Feeling isolated and unhappy in France (living here with French partner)

[Helen8955]

Hi.

I am from the UK and currently living in France with my French partner. I am studying at a nearby university. Since the second lockdown, I have been working from home with the only interactions being on zoom. I didn't know anyone in this town as we moved here just before second lockdown came down, and it's difficult to travel to uni at the moment in the covid context (I live quite far from my uni town). I have been feeling increasingly isolated and unhappy. I have found it really hard not being able to travel to the UK for so long or have family come to visit. My partner works long hours so I feel alone and lonely during the week. I now know two people here and am trying to meet up with them for a walk when possible, but as they are new friends it's not so easy to talk to them completely openly.

Before living here, we had lived in another part of France for 2 years. I have always found it difficult but things did get better there when I had a job and some of my own friends. It was also closer to the UK so easier to see UK friends and family (pre-covid). Perhaps in a few years we could move back there - but partner wants to stay here due to job prospects and nicer countryside etc. We have talked about me wanting to move back to the UK. At one point he said he doesn't want to - but then after lengthy discussions he said that he would consider moving back there if one of us got a good job there, but he would prefer to stay in France. We lived in the UK for a few years before moving to France so he has tried it.

This year in particular has taken a huge toll on my mental health and on our relationship. He has tried to be supportive but we have also had a lot of arguments (often about silly things but probably bigger things under the surface) and have often been unkind to each other or just not communicating at all sometimes. I have been having doubts about the relationship. I don't know how much of it is due to how difficult this year has been and general resentment about this situation.. but I feel that even if this situation/year has been difficult, we should have been able to support each other through it.

At the moment I find it difficult to imagine a happy future for us/a future where I feel happy living in France. It's not just missing friends and family in the UK, it's also feeling quite isolated in the culture and just not meeting people so easily, and when I do just not clicking with them so easily. My French is fairly good but I get sick of French people teasing my accent etc, which further reduces my confidence and makes me feel more isolated. There is more of an international community in my university city, so that could be a way to meet people but it's quite far away from where we live (and too expensive for us to live there).

I have been trying to tell myself to wait it out - get to the end of my studies and also wait for things to get better with covid - before making any kind of decision. But it is all I can really think about - flicking between different possible scenarios in my mind. It makes me feel really sad to think about breaking up and I don't know if we would both regret it - he is such a kind person and we have had a strong relationship in previous times and have been through a lot together, but we do also have a lot of differences which have started to get to us this year (e.g. I like to talk and process things a lot - he is more quiet, I'm messy and a bit chaotic - he is more tidy and ordered).

I am 31. We have been together for 7 years. We both want to have children and have spoken about this a lot. But I feel that I would need to be in a much more stable place emotionally and in the relationship to consider bringing children into it. But I do feel conscious of the time/age pressures.

The question of which country to live in seems like an unanswerable one. It feels like one of us will have to make a sacrifice, which will make either me (if France) or him (if UK) unhappy in the long run. I'm just wondering if it would be better to end the relationship sooner rather than later to give ourselves the best chances of being happy and meeting new people in our respective countries?

We are thinking that I will try to go back to the UK for a while (like a month or more) at some point soon just to stay with family and also have some time apart. I'm hoping that this would also allow me to see things more clearly. But it's difficult to know if I'd be able to get back here if I need to due to covid rules, so difficult to know if even this is a good idea.

Thanks for reading all this! I'd be interested to hear any of your thoughts on this.

@QwertyGirly thanks for your message, it was interesting to read about your experience in the UK. You are SO right that covid was really twisting life and it was not the time to make any big decisions.

@QwertyGirly oops sorry didn't mean to send that yet.

Yes that's interesting what you say about joining interest groups rather than meeting ex-pats. I feel the same way that I don't want to necessarily meet other British people here, although I definitely feel that it is crucial for me personally to know and be friends with other foreigners here, as I feel there are certain things we can understand about each other's situations better.

I'm sorry you haven't seen your family for 3 years. Have you been able to see them or arrange to see them now?

Woah I'm so sorry you were called a foreign cunt during a road rage and told to go back to your country. I am aware that this kind of disgusting behaviour happens in my own country as well, and Brexit definitely highlighted this kind of horrible rhetoric.

I guess with the accent thing, I constantly have people commenting on it here, whereas when my French partner came to live in the UK for 2 years, even he agrees that no-one ever teased his accent. Maybe he was just lucky, or maybe the majority of the people we mixed with including my friends and family are just not the kind of people who would tease accents. I'm not at all discrediting your experience and it's interesting for me to know that this also happens in the UK, but I just wanted to explain my own experience of this and why, for me, it felt that this was different between France and UK. I am studying in French-speaking Switzerland and there I feel much more comfortable speaking French as they are much more used to accents and no-one there has ever mocked my accent.. so it could also be related to the particular areas I have lived in in France where people are possibly not so used to foreigners.

That's interesting what you say about meeting your closest friends during pregnancy and early childhood of your kids. We are hoping to have kids in the next few years and so I hope this will also be a way to feel more rooted here.

Yes it's interesting thinking about our feelings of nationality and identity. I definitely won't ever feel French either, but I'm also ok with that.

Good luck to you with everything, and thank you for sharing your experiences with me :)

Hello op. I have rattled around Europe a bit and settled in one country with my DH who is also from UK. Fwiw here are my thoughts:

• only you can judge the strength of your relationship but lots of couples who are living in their native countries who don't have the extra pressures of being an expat, have been struggling during the pandemic, so don't underestimate the effects of Covid etc. Studying alone on Zoom for months and months would depress anyone! Never mind doing it in a foreign country.

• I am going to go against the grain here and like the Canadian poster above, say that I personally found it much easier to integrate after having children. I met friends at the nursery and school gate who have remained good friends for life! And supporting and following my DC through the school system enabled me to improve my language skills and learn about the country's culture from the roots up and inside out! And facilitating bi- or tri- lingualism for your DC will be a huge asset to them.

• I think you may be more suited to an international environment like Brussels, which is a good place to raise children. There is a massive French population there too. There are many international schools and even state schools have a huge number of English speaking expats in them. For a variety of reasons, related to its size and history, France can be very insular and dare I say a little too traditional in some attitudes and aspects. In over 25 years of living in French speaking countries, I have never been teased about my accent, and if anyone mentioned it, it was to say it was "charming" or to appreciate me putting the effort in. The fact that you have been teased would indicate to me that you have landed up in a rather insular area.

• At the age of thirty-one, you are definitely at a turning point here op. How long do you have until you finish your course? I think if you and your DP are going to settle down and have DC then he has to be able to compromise so that you locate somewhere from which it is easier to travel to UK, and somewhere that has a more international vibe, with a good percentage of English speaking expats in the schools. I have friends from all over the world but it is still important to me to be able to share humour, innuendo and irony in my own language!

Good luck op . I think a short break away from your DP to think about things would be a good place to start for both of you.