Posted to the US for 3 years and desperately unhappy

[LondonMumGilmore]

Hello, my family (husband and two children, 6 and 9) and I have recently (October half term) moved from the south of England to East Coast America for a three year posting with my work. Without going into masses of detail, I am incredibly unhappy and regretting the move. In the UK I worked part time and shared the childcare with my husband (he worked shifts as a medic) and my in-laws. It worked well and I felt as though I had a good work/life balance.
Here in the states I am in a full time role (non negotiable as you get generous allowances including housing and school fees). My husband is unlikely to work here due to the differences in qualifications being quite different, so he will be volunteering around school timings.

On paper, things look ok; we have a great house, school fees are covered which we couldn’t afford in the UK, the children seem happy so far. However I am so so unhappy I am struggling to focus on anything and I’m worried about how low I’m feeling. I’m not enjoying my new role, which is very different from my role for the same company in the UK, I am a million times more homesick than I thought I would be. I’m worried that we made a bad decision in terms of moving our daughter, as she will miss the first year of secondary school in the UK and we might struggle to find a school place when we go home.

Basically, I am so overwhelmed with a new job that I do not enjoy, the stress of worrying that we shouldn’t have moved the children, and obviously covid isn’t helping as we can’t even plan to see family anytime soon. We are very close to both sides of the family and not seeing anyone for such a long time is pretty awful.

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for by coming on here, I just feel like I’m drowning in anxiety, grief and homesickness, and I thought someone out there might have felt the same way at some point. I think I focused too much on how exciting it would all be and didn’t think through the reality, and I am hugely regretting it.

Thank you for reading this far xxx

Oh OP I am sorry it feels rough. It’s a tough time to be moving apart from anything else.

Have you spoken to your husband about this? I think you have to really - can you sit down and tell him very honestly all your worries. I think the key first thing with overwhelm is to get it all out with someone.

From what you say it sounds you have gone from a PT to an FT role, in a different country, the culture, childcare, family working patterns, schooling are all different, plus Covid - you would probably be pretty unusual if you didn’t feel overwhelmed. Also I think it is pretty usual to dislike a new role in these circumstances, as getting used to it, and a whole new working culture is such a lot on top of all the personal stuff.

So basically I think how you feel isn’t just normal, it’s to be expected.

I think you can stop worrying c your kids, even if they have the odd rough moment this will be a great rich experience for them, and they’ll still be young when you get back to UK so educationally there are no worries.

It’s normal to find the first few months in a job tough. Are you being well supported? Is there a mentoring programme? If not I would consider getting an executive coach for a few months (have a google for people who specialise in your situation and do initial sessions with 3 to find the right one).

All the rest I would talk through with your husband. What could support you more as a family, what things would you like to do while you are in the US?

Aim to give it a year, if you still hate in then plan to come home, but I think there is every chance you will be enjoying it - at least well enough that the experience you are getting is worth staying for.

Good luck

Can you move back? Sounds like a nightmare tbh. If it’s only for 3 years then they’re going to have to be taken out of school anyway so better now if you’re feeling that bad?

Perhaps it’s not an option and if that’s the case then it will probably go pretty fast. My cousin had to move to a different country for her DH and she was dreading it. Hated every minute of it and she’s out the other end now and she says it did go fast.

I’m not really much help but I do feel sorry for you and I suppose I just wanted to say there’s no shame in returning home if you’re that unhappy.

Hi op. Just coming to support you as have done several expat postings over the years and it can be hard especially the first bit. Listen, it is very very early days for you. The first 6 months or so are a real adjustment as you get used to work, life, people, school. It is too early to jack it in and you'll regret that, especially if your dc are starting to settle at school. They are young and itll be a great experience, finding a year 8 place will be fine, dont think that far ahead.
Homesickness is a tough one, but I would advise hanging on in there and assessing how you feel at the 6 month point. Are there any expat groups? Hobbies? English mums? Anything like that to find you a like minded friend. Sending strength, at some point you will realise that you are settled and there are plus points to where you are.

Thank you all for your thoughts. I need to give it more time, and be open to both staying and leaving, I think. My husband knows how I feel, he just thinks I need to give it time.

Hi @LondonMumGilmore having been a deeply unhappy expat myself you have my sympathy. I would say to give it at least six months if not a year before making any decisions.
The second time you do things is easier and much less strange, so second Christmas, second birthday, second 4th of July etc.
An amazing piece of advice I was given was to go on holiday not back home as the return from holiday to your new setting helps you adapt quickly. It turned out to be very effective for me, although obviously a bit tough in Covid-19 times.
I would also list all the things you'd like to do while you're in the States, stuff you'd have to go on holiday to do if you lived in the UK so maybe visit the Grand Canyon, Martha's vineyard, Disneyland, whatever it is and commit to ticking things off your list while you are there.
Good luck.

I've also done some overseas posts and the three month mark is tough. The being on holiday feeling has gone, the novelty of having a newbie at work has worn off for your colleagues and you start to realise that life back home is continuing as normal without you. But you are still very much finding your feet and it can be overwhelming. I imagine it will have been extra difficult given the time of year and the travel restrictions on visitors.

I really would recommend giving it a bit longer. Is there a particular part of your new job that you are struggling with or could it be your overall feeling of homesickness making the job seem so bad?

Where are you on the East Coast? There are lots of Brits in the US and lots of Brit groups on Facebook depending on the area you’re in. Maybe you could try and find some people locally to meet up with (once Covid dies down) or just talk to- it helps to chat sometimes- we’ve all been through homesickness. We’ve been here 15 years (originally only planned for around a year!) and it took me a good couple of years to feel like I was coming home after being away somewhere. I like the previous suggestion about going someone locally for a break and then coming home. Also the suggestion about trying to plan some US experiences as a way of making the most of your stay out here. I’m in Massachusetts if that’s any help?

Waves from Eastern Canada 🍁

Have you met any expats over there? Makes a huge difference, I find.

I've lived in Canada for 10 years and it is a difficult adjustment.

I agree with the above advice.

I'm a Brit living on Long Island, if that's nearby?

We moved to the US early last year so I get how big a move it is for you.. but it seems the biggest change for you is going from part time to full time and losing some of that support which would be hard back home let alone in a new country.
Don't feel like you have to stay if you're really unhappy. It's okay to go home but I would probably give it a few more months. Winter on the east coast will be hard, summer will be much better. Plan a mini break if you can. Do you get out and explore much?
I've had many times of really wanting to go home but then we go somewhere new and beautiful for a day out and I remember why we're here. Or try a new family activity, like skiing or sledding that would be harder to do in the UK.
I think if you give yourself freedom to leave towards the end of this year if you still feel the same then you might feel less anxious about staying...

I’ve done a few expat postings although as the non working spouse rather than working.

It’s hard. Settling into a new life, new home, new job, new schools etc is hard. Really hard. And that’s in normal times. Not with all the COVID restrictions.

I think with any posting you have to give it a year. And I agree a trip away somewhere where you then come home to your current house is always a help. It seems to help with feeling your new home is familiar and like home. Possibly not the ideal time to be planning a trip but maybe you can at least get planning.

Do a bucket list of all the things you want to do/visit/experience while you are there and start slotting them into your plans. So you have things to look forward to.

It will get better. This is the hardest time. I always find Jan/Feb hard anyway. Although that’s probably just the greyness and weather here in the UK. Could that be affecting your mood too?

And for you you have presumably had your first Xmas away. That’s hard sometimes. Especially now when family can’t come to visit.

It will get better. By the time summer comes you will be half way through your first year. And summer will be here quicker than you think. Especially if you start planning some things to look forward to.

You poor thing. I can completely relate. We moved here from Australia with my company but with me in a different role. I have always worked full time and so from that perspective it is the same but the role is different and that has been challenging and we have no family support. Through in COVID and it is turning into a nightmare. However, my first advice would always be to stick it out for at least a year. I have lived overseas many times before and the first year is the hardest. While it feels like running home would be so nice, it would only be short-term relief and quite frankly things here in the UK are pretty bloody awful. I would wait until you get a summer in, try and explore the US as much as you can and also travel to Mexico and South America. All those experiences will be something you and your kids will remember for the rest of their life. If by end of this year you feel the same, then you know you have given it a real go and you can come home without regrets.

I’ve been here almost 5 years. It took about a year to fully settle and I had my American husband to help me who “knows the ropes”. COVID doesn’t help either. Have you joined any ex-pat Facebook groups?

You need to find the expat groups. We did a short stint in the US and I thought it would be easy to settle in (I’m even a dual national with a US parent), it was actually a massive culture shock. DH found the work culture really different too. Having other Brits/Europeans to complain to will help!

I feel for you, OP. Similar situation here in that we moved to US for my job, DH got made redundant thanks to COVID then I fell pregnant. We’re over the moon about the baby (due March) but are desperate to go home. Never thought I’d not see my mum or any friends while pregnant. I’m afraid I don’t have any useful advice but wanted to say hello and I get it.

I’ve been a trailing spouse so on the other side. The first posting was really hard. Dh wanted to pack it all in and return home (albeit he’s not originally from the U.K.) after a couple of months, 3 tops. We didn’t as I said the same as your dh and things got a lot better.

Your dh is talking sense when he is advising you to wait it out a bit longer. And I agree with others, you need to find expats. Are there any working for the company in your location? That would be a start. They don’t need to be British. We were the only expats on the first posting, which didn’t help either. The next time we weren’t and by this stage, I knew how to find friends, amuse myself and carve out a life for the two of us. Your dh needs to be doing the same to help you out. Try and hang in there.

Sounds hard op

Can you identify specifically what it is about your new job that you are finding difficult, or not enjoying? Why is it so different to the job you were doing before? Can you talk to your boss about this? Is there any small part that you could change to make it better for you?

Having been an expat twice the change is overwhelming alot of changes all at once. New job with longer hours, new home new schools and a new country it is alot of adjusting to take in.
How you are feeling is normal and it will take time months if not a full year to really settle in.
Take it easy on yourself. Being an expat at the beginning is isolating and strange.

Thank you everyone ❤️ I’m giving it time and hoping it improves. I’m not sure if work will improve but I might just have to accept that. Thank you for all of your support x

life is short. don't waste it in misery. martyrdom is not rewarded, it's just a mistake, a waste.
start looking for openings back home.
i know it's a difficult time.
presumably you would have to change employers. but you sound to be well-qualified, and have mush to offer.
be flexible, even in a different role, different type of employer.
find out, research the uk job market. good luck.

OP I am a trailing spouse in SE Asia, went with a 1 yo and a 2 yo, so my experience might be different. I hated/loved the first few months. Loved the new experiences, hated the new experiences. Then the new experiences were not new and I hated the experiences and missed my family. I was terribly homesick at 6 months. As a PP said don't rush home, take your first holiday somewhere else.
As for the job situation, I have no advice.
Try to stick with it for a while especially for your kids.
I wish you all the luck in the world.

I did it the other way . Moved from US to UK. Hated it , hated my living situation. Told myself I had to give it a minimum of a year . Did get used to it eventually , but still wasnt great and moved after 8 years
The great thing is that you are not obligated beyond 3 years . The kids will be OK and will have a great experience. Winter time on East Coast is hard at the best of times , never mind Covid. Spring and summer will be so much better and hopefully you will be able to take advantage of that. And by then , maybe your UK family can come over.

The work thing is hard though. I can imagine a totally different attitude and culture. But that can happen even in UK if you change companies. If you are seconded over there , do you still have UK support that you can reach out to.? Nothing wrong in admitting that you would appreciate some help.
Are your colleagues nice ? Do any of them have kids the same age that you can ask about activities , etc.? Your DH will also be able to get involved in neighbourhood things . Americans can be so open , friendly and helpful. Take advantage of that, even if you find it too full on , it is only for 3 years !

Ironically, I would love to be in the US now that Trump will be gone.

As others have said, the 3-month point is tough. In your case especially tough as you've gone to a full-time role and due to Covid it's extremely hard to get out and enjoy the good things in your new area and meet new friends. I'd say give it some more time and if you feel the same at the 1-year point maybe you could look into moving back sooner. If that's impossible, then at least it would only be another two years to go. In that time, once it's safe to do so, you could try to go do all the things you want to do over there and enjoy those, while maybe not enjoying work and the distance to family and friends as much.

We've just moved back to the UK with eldest DD starting in-year in Year 7. It depends on where you move to of course but in our area there were still some outstanding schools that due to different circumstances (based on area, new secondary opening in part of the old catchment etc.) had a space in her year. Of course my DD has settled on the one good but not outstanding school which does not have a space, so on a waiting list, but that's a different story!

Ironically, I felt much as you do when DH and I moved to the UK for the first time. We both come from different countries and had lived in Italy together, then moved to the British countryside in the middle of January. I didn't have any kids yet and after a two year gap in my CV in Italy had trouble finding a job. There were weeks in which I did not speak to anyone but my husband, the postman if a package showed up and people in the shops... I felt horribly lonely. January as you can imagine was dark, cold and dreary. DH and I both wondered if we'd made a mistake. I say it's ironic as we ended up hugely enjoying our three years in the UK. Work (his) took us away again but we moved back, this time with young children, and enjoyed another lovely 3+ years over here. After another 4 years abroad we've just moved back a third time and hope to stay, it feels like coming home.

My DH is from the US and while we lived on the East coast for a few years, one of my best friends I got to know there was from the UK. She really didn't enjoy living where we were at all and they ended up leaving a bit earlier than planned. Fast-forward a couple of years and after about 4 years in the UK they moved back to the US two years ago and now really love it and will stay. Sometimes it just takes time.

Very much good luck OP - it's not easy!