50, living overseas and lost my way completely: help me find it?

[LisbethSalamander]

This is going to be long; please bear with me. I am British, and have been living overseas in DH's country for over 20 years. One DS in university.

I have been feeling increasingly lost and lonely lately. I have few friends because I run my own business from home. Many friends have also left the country due to covid. Other 'mom' friends have drifted away as DS grew up. I speak the local language, so language is not an issue. My parents are dead, my only sibling lives in Australia and we are not close. DS is away at uni and has his own life. DH is an introvert and is not much of a socialiser, though he will do it occasionally. All my 'connections' seem to have disappeared.

Things have been made worse by the fact that DH is retiring next year. He is 55, has worked very hard at a stressful job, and we are financially secure, so deserves to retire. I fear though that we will drive each other mad and the walls will close in on us. My business mostly runs itself now and it does not take all my time ( I know I am lucky).

The solution, I know, is to get out of the house and find new hobbies. But so many things that would be available to me in the UK are not widely available here: WII, choir, sports groups, volunteering etc. I have joined a few groups in the past but they always fizzle out, or I make no connections. Many women my age here are still dealing with children at home, or have elders to look after. I had thought of travelling, but with Covid that seems impossible for a while. Our country is quite badly affected.

I don't want to return to the UK. There is no one for me there. I just want to build a new life here.

might help if you say where

Where are you?

So many amazing courses are online now so you could do eg a London uni writing course, or a drama course from New York or anywhere you like. I’ve done a few online things this past year and was amazed to find we made real connections and it was fun to spend time in break out rooms with very different people to me, dif ages. A degree? Post-grad course? Or just a term at a time?

Sorry, I do not want to say where, because I know a lot of my acquaintances use MN, but I am in Asia.

@Newgirls I am a bit tired of online right now. Find it quite hard to be staring at a screen all day. Though not ruling it out completely.

I get that. Something like writing though you then go away and do it. Drama - you are up and about so not always staring st screen.

How about setting something up where you can help others? So, rather than ‘find a hobby’, find some sort of calling that will help you meet others outside the home. So, you’re in charge and can mould it to suit you and your life. You definitely need to get something in place before DH retires 😳

Obviously I don’t know you or which country, so just throwing some random ideas to hopefully spark your brain to go in different directions. Is there something in that country that attracts the kind of people you like?

Is there an aspect of your current business that you can take away from the desk? Expand out of the box?

Yoga, hiking group, tour guide for new expats, teen mentoring (I haven’t had coffee yet and that one made me cringe!) animal rescue, wine tasting group, teach the local language to new arrivals.

Some good ideas here, thanks @PlatinumBrunette. This country has a large proportion of transient expats, and then people who have lived here all their lives with large families, and thus do not need any new friends. Thus my difficulty in keeping friends.

Yeah, am not keen on teen mentoring either!:)

@LisbethSalamander I found the key is to not actively ‘look for friends’ as then you leave yourself open to unsatisfactory or even toxic friendships. Change your mindset (sorry!) to looking for simple social connections, basically just talking to other people IRL

Spend some time remembering what you like to do - something from your 20s and 30s perhaps? Maybe not your favourite pastimes as a kid otherwise I’d be living in a tree right now.

It’s so easy to lose yourself, wherever you live.

I am on another thread and realise a lot of people are feeling the same way I do, even those who have been in the UK all their lives. I am a lot luckier than some of them.

@PlatinumBrunette you are absolutely right. I remember when I first arrived I met friends by just talking and not trying so hard. The smell of desperation is offputting! I see many ppl are feeling disconnected though, perhaps bcos of the pandemic.

Hello LisbethSalamander
I am your age and also living overseas, with similar issues surrounding an introverted DH and work etc.
I would make these suggestions, though I don't know if they are viable where you are

1. look at charitable work, if it is available - volunteering amongst other humans makes a tremendous difference to your own self worth and it is inherently a social activity
2. As others have suggested, look at maybe studying something of interest.
3. Reading / writing, This is my life saver and I only suggest it for that reason, I know it doesn't appeal to everyone.

I'm a similar age to you and I think at this stage (although I do still have DC at home), it's easy to feel a bit untethered and sort of 'well, what now?'. The things I do are I run a book group, I'm a member of a women's running group, I do a weekly exercise class I enjoy, I'm doing a degree with the OU (they also do short courses - you don't have to commit to a degree - but I've absolutely loved studying with them and you just pay course by course, so you could try something and see if you like it). Volunteering is a great idea and it sounds like you have plenty of time on your hands and no other ties, so that could be a great solution, that or finding another job!

It might also be worth reading the peri/meno pages here - it can be very weird time for questioning ourselves - sometimes in a good, galvanising way

Can I recommend a book? How to be happy by peter jones. Im an immigrant and was feeling similarly lost and it helped get me back on track and figure out whats important to me. Not what what others or I think should be important to me, but what is and why. You do have to think a little sideways. Eg I like choir but dont feel able to commit. So I found a choir organisation that does weekend events. I participate in 1-3 things each year. I follow eric whitacre on sm and took part in virtual choir 6. But had I not read the book I wouldnt have done that because I was in a different mindset.

I think it’s very easy to feel disconnected even in a country where you are from . I realised last weekend that my group or at least what I thought were my group had been meeting up for running and for book club since Christmas ( socially distanced off course ) and I felt like a total stranger after a year .
Going to read that book @StrictlyAFemaleFemale . And some good ideas here . Maybe try build some relationships through your business if possible ?

You could connect with an international school that teaches the International Baccalaureate Diploma programme. Teachers are always looking for businesses to help them deliver the CAS part of the programme. This is where each pupil has to undertake Creativity, Action (sport) and Service (volunteering) from age 16 to 18. You could offer a volunteer placement for a student to fulfill the creative or volunteering element. You get extra free help too.