Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Living overseas

Whether you're considering emigrating or an expat abroad, you'll find likeminds on this forum.

Flip

Original poster

He doesn’t love me anymore... I need to leave... help please!

23 replies

Snowoctopus · 04/12/2020 10:23

My partner has just told me today that he doesn’t love me anymore, then tried to say that he actually meant that he does love me but isn’t in love with me anymore. I’m not entirely surprised, but I am still pretty shocked!
We have a child together and moved to New Zealand together just over a year ago. I need to get myself and my wee boy home to Scotland safely and legally.
Please give me all the advice. I know that I can’t just leave with my son as my partner could use The Hague Convention to bring our son back to NZ.
This is the absolute last thing that I want to happen, the relationship ending. I have been trying so so hard to make it work and to be completely honest I think that he made his mind up about us quite some time ago and is only telling me now.
I’m devastated. I left my family and friends and brought our son here for his sake, I made a huge mistake and need to get myself and my little boy safely home.

OP posts:

AmorFattyOwlOne · 04/12/2020 10:28

Oh bless you. This is going to be very hard but you can do it.
You're going to have to act quickly though because at the moment, your son it could be argued does not have a ''habitual domicile''. He's not attending nursery? he doesn't have a social circle!
At one, you are his world. What age is he? was he born in the UK?

I was ''lucky'' in that the judge did not apply the hague convention although My x did try to have me ordered back to his country so it was all ego on his part.

Sending you all the strength here......... This is so tough.

AmorFattyOwlOne · 04/12/2020 10:31

I am assuming your son is young but I thought at first he'd been born in the last year. But you already had him when you moved a year ago! Apologies for speed reading.
What age is he?

Original poster

Snowoctopus · 04/12/2020 11:08

Hi is 3 years old and has a British passport. He was born in Scotland. Thanks so much for your reply.

OP posts:

ILoveYoga · 04/12/2020 11:40

Is it possible your DP waited so long to tell you so as to establish habitual residence for your D.C. to force you to stay there with the D.C.

Are you able now to leave New Zealand even if it’s just for Xmas holiday, being that you’ve been stuck in NZ for a year? Would be allow you to go visit your family with the D.C. with DP permission (and at least break the habitual domicile time line). Wonder also if you could use covid as a means of having been stuck in NZ to defend against habitual domicile. You need to ask these questions, and more, to the right person.

Is your DP from NZ it have you both just moved there?

I believe there are groups that help women in your situation (or, relationship break don living abroad and Hague convention problems)

If you’re on Facebook, join two far expats page. Ladies there who can help point you in right direction

You also need local legal advice

raskolnikova · 04/12/2020 11:43

You can call the British Consulate for advice.

AmorFattyOwlOne · 04/12/2020 13:32

So your young son has still at this point lived most of his young life in the UK.

The most recent year will count but isn't it interesting that your partner NOW decides that he doesn't love you, after a year...

Please do act as fast as you can. Because in another year, your son will have lived the most recent half of his life in NZ

Your partner has just dumped you I think so would he object if you went back to Scotland for a month? Buying a return ticket. You can deal with things from home.

Original poster

Snowoctopus · 04/12/2020 18:26

Thank you all so much for your replies. I will seek legal advice as soon as possible.
My partner is a New Zealander but has British citizenship, so he could return to Scotland without any problem. So we met and lived together in Scotland, had our son there and then moved here to NZ a year ago.
My son’s visa and mine are linked to my partner so if he is ending our relationship I believe our visas become invalid. I’ll get legal advice ASAP. This is the last thing I want, to be faced with returning home without him but I cannot remain here. I have to go home with my son to be able to provide him with a stable, secure and happy life. I sincerely hope that my partner will be involved in his life without trying to gain custody.
This feels so, so hard!

OP posts:

AmorFattyOwlOne · 04/12/2020 22:35

It is hard. X
Has he said what he thinks will happen next?

Original poster

Snowoctopus · 05/12/2020 01:54

He has not. He told me that he doesn’t love me and then launched into telling me all the things that I can do to change his mind, etc, etc. Also, it’s all my fault according to him. It’s not but that’s what he always says.
I have had enough of being treated so badly and he has effectively ended our relationship.

OP posts:

WiseOwlWan · 05/12/2020 07:46

Oh wow! How awful for you. So he's told you if you improve in so many ways he wont end it. What a little arsehole. Angry on yr behalf.

WiseOwlWan · 05/12/2020 07:49

Glad you know that it's not worth trying to become is perfect woman.

First opportunity you get, talk to a solicitor and talk to british consulate.

Alys20 · 05/12/2020 10:40

Hi OP, contact GlobalArrk on Facebook. Registered charity dealing with Hague and child custody who will point you in the right direction and give support.

In the meantime stay calm and stay safe (not talking about covid).

june2007 · 05/12/2020 10:46

Well you just taking hiim to Scotland isn,t that abduction? (Think about if he did it?) Why wouldn,t he seek custody? I think you need to try and split in NZ first of all and try to get things worked out and then say you want to go back to Scotland and try to work together. Just taking your child and leaving is not fair on anyone.

midnightstar66 · 05/12/2020 10:53

I think I recognise you. Have you posted before about struggling to settle? It sounds like you haven't actually spoken to him, has he said he will block an attempt to move your son back to the Uk? You don't need legal advice if he agrees .

Original poster

Snowoctopus · 05/12/2020 12:07

Thank you so much

OP posts:

Original poster

Snowoctopus · 05/12/2020 12:10

I’m not planning to just leave with our child... that is the last thing I want to do.
However if we can’t work this out then returning home with our son will become my only option. That’s why I asked for advice here. I’m going to also seek legal advice of course.

OP posts:

Original poster

Snowoctopus · 07/12/2020 02:00

Yes I have posted before and yes I have spoken to him about struggling to settle... he is now saying that I have betrayed him by not sticking to our original plan of being here for a few years before making a decision about where to live longer term.
It’s all such a mess and he won’t talk about custody yet... I absolutely cannot risk being separated from
son.

OP posts:

Longdistance · 07/12/2020 02:31

If he doesn’t allow you to take your ds, you need to go to court.
I remember living in Oz with dh and dds and I was desperate in wanting to come back as didn’t settle. I was told as they lived there we’d have to stay. I’d thought they’d be happy to chuck us out, but no, I’d have to stay.
My dh was made redundant and our visas were no longer valid, so we had to come back.
Hope you get some answers from the consulate. I’d want to come back too. Sounds miserable for you.

sofato5miles · 07/12/2020 02:38

Be very careful as, as you have moved to NZ, you may not be allowed to leave with your son. You need legal advice quickly and honest conversations with your husband.

GlowingOrb · 07/12/2020 02:48

Even if he is amenable to you leaving with your son, I would seek legal counsel and get custody formally arranged.

Epponnee · 07/12/2020 02:59

Oh OP this is the worst possible outcome for any overseas couple and you really need to seek some legal advice as quickly as possible. As you have been in NZ for so long already it will probably be considered your dc’s habitual residence. You need to start thinking realistically about how you can stay in NZ as a single parent as it may be hard to leave with your son now unless you have his father’s written permission. I would start to feel out his position if possible (what does he want to happen) but you really need proper legal advice as soon as possible. Where about last in NZ are you? Auckland vs rural Otago will give you some different options on moving forward...

Original poster

Snowoctopus · 07/12/2020 09:28

@Epponnee thanks so much. I suspect that he waited until we had been here for a year to tell me that he doesn’t love me anymore because of habitual residence. We are living in rural Manawatu so it feels very isolated to me. I’m not sure that I’d be able to support myself and my son here in NZ as the cost of living is high.

OP posts:

midnightstar66 · 07/12/2020 11:26

To be honest, habitual residence isn't a set time in all cases - it differs depending on the situation. Like if a parent had kidnapped a child and it took a year to track them down they wouldn't necessarily be classed as habitually resident in the new place. As you moved there as a couple and it was both of your choice the habitual residence it's pretty much immediate. So if you moved back to the uk and your exH suddenly changed his mind a week after you arrived he wouldn't automatically be able to bring you back because you'd only been there a week, providing you had evidence that it was with his permission that you went in the first place . I do think a very frank discussion with him needs to be the first step. His stance on it will be relevant when seeking legal advice as the advice will differ depending what it is.

Flip