Moving (back) to the States

[ToThineOwnSelfBe]

So, I'm American, my husband is British and we have lived here in the UK for the last 10+ years. Our kids (8yrs and 4yrs) have only ever lived here. We are coming to end of the green card process for my husband and hoping to move to the States by October half-term (though COVID has thrown all the timelines in the air, really).

So as not to drip-feed, the primary impetus for us to move at this time is because my mom has incurable cancer and she's had several treatments that have only either been marginally successful or completely unsuccessful. We want to the kids to be able to spend time with her while she can still do things with them and to make memories with her they can hang on to when she's gone :( But I think it also warrants saying that my husband had already been looking at moving Stateside before my mom's diagnosis because the industry he's in has many more, varied opportunities in the US.

I know I should be excited to be going back, and I am on some levels, but... I've lived most of my adult life here in the UK. And although I'm looking forward to having my family and friends around me, the American job market, housing market, school system are all pretty terrifying to me (especially right now).

Any advice on moving, especially with kids, to/back to the States? Also, we haven't told the children yet because the green card timelines have been so unpredictable. DC1 is going into year 4 and DC2 is starting reception, any advice on how to tell kids we're moving to another country? They know my mom is "has a poorly" (as they say).

I just feel kind of stupid because we're moving to my country and it feels scarier than when I left that all behind to move here. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Which State are you moving to?

@SeaToSki

Which State are you moving to?

Haven't narrowed it down specifically yet, somewhere in the region where Maryland, Pennsylvania, Delaware and New Jersey meet. My family is in northern DE, so anywhere within about 45 minutes drive of there is fine.

That is a nice part of the country. Well I think that like for any move, you need to think about what kind of environment you want to live in, town city or country. What length of commute, where you want the kids to go to school. I would suggest that trying to move in the middle of a pandemic is likely to be very difficult. Any school are likely to be on distance learning, you will have to quarantine when you arrive, your belongings may get held up.
You will need healthcare insurance arranged before you arrive, and I would suggest you choose PcPs and pediatricians and have initial checkups scheduled for the week you arrive as you dont want to be caught out without an easy route to care.

You will need to set up bank accounts and credit cards. I am assuming you will rent to start with, how will you establish a credit record so that someone will rent to you?
All of this is solvable, but you need to execute the plan before you book tickets and just fly over.
But after all that, I think its a great idea and your mother is lucky to have a daughter so thoughtful

@SeaToSki

That is a nice part of the country. Well I think that like for any move, you need to think about what kind of environment you want to live in, town city or country. What length of commute, where you want the kids to go to school. I would suggest that trying to move in the middle of a pandemic is likely to be very difficult. Any school are likely to be on distance learning, you will have to quarantine when you arrive, your belongings may get held up. You will need healthcare insurance arranged before you arrive, and I would suggest you choose PcPs and pediatricians and have initial checkups scheduled for the week you arrive as you dont want to be caught out without an easy route to care. You will need to set up bank accounts and credit cards. I am assuming you will rent to start with, how will you establish a credit record so that someone will rent to you? All of this is solvable, but you need to execute the plan before you book tickets and just fly over. But after all that, I think its a great idea and your mother is lucky to have a daughter so thoughtful

I have definitely been aware that trying to move to a place that has one of the worst COVID rates in the world is no small undertaking. As is trying to get a job in this economy.

We're both currently applying for jobs. I've had a few interviews but either the roles were cut due to COVID, hiring freezes have stopped the process or I can't guarantee being there soon enough for the employer (or I just wasn't shortlisted). My husband is actually in a Zoom interview as we speak. The plan for insurance is to only apply for jobs that would provide it, or that pay enough that we could afford it out of pocket. I would never live in the US without insurance if I could help it. Finding a PCP/pediatrician will have to follow that as the plan will dictate which doctor I can use, if I understand correctly.

I still have American bank accounts and credit cards (which I regularly use and pay off) and pay my taxes (as all Americans have to, regardless of where they live), so I still have good credit there. Will have to consider how to establish that for my husband though. The current plan (inasmuch as one can plan in these times) is to stay with family till we have a few paychecks in the bank, then rent with the intention of living mostly on one salary and save the the rest for a year or two so we can buy. Hopefully in that year or two he could establish and improve his credit score, I suppose.

The issue of getting our belongings there is a complicated one, for sure. We've decided not to try to take our furniture with us (and obviously cannot take many of our electronics). We will sell it and put the money toward buying things stateside. At the moment we're debating between sending stuff on pallets by air/sea with a cargo company or putting our stuff in airline-approved sized boxes and paying for excess baggage with our flight. My best estimate at the moment is that it would be 12-15 boxes.

Thanks for your kind words. My mom has just been rushed to the hospital for an emergency procedure to put stents in her liver and pancreas as the cancer has blocked them both. This is exactly why we're moving. Being here when that is happening there is distressing. I considered trying to fly out tonight or tomorrow but with quarantining there and prevalence of COVID in the States that seems a bit pointless. I wouldn't even be safe for me to see her. So I'm trying to focus my energy on planning as best as I can.

I dont want to be negative, but it sounds like it might be a good idea to fly to see your Mum sooner. Assuming you are low risk for Covid and your Mum is terminal, the quarantine etc can be worked around. Hugging your Mum while you can is veryimportant.

We moved from the UK to the US earlier this year. We're both British so it's all new to us - I guess you'll be used to some of the things that are causing us some adjustment. Also, sorry your mum is so ill, that must be very tough for you all.

In terms of telling the children, as early as possible worked for us. We kind of did a drip feed, saying it might happen but we're not sure etc.. then slowly told them more about the job and the place over a few months, and I think that helped them come to terms with it rather than telling them when the decision had already been made.

In terms of Covid, I've found it very hard being in a country that has no strategy for dealing with it. No unity or national, even State-wide, commitment to doing whatever they can to tackle it. New York right now probably being the exception. I know the UK has been far from perfect, but they seem to have a better handle on it right now. But it does mean education over here is a massive concern. In our State there may be no full-time, in person schooling until there is a vaccine. Which I find bonkers. So depending on which State you end up in will determine the provision your children will receive, unless you can afford private. You may well be having to fork out for expensive childcare if you're both working full time (as, bizarrely, child care businesses can operate, just not schools!). Anyway, it's just worth bearing in mind that your children may well be doing school online to start with and will therefore have little opportunity to make friends.

Could you keep your options open at all? Come here for a year or so initially, spend time with your mum, and then decide if you want to be here long-term? (especially as things with Covid are so uncertain right now).

@SeaToSki, no, you're not being negative, you're being practical and I've strongly considered that but she keeps telling me not to "waste" my money as I'll be there soon anyway. Her surgery went very smoothly and she says she's already feeling better (she certainly looks better as she looked like one of the Simpsons from the blockage in her pancreas). But dropping everything and going out there is always on the table, regardless of what she says.

@globetrotter141 The COVID situation there is pretty alarming. And for as wishy washy as the British government has been about COVID, things here feel a lot more certain in terms of steps taken and measures planned, compared to the States. It is not an ideal time, for sure.

As my youngest is only pre-school age, I was going to have to pay for childcare for him anyway. Figuring out how to work around the oldest's schooling, whether that be entirely online or hybrid, will be challenging, but we have almost no support network here, so going there where I at least have friends and family can't be worse, surely?

We are definitely keeping our options open and have agreed this move will probably not be for the long-term. The current plan is 2-5 years, depending on my mom's health and the state of my dad if/when my mom passes away. We are also aware that sometimes people move places for "a while" and that ends up being a lot longer than expected. We had only planned to stay here in The North for a year or two - 3 house moves, 2 kids and 10+ years later, we are still here. Like everything these days, I suppose, we will just have to wait and see.

Thanks to you both for you replies. They are much appreciated and it is good to know others have made a move like this and survived

@ToThineOwnSelfBe
My own mum passed away from cancer a year ago so for your family. It's awful.

I'm probably projecting a little from my own experience living at the opposite end of the UK to my parents (so distances aren't comparable) but your posts triggered a couple of thoughts from me so I'm sorry if these questions are difficult/intrusive but I'm trying to be helpful.

Firstly and to be blunt. Do you know how much time your mum may have, and if not, is it worth speaking to her doctors? I don't want to be negative but would you perhaps be better off taking an extended trip out there to spend time with her now rather than spending your time on jobs/housing/logistics? Depending on how severe your mum's condition is, is there a possibility she may actually worsen before you can move, in which case is uprooting your family the solution, if the primary reason for the move is to be with your mum yet by the time you've got it all arranged, is there a chance she may not be there?

If you'd plan to move to the USA regardless then this is perhaps not such an issue, but with all the current logistical challenges and potential delays. if your primary reason for moving is to spend time with your mum as a family, you need to ensure that will be an achievable goal.

I spoke directly to my mum's consultant and he was able to give me helpful info on prognosis and timelines (no guarantees of course) and whilst it was emotionally hard to hear, this actually made planning practicalities much less stressful.

[quote WaltzingBetty]@ToThineOwnSelfBe
My own mum passed away from cancer a year ago so for your family. It's awful.

I'm probably projecting a little from my own experience living at the opposite end of the UK to my parents (so distances aren't comparable) but your posts triggered a couple of thoughts from me so I'm sorry if these questions are difficult/intrusive but I'm trying to be helpful.

Firstly and to be blunt. Do you know how much time your mum may have, and if not, is it worth speaking to her doctors? I don't want to be negative but would you perhaps be better off taking an extended trip out there to spend time with her now rather than spending your time on jobs/housing/logistics? Depending on how severe your mum's condition is, is there a possibility she may actually worsen before you can move, in which case is uprooting your family the solution, if the primary reason for the move is to be with your mum yet by the time you've got it all arranged, is there a chance she may not be there?

If you'd plan to move to the USA regardless then this is perhaps not such an issue, but with all the current logistical challenges and potential delays. if your primary reason for moving is to spend time with your mum as a family, you need to ensure that will be an achievable goal.

I spoke directly to my mum's consultant and he was able to give me helpful info on prognosis and timelines (no guarantees of course) and whilst it was emotionally hard to hear, this actually made planning practicalities much less stressful. [/quote]
I think this is a really good point. Can you just pick up the kids and go for an extended holiday? DH could follow when his green card clears. (I am assuming you already have US passports for the dc as otherwise they wont let them in at the moment). You will have to fly through one of the authorized clearance airports and then quarantine for two weeks before you can see any relatives let alone your Mum. DH could organize closing everything up back at gome and you would have oldest DC in a school district in the US in time for the remote education start of this year...so would be still getting some education.

Someone once told me that when your parents start to age dramatically (and definitely when they have a terminal diagnosis) the very best day you can have with them is always tomorrow. It sounds weird but its so true. Continual gradual decline means carpe diem is the most important thing.

Im glad your Mum is feeling better, I hope you can work out a plan.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. I'm an expat and have been for many years. Parents falling unwell is always so, so hard. Someone above suggested going to hug your mum, if at all possible, I'd go. I'd do it. Yes there will be huge challenges and quarantines involved but IMO, god forbid if things don't go well, you'll know in your heart you did what you could to be with her.

We've been out the UK for a long time but I'm looking with one eye about potentially coming 'home' due to the kids school age (GCSE) I'm not sold on boarding school.

Some of the things I've done is join repatriating expat forums and groups to give me an idea of what's going on from an 'outsiders' point of view. The knowledge on those can be so helpful! Simple things such as how to apply to schools, how to choose house location etc.

I can't give any advise on the US as it's years since we lived there but hopefully these suggestions could be a starting point.

Good luck and best of health to your mum.

Me again,

I've just jumped on Facebook and one of the best groups is called Two Fat Expats (it's a fun name by the ladies who started it). Anyway, they have a huge following and very active page, people all
over the world posting. I highly recommend taking a look and asking your relocation / repatriation questions on there x

May I ask how you’ve been able to get a green card (or soon will be) for your husband when you haven’t been a resident for 10 years?

Where did you move to @globetrotter141?

@ToThineOwnSelfBe
I’ve lived in the us for 12 years, 7 in Southern California and 5 in DC. It’s so so expensive in dc and really not a pleasant or friendly way of life. The working conditions will be a big shock to your husband and having 10-15 days a year off work instead of 25+ will likely tame his appetite for moving fairly quickly. As a Brit in the us it’s just so alien to be expected to work 50, 60+ hours a week and weekends and have hardly any leave. I would make sure your move is reversible. Maybe even an extended leave period to spend time with your mother instead of moving? Although you may struggle with health insurance if you or your Husband are not working.
I would give anything to be able to go home, but my daughter is 7 and just too far behind her British counterparts.
I would get in contact with schools now as your kids are likely to be very advanced for age if they’ve been educated in a good British school. It might be helpful to check they won’t be bored. Your 4 year old won’t be able to start school for years, as you know, unlike in the U.K.
That said, outside of DC the pace of life may be much nicer. My colleague is from DE and says it’s much nicer and everyone I know from the mid west wants to be back there because it’s a better pace of life.
I know this sounds negative, and I understand that you need to be here for your mom and family, but in all honesty it’s just not a patch on living in the U.K. because all everyone does is work here and it’s rubbish when you grew up with a different work life balance.

@@WaltzingBetty and @SeaToSki, so I've spoken to my dad about how serious my mom's prognosis is and he said her primary oncologist said that what she has is incurable but not terminal. I had to google the difference. Her cancer is "only" stage 3 currently. She (the oncologist) also said that this type of cancer can and does have multiple remissions and that she feels they still have a lot of options of the table, treatment-wise. My parents have form for being bad at communicating when they're not well. My dad suffered with migraines for 2 years and was treated for them for about 18 months before they told my brothers and I that anything was even wrong. I think they don't want to worry us, but I'd rather know than be blindsided. Her secondary oncologist has just recommended her for a clinical trial that has seen some success, so at the moment her oncology team seems more optimistic.

That's a great idea @spaghettihoops16, I hadn't considered something like that. I will definitely look into Two Fat Expats and seeing if there are any local expat groups in the area we'll be in.

@Toilenstripes, because I am still an American citizen and I can prove that I lived in the US for at least 5 years, therefore I am eligible to petition for my husband to apply for a green card. It's the same threshold for being able to apply for US citizenship for your foreign-born children. So both kids are dual British/American citizens and I have been here long enough that I applied for British citizenship earlier in the year (I am waiting for a time slot at a UKVI service centre to complete that, delayed by COVID, obvs).

@Ukoneday, thanks for sharing your experience. I have wondered if we will regret how much we will have to give up in moving there (NHS, education disparity, working culture), and that's why I felt it so important to have British citizenship before we go, because I want us to be able to come back without jumping through crazy hoops like I did coming here now and like my husband is doing now. We don't plan to move without jobs/insurance and I have already been in touch with schools in a couple of the areas we are looking at (who have been helpful but also non-committal because of COVID).

I think if we're able to live in Delaware the transition might be slightly smoother than if we end up somewhere like Philadelphia. The pace of life is definitely slower and there is still a sense of community (although not like the midwest, I lived in Minnesota for a year in my 20s and, man, are those people friendly!). But I take on board that my husband and I might hate it, and our kids might hate it and I am not above maintaining an exit strategy.

I don't think we could afford to stop working and take extended leave just to hang out with my mom. I'm not even sure we could afford for me to stop working and do that. We do have savings, but at the moment most of it is earmarked for the move because I am under no illusion that it will be cheap.

We've been in the USA for a decade and honestly I quite like it (am American citizen by birth and have lived here before so was able to sponsor DH) though this is in part due to religious/cultural issues.

We've lived near Philadelphia and now in Maryland not too far from DC. Some things like work life balance depend on job. I quit working due to kids with special needs but DH now gets quite good time off and decent hours. What can kill many people here is commuting. I did find that the Philadelphia area was a bit lower key than DC in terms of work culture.

With school, yes Americans start later, but now that we've been through the system (DC#1 in high school) I've come to think that the British are overly concerned with starting early. The UK is an outlier, many countries start at 6 like the USA. Some areas in the US have free pre-K (reception class). Although this year is an absolute disaster.

I would not take a job here that didn't offer health insurance though, unless I was contracting at quite a high rate. The insurance you can buy on your own is often not as good as what an employer will provide.

@Toilenstripes

May I ask how you’ve been able to get a green card (or soon will be) for your husband when you haven’t been a resident for 10 years?

Has it changed recently?

DH was born outside the US, had lived in the US for less than 5 years, but had an American passport and citizenship and thus was able to sponsor me for an IR1 visa, which became a green card once we arrived in the US.

That was 13 years ago...

I’m looking at doing the reverse - honestly per capita the U.K. is doing worse than the states re covid and Brexit is fucking terrifying. It feels like tossing up between frying pan and fire between the pair of them.

We though only have these two countries as our options and we’ve been here nearly 9years - I’m basing all my decisions on proximity to friends and family and not wanting to continue annihilating the planet with annual transatlantic flights.

Sorry not a super positive reply but know you have support from others going through similar and prepare yourself for reverse culture shock. But home is home and your mum is your mum, you’re doing the right thing

I am a Brit living in the US and we moved here pre kids for husband's career.I have to say that when my mum got sick 20 months ago I felt awful being so far away and knowing that she was probably in her final years.We started citizenship process within a week of her diagnosis with a view to maybe taking a year off work and spending that year in the UK spending time with my mum. In the end I rushed from the citizenship ceremony to get a fast US passport to jump on a plane and spend the last ten days of my mum's life with her as the cancer progressed fast and 13 months after diagnosis she was gone.

Oddly I feel calmer being in the US now as the thing that was pulling me back has gone sadly. I would say get yourselves over here and makes some memories with your mum and give her the happiness of your children being close by. I wish I had been able to. We are settled over here, salaries are MUCH higher so even though housing is still expensive for us in CA we save more money and look to a comfortable retirement. I find the schools very good despite all the naysayers about how inferior US education is. I like the lack of exams here and the fact that grades are based on hard work really. I work in a school and the curriculum is much more free- with more room to be creative and honestly I prefer it.

There are things I miss in the UK like pubs and having friends who have known me my whole life but I think the US is a good place to spend your working life and raise kids. My kids have never even heard another kid swear and they are horrified if we even say Sh++ so I actually find that the kids stay younger longer here and it is kind of wholesome somehow, no teens drinking in the playpark for sure.
I say go for it as our mums are so precious and when they are gone, they are gone and whilst I do not regret moving here I wish we had done more trips home in the last 5 years and just really been with my mum whilst she was alive. It is such a sad time when they pass away.

Health insurance is as you know important but the higher wages make up for that and the care is of course excellent. I would say sell off big items like furniture rather than ship it all over because it is so easy to furnish your home from estate sales and craigslist of you are near a city. The furniture we have acquired here is so much nicer than what we shipped over( company paid for that though) so I would say try and save on costs there unless you are attached to your UK furniture- all electrical stuff has to be left in the UK anyway so that is a big enough cost to replace. The cost of being far away from your mum as she faces treatment is much higher. I really see how important time with parents is now my mum is gone and I would not hesitate in your shoes if your husband is on board. If it does not work out you return to the UK at a time that you have less reason to be in the US.