Keeping good family relationships when moving abroad?

[wanderedlonelyasacloud]

DH and I want to move abroad. I'd love for this to be in the next couple of years but I know for us to be able to get everything sorted it may be in a few years time, by which time we will hopefully have children.

I feel a real pull to canada, but I know it is quite difficult to move there (our scores for express entry aren't particularly high) so it may end up being New Zealand or possibly Aus that we end up looking into more seriously.

We get on well with my family and live in the same town as them but dont feel the need to see them all the time. My ILs live quite far away (about a 3.5-4 hour drive) so we see them pretty infrequently but we do all get on.

My question is, how do you maintain good relationships with your family when you live so far away and how do you nurture that relationship? I'm thinking more from the point of view that if we had kids would they be missing out on a relationship with their grandparents?

I really do feel a pull towards canada and the older I get the more I feel that the UK isn't where I'm supposed to be.

I think this is easier than it has ever been in history.

We have so many social media platforms where you can see people at the same times as talking to them, it is as easy to chat to someone 1/2 way round the world as it is someone 2 streets away at the moment.

Although this all seems highly hypothetical at the moment, as you haven't moved, or even decided where, or how you will move, and you don't have dc.

It's much easier to ''maintain' a relationship via a screen than to start one, so you'd need to either visit home or have Grandparents / other family visit you' every few years so the dc know them as real people. Nice, as well to be able to 'picture' where you are living, for the people at home.

Sorry to be negative but based on my experience family relationships are never the same when someone lives on the other side of the world. My sister has been in NZ for 20+ years and my relationship with her has suffered greatly. It wasn't so bad initially when neither of us had kids and we could afford to visit. Since we both had kids we've seen each other once (in 10 years) as its just beyond our finances to travel that far. We used to phone regularly but again lost the habit when dealing with toddlers and working and being 12 hours apart (and probably not prioritizing contact as much as we should). We tried Skype when our kids were young but because they had no relationship with their cousins or Aunt and Uncle it never worked. They all just sat staring at each other because essentially they were strangers.

When we did meet up about 5 years ago it was a bit forced (the younger kids got on quite well but the young teens were painfully self conscious and didn't really get to know each other probably due to being quite shy and at that awkward age).

My sister and I got on fine in many ways but we have very different lives and I just didn't feel the same connection that we had before she moved away. It made me quite sad for a long time afterwards actually but now I'm a bit more philosophical about it.

It makes me on tv when families move away and say nothing changes and that it's only 24 hrs on a plane! Yeah, that and £10k and a month off work!!

Sorry to be so negative but it's just my experience and may well be different to many other families. I would say that I am actually closer to DH's sister now purely because we have always got on well and I have just spent so much more time with her over the last 20 years by virtue of her living in the UK (even though she is 250 miles from us).

I wouldn't want it to make you think that you shouldn't follow your dream but in reality I think there is a price to pay.

Thanks both for your input, it really is invaluable.

Very interesting to read the two differing points of view - I can definitely see how it could make it easier to maintain relationships if the relationship is established before the move!

I think in an ideal world we'd be able to test the water by moving for a couple of years with work and then re-evaluating to see if we enjoyed it or would prefer to come back but it just seems so so difficult to get to the point where we can even do that.

After reading your comment @yuddiesorno I wonder if perhaps it's only worth even thinking about going for it if it works out that we could go to canada - perhaps it isnt worth the upheaval to even think about going to nz/aus when I don't feel the same pull towards moving there.

I found it difficult because you run out of things to talk about. They don't know your new friends or the Italian in the next suburb or anything about your life at all. The ordinary mundane things that you talk about become irrelevant so you stop telling each other stuff.

It becomes a chore talking to each other. My children stopped having any to say to their cousins on FaceTime after a year despite being incredibly close and being the same ages.

I had an extremely close relationship with my family and I put a lot of effort into it but you just stop knowing each other. My parents came to visit me every single year as they are retired and could afford it but I think that is very unusual. That really helped as they could picture my life.

When we did come home it was sad to see how much closer my parents were to my sisters dc than they were to mine. I also felt guilty that my dc didn't have any other family other than us. I remember being out with my friends and her parents and the grandparents were watching our children on a flying fox. It was the first time they had been in one and they were encouraging their grandchild and scooped her up and swung her round proudly when she went on. My dd just had me.

I think with the best will in the world, relationships suffer.

We’ve been overseas for ten years and had two DC in that time. They’re 4 and 2 and have zero interest in talking to Nanny on Skype because she’s just a random grown up asking them boring questions about their life when they want to get back to playing in the garden.

One of the things I hadn’t anticipated was the smaller events that you miss out on. Pre-COViD we would always make the effort to travel back for a family wedding or other ‘big’ event, but (for example), we didn’t get invited to my cousin’s kids’ christening simply because they assumed we wouldn’t bother flying 7 hours for that. My whole extended family were there and it was weird to only find out about it when I saw the photos on FB. Equally stuff like engagement drinks, birthday parties etc etc.

@schwinglow and @primeravez thanks so much for your comments I really appreciate it.

My DSis has kids already that my parents see multiple times a week, with my sis being a single parent they help a lot and are in a support bubble together so I guess thinking about it I already have felt on the outside of their bubble this past year anyway.

I also wonder whether my future children's relationship with my parents can match the relationship that they already have with my nieces and nephews even if I was to stay living here. But then moving away would probably make this potential void even wider... lots to think about!

I know you can't help at all with the above but it helps get my own thoughts in order when I type it out!

@andrewflintoff have you commented on the wrong thread?

I live in the US and have a 1 year old - not been able to bring her to the UK to meet our families because of Covid and she has a brilliant relationship with my side of the family. None with my husbands, but they never ever call. She also has great relationships with my 3 closest friends.

I have photos everywhere for her to see, and we talk about who they are.

We talk at least once a week on FaceTime/Skype/WhatsApp usually more.
After breakfast here we often do a quick hello phone call for just before dinner in the UK

We use Marco Polo app and also send little videos. We have a shared photo album for all the children so we see updated and regular photos.

For the last 3 months when my phone rings my DD waits to see who the picture will be and she is all beams and smiles when it’s someone she knows. She babbles away to my family whilst I potter in the kitchen or nearby, and her relationship with them is probably better than if we still lived 3 hours from them in the Uk because there is no way I would tolerate the level of calls I do with us living here.

On the flip side my nieces all know me! Because of the same reasons. They beam and smile when we talk, and I’ve not met two of them.

My mum was always going to have a closer relationship to my siblings children and Ben if we stayed in the UK because they live in the same town and she babysits for them. I lived 3 hours away so that would never have happened. But there isn’t any jealousy around it, it’a just the way it is.

should read: closer relationship to my siblings children EVEN if we lived - not and Ben?! Don’t know why even auto changed haha

My DC were born overseas so never had an "everyone living in UK" relationship with either set of GP. My Dsis coincidentally lives where I live so they see her a fair bit. If we were in the UK we'd be in London, so not local to either set of parents or siblings.

When the DC were little I found trying to maintain the relationship with GP by phone/skype etc didn't really work. My dc had limited attention span and when they were little my parents didn't even have wifi (fixed line broadband to pc) so it was hard to be spontaneous and the time difference was awkward as only possible time coincided with the witching hour. Recently, the calls with GPs have got a lot easier - DS (11) chatted to my mum for half an hour last night- was showing her his guitar playing (lucky Granny!) etc. DD varies- sometimes she's really chatty, sometimes not. But anyway, way way better now than even 2 years ago.

I WhatsApp chat with my mum and sister pretty much every day and also have WhatsApp group with DH's family so we stay on top of what's happening and just share general news/ kids pics etc. My dc now WhatsApp with their cousins separately (and also play roblox/ Minecraft with them), which has developed spontaneously and nice to see.

However, critically, we were able to go home every summer / every other Christmas/ random work trips for me and DH, so there is a fair bit of "in person" contact. I think without that, we'd feel much less close to them. That may be the clincher for NZ vs Canada.

I think a lot depends on the relationships you have to start with. My experience is different to pps above who have had it negatively impact. I live 24 hours flying time from my one remaining parent and about 16 hours flying time from my sibling. I also lost my other parent suddenly and wasn’t able to get home in time. I have excellent relationships with my family and I feel they are just as strong if not better than before.

I haven’t seen my parent for a year and with covid who knows if/when we are able to see each other in person again. We Skype a couple of times a week.

I haven’t seen my sibling and family for 2.5 years and we speak quite intermittently but are still close.

Tech and social media makes a world of difference and although visits mean a lot, this last year has shown they’re not the be-all and end-all for me and my family. When we could travel, visits meant spending more time together then we normally would if we lived close by and that has pros and cons!

So everyone’s experience will be unique but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing to move abroad.

I’ve had a very different experience - we moved to west coast USA with a newborn and toddler and they are very close not just to my parents and my brother and their cousins but also to gang of my friends from home - my mum in particular is queen of keeping in touch and they have had regular
Skype calls with her since they were tiny.

The big thing that has helped has been visits though, we go home once a year for the whole summer, they ALWAYS get a good 2-3 weeks with my parents and will stay with my parents without me for up to 5 days, we do a U.K. based holiday with my in-laws and the cousins on that side and they come into London with me and see my friends (the friends who make an effort and ask to see them).

Likewise my parents visit us usually twice a year for 2-3 weeks, my brother has been out a few times and several friends have visited and stayed up to a week on multiple occasions and make huge efforts to have quality time with my DC.

I appreciate we’re very lucky to be able to afford this but I wouldn’t have moved otherwise. I am as close as I was when I left to a lot of friends and family at home, closer than I am to the vast majority of friends here and I’ve lived abroad for nearly a decade

I think it very much depends on your relationships with family beforehand. I have lived abroad for 10 years now. The first place I lived was 90 minutes by plane and we lived there for 4 years. Second place 4 -6 hours, but a days travelling.

My relationship with mum is good, she comes to visit, we have really nice times together and we Skype and message throughout the week. Absolutely the same with my in laws. In fact my mum's relationship with my inlaws has become closer. They often visit together for Christmas etc and she often stays with them for a mini break.

I've had 2 children in this time and they both have great relationship with grandparents. My 8 year old has always had nice conversations on skype and looks forward to chatting, he will often disappear into his room with the phone and show them his new sports medal or read to them etc. My 1 year old now likes to say hi and gets excited when she hears the Skype bleeps. Due to the pandemic she's only met grandparents when she was 4 weeks old.

My relationship with my brother hasn't survived at all though. No big fall out, but I haven't seen him or his wife since I left the UK. At first he kept promising to visit, first he was supposed to come the first summer we moved, then Easter, then May, then the following summer etc etc. It never happened. He has never met my children and I found out about his son's christening after the event through Facebook. It was a big extended family holiday with the christening included and I was even told, nevermind invited. At that time we were only living in the Channel Islands so could have easily gone back. After that I kind of gave up. It was always me making the first contact, sending birthday cards, gifts etc. After the christening I decided to wait for him to make the effort. Consequently we have no relationship now. I might get a facebook birthday greeting a few days late but not every year (our birthdays are 4 days apart, his is first). About once a year i might get a random "how are you" message. The cynic in me thinks he feels a bit guilty and still a bit "responsible" for me, he's older than I am and our Dad died when we were teenagers and he had always looked out for me. But it is what it is.

My relationship with friends is still good. You loose touch with people, but the people who really matter stay in your lives. My best friend and her husband visit every year in the summer, even after we've both had 2 kids each. My husband's friends visit too. And we also have a good relationship with my husband's brothers.

I love living here and wouldn't go back to the UK. Good luck with your future

Sorry that was wrong, it seems the brother "issue" affected me more than I would like to admit.

I think it also depends on how / why you leave. You need to be careful not to infer some kind of superiority over people you’re leaving behind if you want to maintain a good relationship. And be careful not to be too smug during the “everything in the UK is shit I can’t believe we didn’t do this earlier” phase that most expats go through because the novelty of a new place is exciting! I lived much of my life abroad and have many friends who move around a lot with work, the pattern matters. So beware sometimes telling everyone how amazing your shiny new life is can create tensions that can then create a divide with people you’ve left behind.

My parents are from two different countries, we moved a lot growing up so had next to no relationship with my grandparents - but tbh this didn't affect me, you can't miss what you didn't have! And I admit I didn't feel deep sorrow when they passed, whereas some of my friends are closer to their nans than their mums.

I'm close-ish to my cousin's, but on my mom's side, that's definitely because of her culture. If you're family then you are close! And we're a big family. They always make me feel included and loved.

But tbh my relationships with them will never be like the ones they have with eachother. That's what you sacrifice when you don't live near family. I had a great childhood though, wouldn't trade it for anything, and have friends I've known since I was a young teen that are like family

We have been living in the US about 10 years, since our kids were both babies (born in the UK) and despite talking on the phone with my mum a lot during the weeks and visiting in the summers every few years, what you realize is that neither part of the family REALLY understands the reality of the other part of the family's day to day. I don't know if this makes a lot of sense and it may just be very particular to my family and my ILs - but the divided families become more of a "concept" than a reality. So my MIL has the concept that she has 2 grand children (who she has met and spent time with) but she really has zero sense of who they are as people. IT is partly because she only talks about herself and then asks the standard questions like "how is school?" - it creates a fence, that you don't really get to move past.

Sorry to relight this thread, but I wanted to share my experience- I live 4h drive from my parents and they liked to visit (staying with us) about twice a year, and we stay with them twice a year. This quickly deteriorated as previous posters have said - each party knows so little about the others lives and my parents seem to think that I have forgotten my roots/living where I live is sooo much better. The rest from them that covid has created has been a bit of a blessing tbh. They have a really good relationship with my brother and fam too. Minding their kids each week and my mum does their cleaning/ironing. It does grate but it’s my choice that I moved away I guess.

So we are now thinking of moving to Oz - It’s actually crossed our minds that if we’re that far away then expectations of them as GPs to my kids and a parent to me are effectively dropped....perhaps meaning that I don’t get disappointed by them 😔
Good luck OP x

My experience is that you grow apart, your kids will move on and lose interest in their grandparents etc. grand parents will be upset if they had a good relationship before. It will be too expensive for people to visit you, and also very time consuming/annual leave consuming. I think if you want to go and feel it’s right for your family you should do it- but don’t expect to maintain relationships.

It is hard as the one who has left you have to make most of the effort . I moved to Australia Sydney stayed for 25 years and in that time came back every year or every couple as I worked for an airline so could get cheap flights . In the early years family came to visit but of course it's expensive and a long way . My mum came about 10 times and my sister even managed to come a couple of times .
We scheduled Skype calls each week so we always kept to that pattern which helped but I feel we missed out on a lot in the years we were away it is just impossible to get bsck for each wedding funeral etc and I always felt the distance .
We decided to come back in retirement
It's a hard part of the migration process and in my experience it never gets easier