To stay or return?

[Breakingthepattern]

Hey, I’m reaching out as think I’ve reached the point of over-analysis paralysis (apparently that’s a thing!).

Sorry for the long post.

Background, moved offshore in mid 20s with OH and spent 15 years offshore we were settled and had two LO. However, as ‘expats’ we always had that slight pull to come ‘home’. So 3 years ago with lots of promises from family and friends around the additional support we would have at ‘home’ we took the plunge and moved back…….
Present day, none of the promises have materialised (even pandemics aside) which has caused some additional issues with family we never had previously. This is mostly around time and interest in the grandchildren. This has resulted in us feeling very isolated over here in away we never expected. We have struggled to settle and definitely find things harder here overall.

We have come to the conclusion with that amazing thing called hindsight, that having spent such a big part of our ‘adult year’ away, we would have made a different decision about returning.

The more difficult decision, do we go back? Am I reminiscing with rose tinted glasses? My biggest issue are the LO’s. This decision would completely change the course of their futures, and this makes it such a tough call. Financially there is pros and cons to both and we can make a go of it either way albeit moving would set us back slightly in the short term. The lifestyle for the kids would be amazing while they are younger but maybe limited as the become adults. The upheaval given the oldest is moving to high school this year would be huge.

If it was just us we would go, but it isn’t just about us and I’m at the point where I could make a case either way. I’m so worried about making another ‘mistake’ and wonder if we are better off making ago of it over here. We only have a finite window as would want to move before start of new school year. I think I need some advice from those that aren’t so close please tia

Can you go back for a holiday and test the waters?

I went back. I was single, with no DC but hated being back in the UK.

Been happy here ever since, had my children here. It's our home.

Go and don't look back! Like you we moved back with the promises made from family (that never eventuated.!) It has been 14 years and I am still regretting the move. Our plan is to emigrate for good in the next few years .

Sorry, my post wasn't clear.

I did not stay in the uk! Love my life abroad.

High School is a big turning point. If your kids were tiny I'd say go wherever you like, they're more adaptable at that age. We moved a lot of times when our kids were under 10, from the UK to overseas and then further overseas, etc. But now mine are also in HS I'd hesitate to move unless it was absolutely essential - i.e. one of us lost our job and had to relocate in order to survive. But this is just me. My parents relocated from abroad back to the UK when I was in my mid-teens and we all agreed for years lated that it had been a huge mistake for everyone.

Fellow expat here - if you decide to go back it’s all about school for the High Schooler. Is it a good, welcoming school with great facilities and good results. I’m assuming you would go private?
And also how does your child feel about it? Teenage years can be a tricky time to move for them. That’s definitely something to consider.

Would you consider moving on? Going somewhere new, rather than back?
The rose tinted glasses always remember the good, and gloss over the bad.
The expat Community is like nothing else. They become your family because everyone is in the same situation with minimal family support. It IS tough being back without that. For me, uk is better. I've got a job, an identity other than trailing spouse, and where we were had massive issues just after we kept, and now has a pandemic. For you the scales seem balanced differently. But id consider country 3 rather than when you left before - you kept for a reason....

Thanks all, my eldest would be starting high school with friend, just friends she’d has had long distance for the last few years so would have familiar faces and a starting point in terms of a network. In this Instance we would be going back on my career and the opportunities are great (but ironically that’s not a driver for me).
For us we didn’t feel like we’re leaving something as apposed to the fact we thought we were coming to something.
I think as I feel we made a mistake coming back, I’m also more terrified of making a second mistake. Really appreciating the views thank you.

I guess you have to be happy with being in the place you choose for the whole of the secondary years which is 7+ years if you have more than one DC. That's quite a long time...moving during those years is v unsettling and we want to avoid that if we possibly can. So I guess you need to think of it as a pretty long term choice which will then also.impact on uni choices/ fees depending on where you would be living overseas.

Looking at the high school where you might move back to, if it's an expat/ international school, be aware there may be a big Year 9 exodus (or may not be- varies a lot) as expat kids leave for boarding schools in home countries. We are somewhere that has that phenomena and it can make the last years of high school quite thin socially, and particularly in terms of team sports etc.

Hi, just thought I’d give you all an update. Firstly, thank you for all your views, greatly appreciated. I went back and visited and tried to drill down on the details of my hesitation and after working through these, we have decided going back isn't the right decision for our family.

I read recently, that sometimes making the right decision can make you sad and that’s ok! I think that’s where I am right now.

Thank you all again

Could you put aside some of the money it would have cost you to move back and plan some life adventures, something really exciting for everyone to look forward to?