Preparing for a lonely Christmas and a lonely new year

[Expatwoes]

Hi all
Really just looking for anyone feeling the same to commiserate with. I've lived abroad for 3 years now although in 2 different cities and I'm feeling very alone. Despite being here so long I've made no true friends I have people who I meet up with for classes, wives of DPs friends etc but nobody I can really call or just spend time with chatting over a glass of wine. This has been made worse by covid due to a few of my closer acquaintances being in the staunchly antivax natural medicine/hippie subset who cut me off the second I got vaccinated. As a result myself and DP are going to be spending Christmas completely alone. I've tried to make plans with the few people I know for day before or between Christmas and new year and so far I've either recieved sorry we are busy or just plain ignored. I'm very much ready to give up on expat life and return home with my tail between my legs but realistically that will involve breaking up with DP and I'll probably be just as lonely in the UK as school and university friends have moved on without me.

I am an expat too and have been in the US for over 10 years now. I find that people aren't really available around the holidays, they focus very much on immediate and extended family. It took me ages to realize this and not feel left out.

Are you able to have family or friends from the UK visit you? And can you plan a spring visit back to the UK where you might be able to reconnect with some people? I find it takes an awful lot of effort, but I have maintained some close UK relationships over the years. I've never replaced them with people in the US but have learned that more acquaintance type situations are fine for me.

Also - you don't mention this but are you able to find a job, part time or volunteer if not full time? I think that can really open up the world for you socially.

What’s the climate like where you are?
We are also overseas and usually ski every Christmas morning, lunch in a cosy hut, after back to chill, eat, board game. Sometimes friends pop in for drinks or dinner, often alone though.

If it’s hot I would spend the morning on the beach or hiking. Take casual picnic lunch or buy out. Back for relaxed afternoon, food, FaceTime family.

Make new memories, don’t clutch on the past ones you can’t currently replicate.

Thats probably true @JesusWeptLady with regards to people being less available although for the last few months they've been very unavailable. I visited the UK recently and I think thats probably made it worse I do still have some close friends there and a month of having people to meet up with easily has made me realise how lonely I am here.
The climate is warm but we are not near the beach, i had hoped to travel somewhere for holidays but DP can't get the time off work. I also work full time but due to covid I'm mainly home based and I'm at a weird level where I'm senior enough that most employees don't want to hang out with their boss kind of set up but no lt so senior the rest of management see me as an equal.
@caspianberg I think your advice at the end is right I need to stop focusing on the big family and friends Christmas I'm used to and find some new things that bring me joy

I’m in the US with none of my gs only here. My husband had lived here all his life so he had all of his family here. I really don’t like Christmas here. We sometimes go the in-laws but I don’t like the way they do Christmas so we are staying at home this year, just us two.

No offense, but the people I work with are the last ones I would want to see over Christmas. They are nice people but I have zero interest in seeing them outside of work. My time off work is the time I like to spend with my husband. I doubt it has anything to do with vax status - more likely they just prefer to spend their free time doing their own thing with their own families.

So, although I won’t see any of my family and I’ll be in the US where I don’t even like the way they fo Christmas, it’ll be far from lonely. My husband and I will enjoy time off work together, doing things that please us. No pressure from family members to be here or there. Perfect!

I'm spending Christmas with just DH and myself , too, but I don't think of this as being lonely. I honestly thought that you meant you were by yourself.

We have a lovely lie-in on Christmas Day, open our presents and make something really nice for breakfast. Go for a walk to the beach ( we're expats too), and make a beautiful seafood lunch when we feel like it.

Like a previous poster said, when you're on your own it's sensible to drop the old expectations of a lot of people and a big Christmas feast . That isn't going to happen, so enjoy the "new normal" , it can be lovely .

You need to be very pro-active about making friends when you move countries. When I emigrated I didn't know a soul. So I found a facebook group for others new to town and put up a post saying I wanted to meet new people, and would be at a certain cafe on Weds morning at 10 AM. Fifteen people turned up! Most of them fell by the wayside over time, but we met up weekly for about six months, and three of us are still close friends. It was a terrifying thing to do as I am usually pretty introverted, but it paid off. Maybe you could try something like that? We also made friends at the pub.

As previous posters have suggested, don't cling to the past. Create a new tradition for yourself. We go to the beach on Xmas morning, then have cocktails by the pool while skyping home, its lovely. And xmas here is so much more relaxed than in the UK, which I really enjoy too. Good luck, and happy xmas!

@BritWifeInUSA the vax status group and the work group are different sets of people, I have never socialised with people from work most likely for the exact reasons you state and i'm not at all offended by that I was just pointing out to pp that the suggestion I should start working to make friends wasn't a practical one.
@ShippingNews DP will be with me christmas day but he will be in work every other day of my compulsory 10 days off which are the days I was trying to make plans for but you are correct I should probably try to adopt a more positive outlook.
@TheWestIsTheBest you are 100% right that I need to be more proactive I am naturally quite a shy person and doing something like that is not at all in my nature but I should probably try to find some hobby groups or a book club or something, even if I don't make great friends through it I will at least have a reason to get out the house and some social interaction with someone other than DP

I'm in the same boat op. It's really just me and DH here. Im an expat abroad and DH is too. I know what you mean about the hippie anti vacer mentality. I have one or two neighbor friends but no real deep or close connections. Lots of people are flakey here, it's just the way it is.

I know what you mean about going to the UK, I always feel energized there with having plenty to do there.

@Touty sounds like we are in places with similar expat/immigrant 'cultures' so much hippie anti vaxer mentality here and I just don't fit with it at all. Pre-covid everyone just kind of got on with life and agreed to disagree on certain points but covid vaccines have really polarised people and since I visited the UK and it became obvious I was vaccinated my 2 closest friends have fully ghosted me.
Life is flakey here also even among DPs friends (he has been here basically forever) its perfectly normal to not commit until the night before or drop out of something with an hours notice. I really need to work on taking that less personally.
I just sometimes feel so god dam English and long for people who get that

Yes a lot of that is the same for me too. I value punctuality and commitment, can't stand people who or late or don't show and I don't like last minute invitations either.
My DH is not from here but has been here a long time and won't go anywhere else.

I find people here a bit disingenuous too. Some of the hippies etc.

Gah, it's not easy is it?

Are there any uk Facebook groups for your area? When I lived in Canada there was one that always posted about meet ups and most of my friends there were from Ireland (I’m Irish). It’s very easy to view home with rose tinted glasses when living away but it’s different when you actually move home.

Could you go on a trip with your 10 days off if your DH has to work?

I agree with westisbest to an extent but sometimes there are places where it's hard to gain traction vs others - I found Dubai really hard as we were at a tricky life stage (had outgrown the big party scene but didn't have kids yet). We made a few friends but spent a lot of time just the two of us. I found HK much easier despite a smaller "pool" of expat people to befriend (locals in their late thirties/ forties are not super interested in making expat friends to hang out with at weekends) as just more people with similar outlooks. Similarly my BFF who has made several successful international moves and was an army brat so befriends like a boss, gave up on Taiwan after 2 years as just found it social armageddon- wrong life stage to be there.

I guess what I'm saying is, it's entirely possible that it's not you, it's them, or rather this is just not "your" place.

@Touty I think we would get on well, I get so frustrated by complete lack of commitment, If I have invited you for lunch and you cancel at last minute I am not going to be particularly happy when a week later you pop in unexpectedly but that is the way of things here and I am getting much better at accepting it.
@Temple29 I tried facebook groups when I first arrived, most of the 'expat' facebook groups are unfortunately over run with local people wanting to sell things or advertise. I went to a couple of internations meetings but found them mainly attracting people on buisness trips for a couple of weeks not wanting to spend the evenings alone or older local men who where quite honestly only interested in one thing.
@Insert1x20p I think you've potentially hit the nail on the head there, I am past the party animal stage but not at the babies stage and I think this is why i've struggled with the wives of DPs friends who all have babies or young children. They are friendly but we have very little to talk about because the conversation revolves around babies, nannies, schools etc and I have nothing to add. Perhaps the solution is to convince DP to bring the baby plan forward a couple of years
Thankyou all for your advice, I am feeling a bit jollier today as DP has managed to take the 30th and 31st off so we can at least get out the city for newyears.