Drifting away from friends back home

[GuessWho57]

I guess it’s natural and normal, but still feels strange.

There’s 6 of us who have been “super close” friends for the past 25 years. We had a riot in our teens and 20s, then kids came along in our 30s. Now in our 40s it all feels flimsy.

I live abroad so I guess that is why I feel it more. We have a WhatsApp group and we talk about having a real catch up but calls, either group or individual, never happen. It’s just feels like glue holding us together isn’t so sticky anymore.

I don’t doubt that we’re all fond of each other - to an extent - but I also suspect it’s history that has kept us together rather than because we really really love each other.

Moreover, the longer I’m away (5 years) the further I feel away from them. My life is very different to theirs, and I don’t miss living there. In fact for several reasons it feels really freeing to be away. And I don’t actively miss them.

But it feels weird to acknowledge that. I feel disloyal and like I’m ditching them. I’m not and in fact do make quite a lot of effort to send big long messages and photos etc, but get very little back. I know everyone is busy/bored at the mo, but it was getting like this even before the pandemic.

I suppose I feel different and I’m ok with that. But it makes it all feel odd when thinking about my relationship with them.

Does anyone else get what I’m going on about??

I moved 70 miles away from "home" nearly 20 years ago, at first i went back monthly for nights out and that became every 6 months, 8 months etc. I actually havent met up with any of them for probably 5 years or so but we are on facebook and comment on photos, send birthday messages etc. We havent fallen out but drifted apart, I think it happens naturally when you move away.

Yes I can see that it’s totally to be expected.

But I guess it’s just caught me just how different I feel. I’m not the same person as I was 5 years ago and as I say, and I feel liberated by not living there.

It’s just an odd sensation to acknowledge that the friendship isn’t as strong as it used to be - and that everyone seems ok with that....

I think it's normal by your 40s to feel like this. You're not the same person you were in your 20s, and most 40-somethings are really busy with work and family so while friends are important, they're not as important as they were in your 20s. The people I see/speak to regularly are the ones who live nearby and who I share everyday life with - not the people I worked with or hung out with 20 or 30 years ago - however much fun we had back then.

OP I have had a similar thing, although I've been away longer- c. 14 years, and mainly living in one city in Asia. While I've been away I had my kids and completely changed careers. Similarly, most of my friends also had their DC, moved on with jobs, many moved out of London etc. We have drifted. We do whatsapp and share messages/ photos but when we catch up in person occasionally it's not the same as when we were all in London and had recent shared history. It's probably not a coincidence there are so many films about reunions where everyone fights - not that bad tbf but there are definitely a few where a 15 year gap of no regular contact is too much to bridge.

When I move back to UK the people I most look forward to seeing are people I met here who then moved back. As PP says, people I've shared everyday life with/ been on group holidays with/ my kids know their kids etc. I think it's normal.

Completely get what you mean.
I've been overseas for 3 years now (although not far overseas, same continent, so pre Covid we went back to the UK about 4 times a year).
I feel a bit like my friendships at home have been put on hold. We don't communicate that often, although there's never any bad feeling about this on either side as far as I can tell.
We plan to move back home although I'm not sure whether that will be in a year or two or ten years at the moment, which makes things a bit tricky. I'm hoping friendships will pick up again no problem when we do, but it's hard to tell.
Agree with zafferana that the people you speak to regularly are the ones you share day to day life with. I am lucky to have made a very close friend here. Coincidentally she is the mother of DS's best friend so I see her most days. She has become my closest "confidante" over people I went to primary/secondary school/university with even though I've only known her 2 years.

Oh I definitely see that its logical to be closer with those around you on a day to day basis. It makes total sense.

I don’t know how long we’ll live abroad for but at this point we have no plans to return to the uk. And it feels like the longer I’m away the less I would want to go back... and the less I can relate to my life-long friends....

I moved to the UK from Australia almost 13 years ago. I don't have any contact with my Australian friends except if they're in the UK or I'm in Australia, which with family and kids now is not very often. But that's fine. I have a great group of friends in the UK, some of which I've now known longer than some of my Australian friends.

I see life a phases and this is one of them

I lived abroad for some years. While abroad, I made an effort to keep in touch with old UK friends, but now that we've moved back (been back a few years) I find I don't have much in common with those people. I do keep in touch sporadically but the people whose company I most enjoy is people I met while living abroad who have also moved back. I understand now, when people say they've 'moved around too much' to maintain many good friendships.

Interesting to think of it as a phase @Cruddles. I’d not thought of it like that because they had been such a large part for such a long time in my life. A very long phase... but I can see how it could be helpful to think of it like this. And my dear old dad would’ve definitely said the same....

@somethingonthecarpet I think this what feels weird... that the next time I see them, we might feel like we have nothing in common. After all, how much can you really be close about when the WhatsApp chat only sees small flurries of random activity every few weeks?

I think part of it is that I’m “not very good at people” as I get older. I’m quite introvert and am a bit baffled by people most of the time. A relative of mine is amazing at keeping in touch with everyone she’s ever known. Cards, texts, letters, phone calls, little random gifts, trips away, staying at each others houses (pre covid obvs) and that feels so far away from where I’m at with even the most “significant” friends. We barely remember birthdays these days!

Makes me feel a bit shit but also quite meh too. It’s all very odd.