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Living overseas

Whether you're considering emigrating or an expat abroad, you'll find likeminds on this forum.

So now a decision has to be made

16 replies

Ozgirl75 · 12/11/2022 21:58

We are in Australia, have two boys aged 12 and 10. We are British, have lived here for 15 years.
We’ve toyed with moving back for a number of years but covid put paid to that and now it’s really the last time we can come back as our oldest would go into year 9 next year.
We came back in the summer, loved it, loved seeing friends and family. Family all getting older but still in good health. We also run a business in the U.K. and would have a good income and work.
The kids have now been accepted into nice schools for next year and are quite keen for a move despite both being at a good school here, getting on well etc.
Now that the decision time is here I’m getting such cold feet about it!
Pros - family close by, no evening work, no huge expensive trips over twice a year (and husband even more often), Europe to explore, more stuff to do (I love the English countryside, national trust, London, museums etc), good schools, access to great universities in the future.

Cons - we know it here, we’re happy, we have a nice comfortable life, what if the kids aren’t happy, what if they’re really behind at school, hat if they hate it and resent us for moving?

Aaaaaaahhhh! I’m so stuck. If we stay it means my husband probably being away for 2-3 weeks every 2-3 months plus us travelling back twice a year and all the expense associated with that. Equally, moving back involves buying a house and moving schools etc. My main worry is the kids. They’ve only been there on holidays (although for 5 or so weeks at a time) and I just remember how busy everywhere is, the amount of traffic etc. Equally, the countryside is so lovely, safe, you can be in a dozen European countries in a couple of hours rather than a days flight from here.

I literally have no idea what the right decision is.

OP posts:
Rowen32 · 12/11/2022 22:25

I read somewhere the other day that you always know what the right decision is deep down - flip a coin, what does it land on? How do you feel? Your gut reaction will tell you the truth :-)

Ozgirl75 · 12/11/2022 22:29

Yes that’s probably a good idea! Thing is, I think my gut knows that moving back is “right” for so many reasons, but my gut also says “scary!”
I feel like I’ve pondered it for so long that I don’t trust myself any more.

OP posts:
Blondlashes · 12/11/2022 22:31

Private health insurance would be one of my factors. The NHS is on its knees.
also could your children go back in live in Australia later if they wanted to. Would they resent it if they couldn’t

Citygirlrurallife · 12/11/2022 22:32

We moved back this summer from the USA after 10 years away, DC1 has gone into year 9 and DC2 into year 6 - it was shit or get off the pot time for us too.

my feeling ultimately was I the pros outweighed the cons but be prepared for your feelings to flip flop throughout the process if you decided to come home - it’s isn’t linear and you will continuously doubt yourself.

being an expat is hard! Feel free to pM

Ozgirl75 · 12/11/2022 22:40

@Blondlashes yes we would have health insurance and we’re dual citizens so they could go back.
I guess I have fears both ways, for me and the kids. I can’t really imagine being here once the kids have gone off to university and work and have their own lives. Like, I wonder what my husband and I will do because so much of life over here revolves around sport and their weekend activities whereas in the U.K. I guess I feel like there are more “me” things to do.
Equally, I feel that for the kids they have a much easier life here, it’s pretty laid back and jobs are plentiful.

@Citygirlrurallife what have been the hardest bits for you and the best bits about moving back?

OP posts:
Houseplantmad · 12/11/2022 23:00

You have listed stronger reasons for coming back than for staying but it’s natural to feel nervous. Your kids will be fine and will settle. Get them involved in an activity so they can make friends quickly etc.
You mention traffic here but I’ve visited Australia a few times and think the traffic is terrible there! Good luck.

savoycabbage · 12/11/2022 23:05

We moved back to the UK and even though I was really sure it still felt like a huge decision and I repeatedly questioned whether I had done the right thing.

The dc adjusted fine, although there is no doubt that they were behind at school they soon caught up and I really think that in high school it's not as apparent.

No amount of weather can replace your dc growing up with an extended family in my opinion.

Citygirlrurallife · 13/11/2022 07:28

@Ozgirl75 by far the worst but has been DD’s homesickness. She has actually slotted really well into school, made some lovely friends and is doing brilliantly academically, her teachers adore her and she has a lead in the Christmas play but when she comes home she misses her friends in the US a lot. We’ve had a lot of tears and I do worry endlessly about forcing this change upon her. She talks/games with them at the weekends so is in regular contact.

everything else has been amazing. Not being a foreigner, seeing my own life long friends regularly again, autumn colours, knowing how everything works - just feeling like I’m home. We went to Paris for our anniversary and now planning other European trips for next year, as well as U.K. trips. Seeing my nieces and nephews more, talking to my brother every day because the time difference doesn’t exist. I am so so so happy to be home

Ozgirl75 · 13/11/2022 10:25

Oh yes @Citygirlrurallife this is my big fear, that they will just really miss it here! We moved house when I was younger, only an hour or so away and yet I really missed my old friends and had to make do with writing letters to them. It did get better but I remember it taking at least 4 or 5 months, really until our first Christmas in our new house (and I also had a main part in the school play and finally settled in there).

This is one of my fears of leaving it until the children are 12 and 10. We did look to move when they were 7 and 9 and then bloody covid trapped us here for two years!

OP posts:
Citygirlrurallife · 13/11/2022 11:10

I don’t think you can avoid the homesickness. It will happen and it will affect the whole family. It remains to be seen what the long term repercussions will be but like you we are dual citizens so they have the option to return should they want to.

I moved around a lot as a child and my last move was aged 12.5, I do believe there were consequences to that move but also think it gave me a broader world view and global perspective I might not have had.

if you stay you will worry about them anyway, for me I just could see that if we stayed any longer I would never be able to return home

Ozgirl75 · 13/11/2022 23:13

Yes @Citygirlrurallife that is my thought - if we stay, we stay to the end of school, and then they’ll probably go to university here, and then get married and settled down and we’re not going to move away from them then, so that’s it, we’re then here basically for the rest of our lives, and I’m just not sure I want that.
I figure if we move back and they do horribly miss it, they can come back here and it’ll be easier for DH and I to split our time between different places as our work is more flexible and they’ll just be starting out.
Part of me (a big part) wishes we had never come here, even though we’ve loved it here, because the split and constantly feeling drawn between two countries is awful. I fear now that even if we move back I’ll hanker for here and I need to find a way of not always thinking about the “other” option!

OP posts:
ClaryFairchild · 14/11/2022 00:02

I did the reverse, moved back to Australia. So far it's been a good move. Having family around has been so amazing. But if I hadn't been close to my family it would have been so much harder.

Ozgirl75 · 14/11/2022 07:40

I’d really like to be able to do things like just pop round to the parents for a cup of tea, or have them come to some school things. They’re over here at the moment and the kids are beyond excited that they’re coming to their carol concert and things.
Aaaaaahhhh! I do think it’s the right thing to do. I think I actually need to step away from Mumsnet for a bit because I get enthused about coming back and then I’ll read something about how shit the NHS is, or how crazy expensive fuel and energy is and how miserable it is and I go “should we leave this easy way of life?”

OP posts:
BumbleShyBee · 14/11/2022 07:57

We finally moved back to Australia after 16 years away. Kids were 12, 10 and 8 and so only knew the UK. It's been a year now and all are settled, well and happy. We all miss a lot about the UK - mostly our friends - but it's great to be back near family and giving the kids time to develop deeper relationships with grandparents and cousins. Life also feel more permanent and real - previously there was always a bit of a 'should we say /go' hanging over our heads. Great to finally make the decision and then act upon it. Wishing you well!

Citygirlrurallife · 20/11/2022 21:37

OP to be honest there’s doom and gloom everywhere, so yeah I’d think about what you really want because there will always be pros and cons, our feelings re kids was if we didn’t go now we’d be “stuck” there forever. Hopefully this way the D.C. will have felt like they grew up in both countries and make their choices as adults…. @BumbleShyBee i agree, just making a decision was a huge weight off our shoulders. And honestly I think I felt like I’d always be pining for home - at least this way I’ll know!

HowVeryBizarre · 12/12/2022 08:24

I wouldn't do it to your kids tbh unless you can afford private schooling in the UK. We moved UK to Aus when our eldest was 13, I was so glad to get him out of the UK State system. We lived in an area that had many lovely primary schools but the secondary schooling was truly shit. I know my two dyslexic boys wouldn't have made it to A levels in the UK, in Aus we could afford private schooling as it is so much cheaper and both boys are Uni graduates doing well in life. Both were back in the UK just before COVID and most of their friends were leading very average lives in terms of education and jobs. Lovely guys too from a well off area of SE England but their lives just seemed so limited. I was also quite horrified shortly after we moved that all DS1's mates seemed to do was try and sneak into the pub or drink in fields when he was playing sport and surfing.

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