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Living overseas

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Unwell parent abroad

12 replies

Whatisthisarghhh · 13/01/2022 11:13

Looking for some support and suggestions for coping with an unwell parent abroad. I live in the UK and my family are a good 20 hour flight away. Not seen them in 3 years. DF is not well, maybe dementia. Hoping to get back soon to see them but obviously not easy at the moment. How do people cope with this/ support from afar/ come to terms with not spending much time with an unwell parent/ children not having a relationship with them. I am starting to feel resentful that I have spent so much time (20 years) living away from home and all the sacrifices I have made which isnt helpful at the moment. AM feeling a bit bitter towards DH who is kind, supportive and very hands on but I am angry that he will be able to be there for his parents when they are unwell and dying and I wont. Sorry for the jumbled post!

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 13/01/2022 13:23

It's awful isn't it? My Mum is in the land of dementia and it's heartbreaking to be on the other side of the world. My siblings resent me too. I got to the point where I couldnt bear to talk to her on the phone any more recently because it's terrible and she gets upset too.

My siblings have been ignoring me. I don't have any advice but try not to resent your DH....having parents who are reaching the end of life is terrible whether you're near or far. I'm trying not to feel bad because I know that's not helpful.

I'm too scared to go back at the moment as I've heard too many bad things about people not getting flights home. I am trying to focus on the good memories. That's all you can do really.

zafferana · 13/01/2022 13:37

I think you have to own your decision to settle in the UK OP. As you say, it's not helpful to feel bitter about it, but unless you're in an arranged marriage you had no say in then you had a choice - you didn't have to move here or stay here.

I know that maybe sounds harsh in the circumstances and I'm sorry about your dad, but parents age and get sick and you could have foreseen that this or some other day would come at some point in the future.

Much more useful would be focusing on what you want and can do going forward. Are you able to visit your home country at present? Can you help or support your family from the UK? Could you maybe go over for an extended period once a year? I read recently that if you have a seriously unwell relative the best time to visit is now, before they get any worse, so is that an option for you?

Whatisthisarghhh · 13/01/2022 16:27

Thanks both for your replies. @FortunesFave so sorry to hear about your DM. Yes, the phone calls are tough aren't they. We've had lots of crankiness and anger on my DFs behalf. He is just angry at lots of people and that is the focus of the phone call (that and Covid). He didn't once ask how my two DCs are which is sad. Sorry to hear your siblings resent you. I am fortunate in that I have 3 siblings living near to my parents so there is no resentment and they are very supportive of how difficult it is for me having not seen my parents in so long. I imagine it must be really tough to have the added family ;politics of siblings and issues thrown into the mix Flowers. Agree with you regarding focussing on the good memories, I am making peace with this now and hoping when I see them I will be able to enjoy it more.

@zafferana thanks for your comments. You are right, I have been in a position to move but haven't initiated it because I have mostly been happy in the UK and have had a lovely 15+ years living here, travelling and having babies. I wouldn't change it in anyway. And I've been able to enjoy lots of travelling time in Europe with my parents which wouldn't have happened if I was living back home. Thanks for helping me see that!! I did forsee them getting old or being unwell but had prepared myself more for physical illness, not mental illness and the behaviour change that has come with cognitive decline. Not being able to have a nice 5 minute chat that isn't filled with doom, gloom and anger is depressing. But you are so right about now being the best time! I am going to book tickets to see them in April!

OP posts:
ZZTopGuitarSolo · 13/01/2022 16:28

Oh it must be so hard being that far away. We are east coast US, trying to look after a UK-based parent with dementia, and that's tough.

We do have siblings there who are bearing much of the load, and we are doing everything we can from here such as research into places to find help, regular phone calls with the UK-based siblings, writing up plans, helping with legal stuff, going through paperwork when we visit, being there to listen, etc.

We are visiting when we can, which is probably easier for us than you. I do really recommend it if you can. I know Covid is making all this stuff much harder.

I don't have the resentment because it was a joint choice to move away - that must be an additional burden. I'm not sure how to deal with that.

zafferana · 13/01/2022 17:26

I'm so glad you're going to book tickets and make the trip OP. I'm sorry you're in this position, but at least you'll feel you're doing something active now. You can't change what's happening, but you can react to it in a positive way. I hope the trip back helps Flowers

Whatayear81 · 13/01/2022 17:28

This sounds a much wider issue than worry for your parents

It sounds like you are harbouring deep anger and resentment for your husband

Whatayear81 · 13/01/2022 17:31

I would suggest counselling is
Becuae the situation with your parents is only going to sadly become more desperate

Whatayear81 · 13/01/2022 17:31

Counselling with your dh

Whatisthisarghhh · 19/01/2022 16:05

Thanks @Whatayear81. I think counselling is a good idea. I love DH and we generally have a good relationship but I think he feels very guilty that we are living over here and he has taken me away from all my family. He knows that he could have looked for jobs over there or looked into moving, and it is not that he has been against it as such, it has more been a case of 'if it's not broke...' Then once we had kids moving seemed an even bigger deal. I have never been unhappy over here and desperate to move back but of course nothing like this has ever happened.
I've now booked flights for us to go back home soon. @ZZTopGuitarSolo so sorry to hear about your parent with dementia. Have you got any tips for living far away from a parent with dementia? I think I am struggling with not being able to have meaningful phone calls - I hadnt really considered something that would effect my parents ability to hold a conversation in this way.

OP posts:
ZZTopGuitarSolo · 19/01/2022 16:28

It's actually my MIL, so DH is dealing with the brunt of it, but I'm also heavily involved. The big difference is that he has a massive emotional loss, whereas I'm sad but not as devastated IYSWIM.

We're not quite at the stage of not being able to have meaningful phone calls, but it's close. We don't hope to achieve much from phone conversations with MIL other than chit chat and perhaps a bit of talking about what she's looking forward to, but we do still try to make the most of them.

We also do a lot of redirecting towards happier topics, and do our best to avoid arguing. There's a fair amount of... not so much lying... but avoiding giving answers that we know will upset her. I think that becomes more of a strategy you need to use as their memory gets worse.

A frustration is that she forgets things are going to happen. She forgot DH was coming to visit, and arranged something else that week. We often FaceTime her and have her actually open her diary so that we can get her to check if something is written there.

She does know to check her diary regularly, at this point, but now if we're planning to visit we know to contact a nearby relative and get them to check there is some clean bedlinen, she has some food in the house, she hasn't arranged to be somewhere else.

We have a lot of conversations with other family members to check up on how things are going, and follow up on things we're worried about.

We are at the stage where we get the same text messages and calls every day about the same subject, often something she's worrying about and has fixated on, over and over. It is frustrating, and requires a deep breath, then having a script for responding eg 'Yes mum, I contacted the bank about that, so it's OK for you to stop worrying about it."

Sometimes saying the same thing over and over can help embed it in memory, so it's useful to have a script in place for difficult or repetitive conversations. Also for making suggestions eg "We're looking at getting someone to help you around the house a bit. Remember how much that helped your mum and dad when they were in their 80s?"

I'd really recommend reading some books about dealing with dementia. And sending sympathies - it's really tough. I hope your trip goes OK. I'd honestly try not to set your expectations too high.

I remember visiting my granny just before she died. Her memory was fine but she was dying of cancer and a lot of it was very upsetting. I'm still really glad I did it - some of my memories from that trip are the most important things to me - but it was good that my mum warned me of the things that would be difficult.

Abricot1993 · 26/01/2022 12:26

My sisters were vile to me. Sometimes it is jealousy and a perception that life must be a dream being abroad. Feel positive that at least you do not have that dynamic.

BeanAnTae · 26/01/2022 12:32

I hear you OP - in my case my parents followed my sister out to Australia and she's pretty much not interested in them. It's difficult to watch the family fracturing from afar. I've learned that there's only so much I can do and I try to be accepting of things that I can't change. It's hard though.

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