Christmas Visit Dilemma

[Cameleongirl]

I know many posters are talking about visits home, but I’d appreciate some advice on our specific situation as I really don’t know what to do!

My elderly Dad and step-Mum ( both in their 80’s) live in the UK. Sadly, my SM has terminal cancer-we don’t have a good idea of how long she has left, hopefully a few months at least.

So we really to visit over Christmas, rent our own accommodation, wear masks, no hugs, etc. But, my Dad now says he doesn’t want us to come, because he’s so worried about Covid, they can’t cope with any visitors, even though we’d make all the food and not expect anything. I absolutely don’t want to stress him out, but this is almost certainly our last Christmas with my SM and tbh, she may not be with us by the Easter holidays ( we don’t have half-terms in the US).

WWYD? My children really want to see her as but I could offer to go on my own, or just leave it.
My gut feeling says don’t stress Dad out in any way, but it’s so sad.☹️

*really want to visit

That is really sad OP.
Unfortunately if they don't want to see you I'm not sure what you can do.
Have you explained that you have to be tested as part of the traveling arrangements so should be negative.

Are they seeing no one in the UK? Do they imagine you are riskier to see for some reason?

He’s worried about us being on a plane, with crowds in Heathrow, etc. I’ve explained the testing requirements but he’s just not convinced. They do see a few people in person, but it tends to be the same group of family and friends. Otherwise it’s mainly phone calls. My SM can’t do that much now, tbh, she doesn’t have the energy.☹️
I think she wants to see us, it’s my Dad who’s so worried.

Could you offer to not see them for a couple of days after you have arrived, have another test and then see them?

Even if you had to wait a full five days it would give you a chance to have a last goodbye? You then would be as safe as anyone else in the UK.

That would be a logical approach, but I can’t seem to get through to my Dad. I think he’s convinced himself that it’s not a good idea and he’s a stubborn person!

Airports aren't an issue because there's fewer flights so they aren't busy. The plane is the main risk. Really good masks, can you afford Business Class? Apart from that the testing is important.

Have you offered to do a lateral flow every morning? Your Dad could order a good stock of them before you arrive.

It is very sad but it seems unfair to push him. He's told you pretty clearly that they can't cope with a visit. It's not just Covid, he's said he cant cope with visitors at all.

Does your SM have any opinion on it? Would she like you to come but your Dad doesn't want you to?

That’s what I’m thinking, Jerry, it’s not fair to push him at this difficult time. My SM loves my children so I think she wants to see them-but she’s always been careful to let my Dad make the arrangements with “his” side of the family, IYSWIM. They’ve been together for 15 years so I didn’t grow up with her. She wouldn’t insist on seeing us if my Dad was against it.

I think the pandemic has made him paranoid as they’re CEV- totally understandable, but v. sad in the circumstances.

Do you think he's worried about having to deal with the emotion of your departure at the end of the visit on top of dealing with SM not having much time? Perhaps he thinks it would be easier not to see you at the moment and covid is just a useful excuse? Can you videocall? It's so difficult for you all.

It's so hard when you're not there.

Different but similar situation - my parents are a couple of hours away and my dad was diagnosed with cancer in the first lockdown. They came up to visit us to see newborn DD2 when the restrictions first lifted but he wasn't up to it after that. They weren't up to visitors either and felt bad that they couldn't have the four of us to stay.

We ended up booking an apartment near them for a week in the October, persuading them we wanted to visit friends and favourite restaurants etc and would just pop in to say hi. In the end the restrictions were back so all that went out the window but we went anyway.

We called over for an hour or two at most every day and even at that I could see at times he was eager for us to leave. It was actually quite painful - not his usual hospitality and he was short with toddler DD1 which wasn't his style at all.

In the end between covid and his health we didn't make it back down until his last week when the baby and I went to stay with my mum while he was in the hospital. Even when he knew he was dying, he just didn't have the energy to see us, by the end even video calls were tough.

It may not be that your dad is just worried about covid, he may also be worried visitors will be exhausting for your SM and that she doesn't have energy to waste. Perhaps you could persuade them you'd like to come for friends, social life etc and they could just see you for one or two coffees or not at all. The problem is that it's a long way to come to not see them, at an emotional time of year.

@MindyStClaire. That's actually what my DH is suggesting, we book the cottage close to them and just do our own thing, lots of walks and outdoor stuff so we can socially distance, and see them for short visits if/when they're ready. I'd love to see friends on the way to their area (everyone's scattered now) but I think that would really freak Dad out knowing we'd been socialising.

But, I think my Dad will hit the roof if we book and getting angry with me is the last thing he needs right now.