Oh f**k! Why does it always fall together right as they're about to leave?

[expatinscotland]

my folks have been here, as you all know.

they're leaving Friday.

and after a week of all of us being ill, it's all starting to come together, all of us.

and fuck, it's so damn hard, saying goodbye like this.

you cherish every moment.

you think, 'what the fuck am i doing?'

it makes you call everything into question.

just as i found a folk music group, inviting me along.

and things start to fall into place, after so much hardship these past few months, so much self-doubt, so many really bad things, and you hang tough and then it all starts to make sense.

fuck, i wouldn't wish this on anyone!

i wish i'd have been happy there, in houston, with Eric Soliz back when i was 14 and we'd marry and have 4 kids by the time i was 30 and live minutes away from both our mothers and brothers and sisters with ready childcare and i'd have been a lawyer like was planned and a mother and all that shit.

but instead i'm closer to 40 than 30 in agryll on prozac and playing in some pub in the middle of nowhere.

and FUCK, for your new year's, i hope your kids aren't like me.

I hatehatehate saying goodbye to ds1, when I know it's going to be a year minimum before I see him again. I'll never get used to it and tbh I blank it out as much as I can because if I start thinking the pain is too much.

And, oddly, after 5.5yrs in the US, I think ds1 is finding it harder, as well.

god, i so miss them already.

so do the girls.

such a time they had with the girls.

i think i'll take my sister up on her offer.

she has a daughter who will be 14 in summer who's a competitive swimmer with a lifeguard certificate, a HUGE house and loads of money.

my dad had offered, for us to take the girls there and take off a for a fortnight, just wherever.

think that would be good, for all of us.

sued, i so love those girls so much. i left everything behind for just the idea of dd1.

i know how you feel.

dd1, it's getting harder and harder for her to say goodbye to her aunt and grandparents.

they all so love her and her sister.

you wonder, 'how's this all going to end?'

but for now, i think there needs to be acknowledgment, of their dual heritage.

it's who they are.

Oh expat. I know how hard it is. I just said goodbye to my dad. And every time I do, I wonder if I will ever see him again

I know ultimately we live where we chose but it's not always our first choice - circumstances lead us to less than ideal situations that we wouldn't wish on anyone else.

i don't have a prob with it, notjust.

they are half-American. they have American passports same as British.

if i were in America, i'd have at least a fortnight away from there - at least. probably more.

a day here and there. a long weekend away. a day or two.

so i don't feel guilty at all.

no way.

i just feel so guilty and so sad, that they're going away on Friday.

oh, OR! my dad is 71. i know how it is!

we keep the girls' passports up to date, both of them, because we know.

this year, it's our turn to go across.

after nearly 7 years for me.

it's just, i am shit at goodbyes.

oh, sorry.

a problem with getting it away from it all with my kids in the capable and brilliant hands of my parents and sister - and her two daughters.

Expat they're going away seeing you feeling better though, aren't they?

I know that's not any consolation, more of a silver lining really. I hope.

I'm sorry you've all been ill.

How are you spending your time between now and Friday?

they've been so good for me during my illness.

we're spending the time all together.

just not going out much, just being together, playing, laughing, watching films and the like.

there's just that awful end of it all looming over.

you just cherish it all the more.

it's so painful, even being here, away from DH's people and family.

god, why does it have to be this way?

why couldn't it all have panned out there, like with my sister?

i'll feel badly about that till the day i die.

Do you think you, dh and dds will ever live there, expat?

Well, goodbyes are horrible. Especially when you think it could be the last one...

I think its even harder when you see other people, siblings, family etc who have what you were meant to. And then thinking about how you got where you are now, well, it makes things worse for me.

I never intended to be a single mother, living 4000 miles away from her family, and friends. No career, no job, not even allowed to work. And immigration issues. And no guarantee that I'll even have my DS either. And it makes you wonder... what is the fucking point?

no, WT.

we can't deal with the whole insurance thing, for one .

Sorry. Didn't mean to take over. Am feeling rather bitter and sorry for myself.

And then I sit here and look out of my window. At the Sears Tower. And remind myself how lucky I am. To be in a great city & to have my health. Physically, at least.

true, OR.

i've not got immigration issues, being now a naturalised UK national.

but tbh it won't make anything easier, even when all that is behind you.

god, my dad is getting so old.

we'll need to be going back soon.

And don't get me started on insurance

no offense take, OR!

you're preaching to the choir, FWIW!

and the 40 hour/week min. workweek and the 1 week holiday.

we need to be there for DH's folks as well.

they're not in the best of health.

Bugger.

As in medical insurance?

I was apart from my grandparents, as a child, and it was horrible. Having said that, there were compensations of trips to visit them, the Grand Excitement when they came to stay. It is pretty cool to have grandparents a plane ride away.

But goodbyes do, indeed, suck.

Where are his parents, expat?

yeah, as in medical insurance.

it's a load of shit and the major reason why we can never live there again, especially with DD1 being SN.

but damn, i so miss Mama and Papa.

even before they are gone.