Here is home. But not for DH

[Blondlashes]

We have lived here for nearly 12 years. Arrived when our DC were pre school. Now we are looking at the end of their school years.
I love it here. The lifestyle, my friends, weather, healthcare etc. Yes I miss my family but they are a short plane ride away. I’ve worked hard to acquire the language and build a life here.
Older DC is in the citizenship process.
Myself and younger DC are just starting it.
DH has always worked in English. He was the driver for us to come here. He works very hard. Little to no social life for him - his choice. He made some efforts to learn to language and then stopped - he has good reasons and I respect abs understand those.
Now he is saying that when DC are done with school he wants to move back to Uk. Live near his parents (relations have been difficult over the years) and his friend - who has visited us once in the 12 years we have lived here.
And I just feel trapped. He will get another stressful job and I will be left looking after his parents and going to the DIY store.
He will not listen. We had our DC young. I thought we might start to have some time for ourselves. Instead it seems we are to spend every weekend at his parents. He almost seems to have a fantasy idea of what life in the Uk will be like. Rather than the reality.
Any suggestions? Similar experiences?

Start working towards staying if you want to. What do the kids want to do ?

He absolutely does not get to drag you all over there in the first place and then unilaterally make the decision to bring you all back. If he wants to come home, that's his choice, but I'd be making it clear that you're staying put.

If you had dc young and they'll have left school, why would you be stuck at home doing diy and caring for his parents? Could you not work/study/train? Are you doing anything like that at the moment? Do the parents have care needs?

You don't have to move back just cos he says he wants to. Joint decision.

And I can't see why you would.

Can you take a long holiday, like a month in the uk, to get a feel what it might be like? It might give him the wake up call that's it not all roses around the doors?

Often when children become adults it's time for the parents to reassess the relationship and where they going to live. Over the next few years I will make sure that you are in a good position as far as your job is concerned so that you can live separately if that's what you decide.

Thanks all. I would never live separately from DH. Not permanently anyway.
I like the idea of living in the Uk for a month and seeing how it is.
He is a usually kind, good and thoughtful husband. It’s not a case of LTB. I’m wondering if this is his version of a mid life crisis. He has turned the Uk into something it isn’t in his mind I think. Like a safe haven where he can own a house, garden and spend lots of time with his friend who has visited him once in 12 years. We have visited them probably once a year since we left. They are lovely but it’s not a reason to live near them.
Strangely in the last 12 years he has always refused to spent long periods eg more than a week, in the Uk. I have been the one regularly visiting with our DC for 2 plus weeks to see family and friends.
We won’t even be in our 50s when our DC are done with school. I thought we might travel a bit, spend time together in this country and enjoy what it has to offer. That’s not of interest to him.
Maybe we can make an agreement. We move back to Uk but get 18 months here after DC leave to study. It also worries me that this is our DCs home. It seems unfair to come back to the Uk and away from everything they know here.

I am not sure I would do it. Why hasn’t he made a life there? Not learnt the language? If he has not made a life there i am not sure he would do it the uk, even if it is easier. I learnt early on if I am go back to the uk that I don’t to it for some perceived life back there, I have realised that friends and family have largely moved on ( rightly so) and I can’t go back to the life I had.

Also where will your children end up? Sounds like they consider where you live as home so may stay there, so I wouldn’t go.
Difficult I know, going to the uk may help with that decision, it has helped me. Good luck is hard being abroad sometimes with these decisions.

Thanks @Humphriescushion He had a real mental block with the language here. His existing language stills are good enough to do the absolute basics.
i don’t think he will make a life in the Uk either. He didn’t when we lived there! He is very very work orientated. That’s fine, it’s been his choice.
DC 1 days his life will be here. And I think it likely will be.
Interesting times ahead for me I think.

I faced a move abroad for DH's job when the DC were small. In the end it didn't happen. However, I was very clear that if we moved there for him, the decision on where to live afterwards was mine - ie he could have the choice of one move but the next one was my turn. Can you put this to your DH that everyone followed him last time and so its only fair that everyone else's wishes now trump his?

It’s not easy is it. We were the other way round - DH was settled and I just wanted to go home (although in our case I had def embedded myself more in life where we’d moved, had more friends, built a career and we followed him)

any “demands” from either side won’t be received well by either of you, I highly recommend relationship counselling. We saw a therapist purely about the issue of whether to go home or to stay, we learnt how to communicate better and how to collaborate rather than both feeling like we’d compromised (and therefore nobody really getting what they want). It’s not a clear cut AIBU situation and external help really helped us make a plan together

You said DH is very nice, OP. Is he nice when things are not going his way? Is he still nice when he has do to what other people want, or when people say "no" to him?

It seems a bit of a mess to be honest. Not particularly helpful.