Homesickness

[Thetopofthecastle]

Just looking for any advice. I've been living in Germany with my family for 3.5 years and the homesickness is really kicking in. On a logical level, everything about life is better here. DH is happy and so are the kids, daily life is easier, it's more scenic etc. The move is looking to be permanent at this stage. Apart from covid we do manage trips home every few months. But I am unhappy. I miss being able to see friends and family regularly and I can't work over here in a meaningful way. I can't instigate a move back to the U.K. because I'm not the breadwinner. Has anyone been through this? Does it get easier? Any tips on how to accept my lot and feel more positive? TIA

Could you join other groups of people from your home country that are in similar situation?; try to integrate into the community, improve the language, join activities. It takes time to make friendships and settle into a new country; fortunately you are not too far. Hope you get there.

I have lived over 15 years in the UK and I am OK but wouldn't say 100% happy but accept that this is where husband and I chose to live and the children are growing up here and feel it is their home. It is not about me anymore; however I do have a career and job here and some friends from my home country.

I think you can say that you're unhappy to your DH though and explain why. If you are unable to find job or career satisfaction working there then that's a big sacrifice and there should be discussion / negotiation around that. You do gave a say where you live even if your DH is currently the breadwinner.

I'm in a similar situation but further away from the UK but we are only planning to be here for 3-4 years then return to UK. I really would like to work again and I can't here so I think it has to be a short term option and DH knows that.

If you really don't think he'll want to move or your kids are too settled then it will definitely be tough to accept. Particularly if you weren't expecting it to be long term.

I'm.missing friends and family a lot right now and while I've made a few local friends, it's not the same and I really wish I could just pop home for a bit! And there are lots of good things about our life here, but its still hard sometimes! So I get where you're coming from. Do you have any expat friends in similar situations that you can talk to?

I would approach ex-pat groups with caution. They can be fun from time to time in small doses such as (and these are examples from an ex-Pat group I am in here in the USA) where to find decent fish and chips, what bread tastes most like Hovis, cheap flights back to the UK that people have found and fun things such as the Great British Baking challenge we had in our group. But they can be full of people who are miserable and just want to moan and compare things here with things in the UK. They can make you feel negative.

My best way of coping with homesickness was just to go “cold Turkey” and throw myself into life here and accept that this is how it is now. I keep England as a special memory and my little escape place every few years, like a favorite holiday destination. I didn’t come with a husband and children from the UK, however and so I have in-laws here, husband was born and raised here so he has friends here.

I’m now at the stage where I can’t imagine ever living in the UK ever again. This is home now.

Of course there's the language problem for you OP.
I would try to learn the language - perhaps pay for one to one lessons once you are getting the hang of it.

Even moving in the UK can be difficult and lonely - I think it takes a few years to feel fully settled somewhere.
ARe there other expats around - you have such a lot in common with them it's often easier to make friends (desperation on both sides!).

I’m an American living in England now for 12 years. In many ways it’s lovely and I can’t imagine returning to America to live full time, but after 12 years I know that I have to have an annual trip home. I think the worst part is having no emotional connection to the country, even though you may like it.

Maybe join an expat group. Internations is a good one.

You can learn German in your free time and then perhaps it will be easier to get a jib? You can event this teaching English.

Hi OP

From experience, homesickness around the 12 month mark is natural and common, it’s usually when the novelty has worn off. I tend to push through those times and things can get better from that point onwards.

But continued homesickness years later is probably more serious. Are the kids still young’ish? Can your DH get a job back in the U.K. easily enough? If the kids are older and you don’t want to uproot them, then maybe make a pact to see them through school, but then head back to the U.K. after they are done.

When I found living overseas tough, I always felt better for having an exit plan. Stopped me obsessing about the possible ‘foreverness’ of the situation, and allowed me to enjoy the moment more!

Good luck!

Why can't you instigate a move back? I did when I wasn't earning, from Australia.

Do you have a deep-down feeling that you won't ever be acceptably happy enough there? If so, coming back would seem the best option (that was me). If not, try some of the suggestions.

I was also struck by you saying it's more scenic. When I came back to the UK I was, & still am, enthralled by the beauty of our nature & wildlife. I think being away from it made me appreciate it more, despite living in a bush valley overlooking a snaking river in Oz with flocks of parakeets & cockatoos flying over (they're bloody noisy & destructive!).

Thank you very much for all of your replies and suggestions

I have been doing a lot of soul searching and a few things have helped. I wrote a list of the pros and cons of living in each place which did actually help me to focus on what we have here. My view of life in the U.K. isn't terribly accurate given the current situation plus how much my personal circumstances have changed since we moved (work, family etc). I have tried hard to take off the rose tinted glasses. And also focus on what's best for the kids.

I am trying to learn the language yes and I do have local expat and non expat friends. Trouble is my friends in U.K. are very longstanding so it's hard to replace them but I'm doing my best. I'm trying to focus on the fact that travel home to see family should get easier than it has been.

And yes I have tried to share how I feel with DH, even though that is tricky.