Attending an online funeral from overseas - how best to arrange the day and make it seem real for the kids

[Zimniy]

I’m not sure if this is the best place to post this but I live overseas and you lot have been jolly nice to me in the past so this is where I shall ask for advice.

My Dad died very recently in the UK. Due to the current madness, neither I, DH or my kids have been able to visit him in his last few weeks and we won’t be able to go to his funeral. We will attend it on-line. I can’t get my head around this and have visions of us huddled around my iPad sitting on the couch, which just seems wrong. How can I make this a proper occasion for us? We were all very close to Dad, DH as well and we are devastated that we haven't been able to spend the time with him in his final year that we normally would have. I can hardly believe he’s gone tbh and need the funeral to help me process. I also think it would help the kids (13 and 17 yo) with their grieving process to attend the funeral.

I don’t know of anyone in my social circle here who has experienced this and I’d really appreciate some input and guidance from you wise ladies. Thank you.

I'm so sorry

I'd do your own little ceremony for your dad. All be together and take turns to talk about your favourite memory of him or read a poem he would have liked, then do something like plant a tree or light a candle.

I'm so very sorry for your loss

My Gran died of Covid in May and her funeral was streamed online. My kids are a lot younger (8, 4 & 2) so DH was prepared to take the 2 year old away once she'd had enough but we basically set up the iPad at the dining table so we had enough space to sit and watch, we had a picture the older two had drawn of them with my gran in a frame on the table and a candle to light at the end (and lots of tissues!).

The service was in a crematorium and the lady officiating did a great job, very sensitive and often mentioned by name us family members watching from abroad, which really helped us feel part of it.

Afterwards we played one of her favourite songs and looked at some photos together. Although it's quite a surreal experience, it was good to be part of it too and have some sense of the normal grieving process.

A very minor suggestion but have you looked at using screen mirroring or casting so you can get the image from your ipad onto your TV? Will make it bigger obviously and you can sit with more space. Depends how recent your TV is and what brand.

I agree with the suggestions of doing your own memorial for him as a family afterwards.

@Zarinea

I'm so sorry

I'd do your own little ceremony for your dad. All be together and take turns to talk about your favourite memory of him or read a poem he would have liked, then do something like plant a tree or light a candle.

The idea of planting a tree or similar at home is a lovely idea. Just because his body is not with you on the day does not mean that your commemoration is less valid than the "official" one.

Thanks everyone.

I'm so sorry OP.
This has happened to a family I know.
I would add that wearing formal funeral clothes might help it feel more real.
Watching on your TV if possible as mini pie says.
Maybe having some flowers for him?
Making the watching space clear and uncluttered. Think about seating to watch beforehand.
💐

I couldn't think of anything harder and my heart goes out to you.
When my own parents died l know my teens at the time loved to hear stories about their families and our childhood so maybe having time afterwards to chat about that. I did see on some online funerals where families from abroad got to do a reading or a prayer during the actual service which might help your DC especially as l guess if ye were home they would probably do something like that.
But l would definitely have some photos/ flowers/ candles set up during the service.

Sorry for your loss. We had my uncle's funeral not long ago, which we watched streamed from the church. It was very odd not being there and differently upsetting, especially not being able to give those attending a hug. Lighting a candle and messaging / chatting with other relatives afterwards helped, as did cuddles from my kids and having a good cry. We actually watched on my phone cuddled up under a blanket on the sofa and it was useful in a way being able to chat with the kids about what was happening. I hope it goes okay for you

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, especially in such difficult times.

A friend of mine attended a streamed funeral recently and said that getting 'dressed' in funeral clothes really made a huge difference to her - sort of made the transition from everyday life at home to something extraordinary. And then back again signalling 'the end' of the ceremonial stuff. I think it's something I probably wouldn't have thought to have done myself so thought it worth passing on.

Thank you for helping me sort out my thoughts and for your ideas. I think I will get some flowers and a framed picture set up on the table next to the iPad. We’ll wear formal clothes, attend by livestream, tell some stories amongst ourselves afterwards and then go for a long walk in the woods and across the hills he loved.

Thank you again.