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Living overseas

Whether you're considering emigrating or an expat abroad, you'll find likeminds on this forum.

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Original poster

Mom and Kid Living in Different Countries

24 replies

StrugglingMom · 27/04/2023 11:30

Hi,

I am in a weird and strange situation here in UK.

I am from another country, don't have British citizenship. So I have kid who is 2 year old now. She was born here in England. She lived with us for over an year and after that I dropped her at my mother's place which is in another country(due to Visa issues) at the age of one. Now she is 2-year old and I can't express my grief to the fact that she is not living with us(me and my husband). However, we are trying to sort the visa issue out first and if I bring her back now, there is no one to look after her as I and my husband are working professionals(full-time). Also we cannot afford child care centers as it's much expensive for us.

I appreciate and consider any inputs for the aforementioned problem.

Many Thanks,
StrugglingMom

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 27/04/2023 11:32

If you want your child to live with you you need to make lifestyle changes for either the time to look after her yourself or the money to pay someone else to.
As things stand if you have no childcare she can’t live with you

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 27/04/2023 11:35

Can’t you go and live where your child is?

Why did you have a child that you can’t care for? It’s cruel and selfish.

AndTheSurveySays · 27/04/2023 11:38

Childcare is expensive for most people. You have to either pay it, work shifts around each other or one of you give up work.

Original poster

StrugglingMom · 27/04/2023 11:43

The reason I dropped at my mom's place is to search for a job as living or survival expenses in UK are too much for us that my husband's salary is not sufficient.
And I have recently got job and am earning for my child's sake for her better future (not counting at all for myself in it).

OP posts:

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 27/04/2023 11:50

But why stay here if your child can’t?

I can’t get my head around being without my child.

It’s expensive and your child isn’t with you. I don’t understand!

greyhairnomore · 27/04/2023 11:51

I don't understand the visa issues. ?

Original poster

StrugglingMom · 27/04/2023 11:59

So we have temporary visa to stay here in UK. I came on student visa and got extended for 2 years(which is almost about to expire in few months). Now fortunately, my husband's company sponsored him and switched to skilled work visa(which leads to British citizenship eventually). So now I can apply visa for my child as his dependent now, which means sorted the Visa thing for her.

OP posts:

negomi90 · 27/04/2023 12:12

You need to think really hard before you bring your child over. What you want (your child with you) may not be what's best for the child.
They will view your mum as their mum, that's who's raised them, that's who knows them. Taking them to a new country away from everything they've known to people who are (in a child's view) strangers/distant friendly people, away from their caregiver will be harmful. From a child's POV it would be no different to social services coming and taking them away and giving them to new adoptive parents. Bringing your child over needs to be gradual. You staying with your mum for months, getting your little one used to you and gradually doing more and more parenting. Or your mum coming with little one to help the transition, this would also help as it would mean less new strangers (childcare) in the initial phase.
Its all very well wanting your child with you, but you've been apart this long, you need to stop and think about developmental and attachment needs and your child's POV.

AndTheSurveySays · 27/04/2023 12:35

if I bring her back now, there is no one to look after her as I and my husband are working professionals(full-time). Also we cannot afford child care centers as it's much expensive for us

I take it that you don't have any recourse to public funds (benefits) here so can't claim childcare costs?

You need to think long and hard about if it's the right thing to bring your child here.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 27/04/2023 13:15

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 27/04/2023 11:35

Can’t you go and live where your child is?

Why did you have a child that you can’t care for? It’s cruel and selfish.

Drop your privilege and think a little.

You have no idea what country she is referring to or how her life was there so to make statements such as she is selfish is ridiculous. You think all those people trying to move to another country to improve their lives and give them children better futures are selfish? People dropping their kids at the US border because they know they will have better lives and in many cases be handed over to family members already in the US, I guess according to you they are all selfish right?

As a Brit you will most likely never have to deal with the process of getting a visa at so just chuck it if you have nothing better to say.

You do realize many of the people shipped to the UK to do the menial jobs you all look down on and don’t want to do have to leave their children right? Many of those care workers etc sometimes have to make the painful decisions to move first and settle down before sending for their kids. To label them selfish is frankly insulting.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 27/04/2023 13:16

greyhairnomore · 27/04/2023 11:51

I don't understand the visa issues. ?

And you will never understand it because you’re fortunate to have British passport.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 27/04/2023 13:20

@StrugglingMom personally I think this is the wrong place to ask for this type of advice. You will get a very black and white view from people who have literally no idea what you’re going through.

You’re better off finding people who are going through ot have gone through similar for advice as they will be able to relate better. While I was born in the UK my parents are Nigerian so I understand part of what you’re talking about. I don’t k or what country you’re from but can you find people from that community in the UK? They may be able to give more practical advice than what you will get in mumsnet.

greyhairnomore · 27/04/2023 13:30

@Cantstandbullshitanymore how do you know ?

Original poster

StrugglingMom · 27/04/2023 13:32

Thanks for understanding my situation @Cantstandbullshitanymore . Much appreciated, will be considering your advice, thanks again!

OP posts:

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 27/04/2023 13:34

greyhairnomore · 27/04/2023 13:30

@Cantstandbullshitanymore how do you know ?

Asking that question based on her post comes across as the average Brit saying what do you mean visa problem? I just go to the airport or get ESTA, what do you mean without recognizing they are fortunate and it’s not the same for everyone else.

If you do get it then I apologize. I was just upset after reading the other person accusing op of being selfish.

FridayNeverHesitate · 27/04/2023 15:09

For those accusing OP of being selfish, this is a common predicament for people in many parts of the world. Sometimes parents have to move to a wealthier country because if they have skills that are in demand there, they can save money to make a better life for their children in the home country (school fees, university education etc) to lift them out of poverty. It's not a decision that is made lightly and it's heartbreaking for most, but sometimes it's just the least worst option.

OP, it's very hard and I don't have much advice, except perhaps try to find other members of your diaspora who are living nearby that you like and trust, and who also have young children. If you can somehow arrange to work "opposite shifts" (you work nights, your friend works days for example), and your husbands can help too, you might between you be able to share the care of your children, so that would be free. And once your daughter is at school, it will be easier to manage. Good luck!

notfunnyhahaha · 27/04/2023 15:25

The situation the OP describes is what I've heard of in my job from the many HCAs and nurses imported from developing countries and then paid peanuts to work in central London hospitals.

People like her are working in our hospitals and care homes to look after our most vulnerable people, all while not being paid enough to keep their children with them, and doing so in order to give those children a better life. What a terrible choice to have to make.

LIZS · 27/04/2023 15:29

Are you allowed recourse to public funds and nhs treatment on your visa ? If so there is funding for early years which might cover some of your childcare costs from aged 2/3. Are you sure you are all better off in UK if money is still so tight several years on?

JellyBellies · 27/04/2023 15:30

Are you paying off any debts or sending money to relatives? Is this why you cannot survive on 1 salary? Or do you live in a very expensive part of the UK?

While your child is young and you have to pay for child care , it's like living on one salary. But it is worth it. Please bring you child back ilas ason as possible and accept the fact that you have to survive on his salary for a few years. You should carry on working with you child in childcare so that once your child is in school, you are also in a good place career wise.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 27/04/2023 15:34

Would it be possible to work out any savings you could make financially so that you could manage on less hours around your husband's shifts?
(Not advice I would typically give, but he needs to work for his visa).

For example, and I know rented places are thin on the ground, but keeping an eye on gumtree for a cheaper place to live might free up some money.

Getting used to using less central heating might help with bills.

Keeping your eye out for work you could do from home might be another option, or work with shifts that mean you can work when your husband is home.

Or sometimes people make friends with other mums in similar situations and swap childcare informally. Obviously this is a tricky one unless you can totally trust someone, because this childcare isn't linked to any safeguarding processes.

I've been very poor with no childcare and I cobbled things together so I could work, but I was lucky in the sense that my rent was low. I worked hard to work out how to make savings in ways that it can take a while to get used to in a new country - like a lot of food was cheap from farm foods, home bargains, poundstretcher, b and m.

It is tricky just now financially for everyone but I think part of it is getting used to being in a new place too. You can ask on here in the Money Matters topic about how people save money in certain areas.

I save a lot on groceries by volunteering with Olio as not all the food is requested.

I'm not sure if this is useful to share, and I'm not meaning to suggest you're not trying your best already, but I've really struggled for money and I've worked with lots of people who've been new to the UK and they've sometimes found it helpful when I've shared ways that I cut costs.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/04/2023 15:40

If you are a dependent, does that mean you then can't work? Which is a pain because you want to both work and save. Although you would be able to be a SAHM, you're going to struggle. Are there any routes to another visa? Sometimes worth having a session with an immigration lawyer to look for possibilities.

I agree with @Cantstandbullshitanymore that anyone who hasn't gone through an immigration process doesn't understand how brutal it all is.

Quitelikeacatslife · 27/04/2023 15:48

I'd say your child needs you more than savings for their future. You can make it work with childcare even if it tough for a couple of years. It will be worth it to have them with you. It will be good for them to experience a different culture too (possibly language?) it would be best to do it whilst they are young. Can your mother come over for a few weeks to settle them in?

TempAccount · 28/04/2023 11:38

All stories I know about baby and parents split across countries didn't work well for their relationships long term. I'm sorry but you need to find a way to be in your child's life.

useitorlose · 29/04/2023 13:48

I understand your predicament, as I work with many parents, especially mothers, whose children are 'back home' with their grandparents, often for years at a time. One Indian couple I know in the UK didn't take their son from his grandmother until the summer before he was due to start school because they couldn't afford childcare, at which point he didn't speak any English at all.

There is no easy answer - someone I know in the country I'm in now has waited seven years to be able to have her son with her, and five of those her husband was with him and his grandmother (her MIL) although now her husband is here too. Thanks to covid and the expense of flying and being in a role where she doesn't get paid annual leave, she has not been able to go home for 2.5 years, so hasn't seen her son in all that time. She cannot access free education here so we have paid her son's school fees for the first term so that she can afford to pay for his flight and visa. There are hundreds of thousands of parents working like this all over the world and most of the people replying to you have no concept of that.

I don't have any advice, I'm afraid - it sounds like you may have to wait longer than you would like, unfortunately.

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