Turning down almost perfect job offer?

[Nonamesleftt]

Namechanged for this. For background: DH and I moved abroad last year for my job. DH was really excited by the move as well, even though it meant giving up his job to move here. While settling in here hasn't been the easiest due to Covid, we're enjoying our time here. However, both our jobs here are fixed term. His contract ends in 1.5 years, mine in 2.5 years. This move was always, most likely, going to be temporary.

Out of the blue I have been offered a job back in the UK. It's the almost perfect job: it's permanent, at a company that I have wanted to work for for years, opportunities for progression are good. Location in the UK is not 100% ideal, but 80-90% ideal and much better than some/many of the other locations where my industry is based. Realistically, while I might find a job better than this, the chances are small that one would come up at exactly the right time in exactly the right place.

However, DH doesn't want to move back. Or not yet anyway. Even though he doesn't really like his current job, and there would most likely be better opportunities for switching careers in the UK than there are here. He says he's just feeling drained by the upheavel of moving here, and sad at the idea of moving back before we have managed to make the most of living here (which I can fully understand). I'm trying to get him to talk about the longer-term so we can try to weigh up the advantages/disadvantages of different options in the short & long-term, but have struggled to get through to him (DH's anxiety & depression have, understandably, also flared up again because of this).

If it were just me, I'd move back. However, I do want to take DH's views into account of course. I'm also slightly worried if we did move, and he hates being back in the UK, that I'd have the perfect job but a miserable life nonetheless. Any advice on how to, maybe not make this decision, but at least have a more fruitful discussion with DH about it? Because so far I'm not getting much more out of him than "I don't want to move but it's a good opportunity for you so we should probably do it".

Can you take the job with a delayed start?

It sounds as though you haven't really had time to enjoy the adventure of moving countries yet, maybe try and pack a few good times in beforehand and go all in on embracing that?

@beingsunny

Can you take the job with a delayed start?

It sounds as though you haven't really had time to enjoy the adventure of moving countries yet, maybe try and pack a few good times in beforehand and go all in on embracing that?

Good point.

I should have said, the start date seems unfortunately non-negotionable.

If you stayed out for the rest of your contract, would you just be kicking the can down the road, or would the extra time be enough for DH? And if he was then happy to return home at that point, how easy would it be for you to find such a good opportunity? Would you resent him forever if you turn it down now?

If you don't have children then I'd just come back home and let him stay there.

I disagree with above posters. We move a lot and it IS massively draining. DH agreed to move for your career. It isn't unreasonable of him to want now a bit of time before uprooting himself again. I also think the way you are approaching this is to treat his concerns as if they are minor and he just needs to see sense. They aren't. They are real and valid and I doubt you'll have a more fruitful conversation until he feels like you acknowledge that.

I understand the pull for you. But you say yourself that there will be other opportunities. I'm afraid I think you need to stick with the path you have both chosen, as agreed.

Agree with hollow my first thoughts too. If no children involved then you come back let husband stay on there

I’d stay, based on what you’ve said. The grass always feels greener somewhere else; and you’ve said yourself that it’s not the ideal location, so you’re moving around again without it being where you actually want to be. Moving internationally is hard without a pandemic, with it, it can’t feel like you’ve had many of the benefits…

If this job wasn’t on the scene; would you be looking at going home? Is it that the expat lifestyle isn’t what you thought/wanted?

You could always go home by yourself, as others have said…

I’ve been the person taking my partner abroad for different jobs. To make that work, it’s vital to talk a lot and take his opinion on board too, I think… and from what you’ve said, you’re talking to him with the aim of getting him to agree that you’re right… I’m not sure that’s fair. It might be your job that took you there, and you might want to go home, but an international move is a big life change, you both need to agree (or compromise, or agree to live in different countries).

Thanks all, lots of sense being spoken here, and it's all really helpful despite the diverging answers :).

I totally agree with the posters who said that part of me wants to speak with him just to get him to come around to my view. I am aware of that and I'm also aware that that's not the right way to go about it, so I'm trying to avoid such a conversation.

Instead I want to try and have a conversation to try and figure out as @pickingdaisies said, whether I/we'd just be kicking the can down the road if we stay for another couple of years. The likelihood of then having to accept either a worse job and/or a worse location is, I think, higher than finding a job/location that is better than this offer. However, I'd like to genuinely hear his long-term views, but so far haven't really managed to.

And yes, we're also considering the option of living apart for a year, but again, then it's a question of whether DH could see himself living there (UK city) at all.

Oh and just to answer one of @TakeYourFinalPosition's questions: no if it weren't for this job I wouldn't be looking to move back yet. Living overseas has had its challenge so far, but it's mostly been an enjoyable experience.

@Nonamesleftt

Oh and just to answer one of *@TakeYourFinalPosition*'s questions: no if it weren't for this job I wouldn't be looking to move back yet. Living overseas has had its challenge so far, but it's mostly been an enjoyable experience.

But just to add one more thing: while I feel some sadness at moving back, I also feel like I've made the most out of my time here. I have made friends, learned the language (it's still basic-ish but okay), explored quite a few parts of the country, so that's maybe why I feel reasonably at peace at the idea of moving back. DH has taken a lot longer to settle in and I think that's also why he feels he isn't done here yet.

What is your notice period in this role? If it is e.g. 3 months then you will be that much closer to the time when your DH would be without work anyway. Maybe if you came back a bit earlier than him that would also help him get used to the idea?

Just to report back on the outcome: after some further conversations with my potential employer I have managed to delay the start date by almost a year. On this basis I've decided to accept the position.

This means I will move back to the UK late next year, and DH will join me about 6 months later when his current contract ends. Our areas of work tend to be fairly flexible, so there might also be some possibility for me to travel back and work from our current place of residence for a couple of weeks at a time, and vice versa. It's not a 100% perfect solution, but we both feel it is as close to a satisfactory compromise that we were going to get.