where they grew up. I've also lived overseas in the past. I've missed weddings and even funerals as I couldn't always get there though the clincher for me was when I didn't get an invitation to my oldest nephew's wedding despite it being held around 30 miles from where I lived at the time (bride was from the next county over).

Over time I've got much less invested in their lives and they've mostly not given much if any thought to mine, including giving me hardly any support when I was seriously ill. My friends, cousins, and work colleagues were the ones who helped, not my immediate family and it belatedly taught me a harsh lesson about the fact my life was now elsewhere.

This year after discussion with my partner will be the last time I visit, but it's taken me many wasted years and many thousands of pounds to come to the realisation I was always the one doing all the work and trying to persuade myself we were closer than we are.

Obviously not every family is like this, yours might be different.

Im on the flip side of this. So one of my parents and their partner moved across the world away from all family.

Ngl it still hurts. They have missed the birth of their first grandchild, are going to be missing the birth of their second grandchild in a few weeks. My child doesn't know them and was very shy and nervous around them the two times they have met.

They missed my wedding. They have missed both myself and my brother graduating from undergrad and post grad degrees. Most importantly their sibling has terminal cancer and my parent has missed out on precious time with them.

After missing all of this they made the decision to move home. For them, missing out on family was not worth the lifestyle they had in another country.

I guess you have to decide, long term what is more important to you, your husband and your DC? Is it your life style in Australia and the things you love about it, or is it seeing family regularly back home?

We’ve been in the Middle East for nearly 15 years. We’ve made it back for all major events like my brother’s wedding, but I rarely go to ‘medium level’ events eg a 40th birthday, a christening etc

Honestly, I’m never that bothered - yes it’s nice to go to these things but on the few occasions I have done it, I always think ‘that was nice but I’m not sure it was worth the stress and expense!’

Tyrionapproach
I also took a while to realise that I was rather insignificant due to living abroad and it suits me fine.

We live abroad.
We go back for some but not all events. We are in Europe so if we know in advance we try to co ordinate our annual/ biannual return with work related stuff and say wedding at same time.

Its my grandmother funeral next week. We won’t be going. We visited last a month ago when she was already ill and in a home. That was our goodbye.

My technique is to look at the view, go to the beach, wander round the city, or whatever drew you to your location and basically remind yourself of why you went, why you’re there etc.

We wanted to add a chapter to our story. We wanted to experience a different language and/or culture. We knew there would be sacrifices along the way. Ultimately the benefits for us of our “new” location still far outweigh the sacrifices.